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His Gods' Decree: Rise

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 5:23 pm    Post subject: His Gods' Decree: Rise Reply with quote

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His Gods' Decree: Rise
Posted by Dagorath (hoyinshan@gmail.com)
26 January 2006, 1:37 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Dagorath0126060137331.html
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 7:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is Rukt: Rise, by the way. I just changed the name because the story changed while I was writing it to something....drastically different.

Care to leave a comment?
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 3:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it a lot. Rukt was appropriately Brutish and pyromaniacal. However:

Dagorath wrote:
"I cannot believe why the Chieftain wants us to waste our time up here."


'I cannot fathom' would be better here. That was the only real problem I had with the story, and it's just nitpicking. I thought it was quite good, so keep writing.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 7:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah. I had a little trouble witht he Brute speech. THe only examples we really get are when Tartarus's Brutes drag the Arbiter to meet the Hierarchs, and the speech of Tartarus when he talks to the Arbiter. Those tend to be smarmy remarks and swear words, so not so good.

They're certainly rough, but their speech is quite cultured. They don't actually swear. I was intending for them to be all Shakespearean, but I've jsut left them a bit like Elites. All complicated words and stuff.

Thanks for the one grammatical mistake Very Happy
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 12:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Besides the mistake already pointed out, I have no further technical gripes. Nice proofreading.

I can't believe more attention hasn't been paid to this, man. This is really, really good. I must say I wasn't sure at first what to make of the beginning, but upon rereading it, it was a great introduction. It perhaps should have been fleshed out a bit more, but otherwise, it set up a majestic, alien world with clarity and style. I could really see the events as you described them.

The rest was simply compelling. First of all, let me say that this was one of the better realized worlds I have read, with a lot of thought seemingly put behind every small detail. Ancient Brute society came to vividly to life here. The addition of the "Drudges" was a brilliant little touch that clearly showed your creativity. I also liked the dynamic of this relationship with the Gods, which was dealt with in an appropraitely mystifying manner. It set up nicely what is looking to be an interesting story.

I really liked your style too. I thought maybe a few more details could be used, but since you were able to say so much in so short a time, I'm inclined to say it's great just the way it is. It makes it all the more powerful, not to mention tons more readable Smile.

Just awesome, Dagorath, really. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing where you take this. Keep it up.

- Arthur
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 2:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, Arthur, you have a new series, don't you? The one you were going to write after Black on Black.... I'll go read it as soon as I can. There's Dave's series as well.... And all those n00by ones I have to "constructively comment"....

Anyway, thanks for the praise. THere's a lot of material I've thrown in. The Drudges.... Hmmm. There can be a story about why they're not in the Covenant....or are they? And there's the Brown/Silver racism....
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