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the spartons and 55th company.

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 5:23 pm    Post subject: the spartons and 55th company. Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

the spartons and 55th company.
Posted by 12 year old prodigy (mark) (Mlayugan_guy@hotmail.com)
26 January 2006, 12:46 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=12_year_old_0126060046141.html
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 10:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You spelled Spartan wrong in your title.
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Spartan 0021
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2006 12:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, um are Elites 25 feet tall, or was that a special Elite? Aren't longswords single pilot fighters, or did you make one modified to be a dropship? Aren't Pelicans dropships? ***How could something 25 feet tall punch a person only in the cheek?*** How could a person knock four of these 25 foot Elites into a bunker? An explosion as big as a three story building would be better written as something such as: "There was a huge explosion, three stories high at least and as with an area large enough to destroy the bunker. Debris from both the bunker, dirt blown up from the ground, along with rocks, and meat-chunks and bones from the Elites rained all around. Corporal Lloyd fell, unconcious." And was this going on while the Chief and Cortana were on Halo? Those were basically exact quotes from the book. All together though, pretty good story. Spelling isn't perfect, like in a lot of stories, but the one other large problem I found was that some sentences were a bit hard to follow.
Good Job, fix the story and you could shape to be a writer.


Last edited by Spartan 0021 on Wed Feb 01, 2006 11:57 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 1:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This had...problems. For a start:

You wrote:
(Note I suggest playing halo and any war game (i.e. call of duty, medal of honor etc.)to understand this story completely)


As this is Halo.Bungie.Org Fan Fiction, I think most of us have played Halo, and many have played CoD or MoH. Correct me if I'm wrong.

You wrote:
his out post had one of 20 duper tic machines, a dupereptic machine could make a gun of anything, toss in a pebble, and you get an AK - 47.


I'm sorry, but that's the biggest load of bull I can imagine. No offense, but it's just plain simple crap. Quite apart from the problem of the incredible amount of power it would take to do such a thing, a soldier in 2552 or so would not know what an AK-47 was.

You wrote:
We were in the cold longsword drop ship, we had most of our missile systems disabled, but we had 6 mini Mac cannons.


MACs? On a Longsword? You're joking. Even if they were 'mini', six would still be impossible. The recoil from firing would knock the ship around uncontrollably.

You wrote:
What made the proton bombing so powerful is that, when it touches oxygen, the plasma turns invisible. Thus rendering anti airs useless.


You know that plasma isn't just a made-up substance, right? Plasma is real. It's what the sun is made of. Therefore, you can't create your own bizarre physics for it. Plasma does not turn invisible on contact with oxygen. It either saturates it with a negative electric charge or cools down. Furthermore, anti-air guns would be useless against plasma anyway; plasma is not solid, so it couldn't be shot down, and it would melt metal projectiles anyway.

You wrote:
So I went back to the machine, and duplicated me a Mac gun turret. I was able to fend off the first wave; I knew this baby could not take another beating.


'Duplicated'? How, exactly? 'Duplicated' means to make a copy of, so did he already have a MAC? He didn't, I assume, or he would have used it. Also, you cannot simply walk up to a MAC and pull a big trigger and expect it to fire. MACs require a complex AI or skilled gunner, a large space, and an ammo feeder the size of a bus. He had none of those things as far as I know.

You wrote:
So before the 2nd wave had even come into sight, he went out to look for remaining forces. 3hours later he managed to find 36 privates, 12 corporals, and 3 near dead sergeants. Seeing it was his responsibility to take charge he did. He duplicated 15 more cannons. This time, the next waves were using proton bombs.17 cannons were destroyed 25 soldiers were destroyed, the morale was low, but they had survived.


The main problem with this pseudo-paragraph is the numbers. As the sketch 'Stoned on Sesame Street' (which is hilarious, by the way) states, '3' is not a letter. It is a number. Numbers should not be used in stories. Say 'three'. Or 'second'. Or 'two trillion, four hundred and seventy-one billion, one hundred and twenty-four million, seventy-two thousand, one hundred and ninety-six.'

Another problem is that the second wave takes well over three hours to arrive by the look of it. A third problem: Why did he take charge? Is he the oldest, or the most experienced? Or is it because he was trained by a SPARTAN? Explain these things.

