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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada
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 Posted: Sun Feb 05, 2006 1:28 am Post subject: |
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A sidenote: (put here to appease russ  )
I haven't updated this in a while, so it may not be known that this is actually the first chapter after a prologue, which can be found here:
http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle0106060324041.html
Also, a correction in the prologue: I said Francis Perry was head of the Colonial Independence Front; I meant to say Christopher Martin.
Enjoy  |
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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| Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 7:57 am Post subject: |
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| You wrote: | | "We've got company," the driver yelled back, his voice strained with concentration. |
Strained with concentration? Hmm, never heard that one before. Try strained with apprehension or fear, or something that resembles more of an emotion. Personally, I can't picture my voice being strained with concentration.
The bio-foam. Ah yes, a very convenient element to have if you get injured (only in the fanfic world, though). At any rate, if the foam expands to fill the gap, it must take up some space to do so. If this man's wound is in his neck, the expanding foam would also inhibit his ability to breath. Just things to think about.
| You wrote: | | "Relax," she said condescendingly. |
Eh, condescendingly isn't the right word here; hard to visualize someone saying "relax" in a condescending voice. I would have opted for "dismissively."
| You wrote: | | As he did this, the two women took off their masks, and as he gazed curiously at the revealed face of the leader, his heart skipped a beat; for he looked at that moment upon the most beautiful face he had ever beheld. |
I was honestly disappointed at this. Far too Hollywood, in my opinion. Sure, people can be attractive, but to have some fine-looking (i.e. hot) woman be the leader of some rebel group is teetering into the Steven Seagal realm of mediocre action flicks.
Overall, outstanding job. It surprises me that I am the only reader to comment after this thing has been posted for several weeks. At any rate, this is top-notch writing, and the few mistakes I noticed were very minor. I'll get to your second chapter soon. Keep up the great work, Art.
-R |
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Fri Mar 17, 2006 1:44 am Post subject: |
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Thanks a lot for the comment, russ. However, since I doubt people will go back and read my last three installments, plus a new one, there seems little point in continuing. This is one for the dumpsters, I'm afraid.
| Quote: | I was honestly disappointed at this. Far too Hollywood, in my opinion. Sure, people can be attractive, but to have some fine-looking (i.e. hot) woman be the leader of some rebel group is teetering into the Steven Seagal realm of mediocre action flicks.
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I had to quote that. Absolutely true, of course; and wonderfully worded 
- Arthur |
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