You wrote:
an explosion as big as a 3 story building... lloyd went unconscious.


How about you changed that to:

I just wrote:
There was a massive explosion that filled Lloyd's world with agonizing sound and pain. The flare from the explosion rose eight meters above the ground. However, Lloyd never thought this out, for the vast force of the bunker's destruction had torn his body to bloody ribbons which now lay on the flame-ridden wreckage.


...'cause that's what would really have happened with that kind of explosion.

You wrote:
"im making you a sergent." he said.


Very sorry, but random marines aren't allowed to just go promoting people. As I recall, field promotions can only be issued by a senior officer.

Finally, I have four points to make.

1. You had poor sentence structure. Work on it.

2. Your GPS (Grammar, Punctuation and Spelling) was virtually nonexistent. Work on that.

3. You did not use the Code. Paragraphing and such are a must if you want people to read your stuff.

4. You did not give us any sort of setting. By incorporating the SPARTANs and the Covenant, you showed us that we are somewhere between 2517 and 2552. But when, exactly? And where is the huge battle that the humans and the Covenant fight? Is it in Greenland? Weaselville, New Jersey? Casablanca colony? Or your left elbow?

Although you got a lot of stuff wrong, the plot itself wasn't too bad, but there are too many "o fr00dleknutzei teh Covnet is comnig an we msut kill damn Cuvie mofos!1111!!111!!" stories. The idea is old, so unless you have a new spin to be added, pick a more appealing topic.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 3:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, in response to the A-N (note) at the top.

Most of us are already gamers, or, counting me, ex-gamers. Easy, simple, and your audience here is pretty much uniform.

Next up, the code. Check the guidelines, and check the formatting of a novel to see how stories should be formatted. Here on HBO, block paragraphing is also acceptable, but one ought to know the code. There's a link to it on the guidelines.

Next up. Grammatical errors. Get rid of 'em. 'Nuff said. Grammatical and spelling errors make your story look low grade, puerile, and take away from your story's overall enjoyability factor.

Dupertic machine? I don't use shortforms, so I'll say that's an oh-em-gee dubble-yu-tee-eff (translation: omgwtf?) moment. 'Nuff said. Again, adding to the 'kiddy' factor. Know your audience. If I had been a lot younger, I'd say, "Coolio!" but, considering the average age of gamers stands around teenage to early adulthood years, your 'duperitic machine' wins a big nah-uh-nope.

As for action, forget it. It isn't required in stories, and too much action just drags your story down. The more action you have, by default the weaker your story gets, and you'll inevitably lose your audience.

Plot.

Stories revolve around plot. Not action. If I wanted action, I'd watch a movie. Movies are where the special effects and action are. Stories, or at least written or oral ones revolve around plotline, and sometimes even stylistic prose. Try to substitute that with action and inevitably you'll get something that'll not only exhaust your audience, but'll eventually chase them away.

Keep trying.

- Dave.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 7:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Azathoth has suddenly evolved into a Dave Luck/MCC dude. Or is he jsut passionate Very Happy?

Anyway, first off: don't call yourself a prodigy unless you really are one. It sort of raises expectations. I was hoping for a stunning story about, er, Halo, and I was a little disappointed.

Run your story through a few drafts, learn the Code, and think up a few ideas. Most of us are pretty tired of hardcore Marines and non-cannonity. Try something like "Apple Computers creates new Battlefield iPod to broadcast music to freak Covenant out".

Actually, no, that's just wrong.

Oh, and read other people's Fics. Read "Glass and Steel" by a Random 14-year-Old. It's my all-time favourite so far.
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 8:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hah. What can I say? I felt like being my annoying editor from hell persona.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 8:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, you nailed it down.

I'm not one for short reviews, or even really stupid ones, but I got a few things to say that might get me into trouble:

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT PIECE OF SHIT? I SWEAR TO GOD, THAT THING FLEW AT ME AT FIVE HUNDRED HOURS PER HOUR AND KILLED ME! THAT'S ONE REASON WHY PEOPLE NEED A LICENSE TO DO ANTHING WITH TEXT!

There, I'm done. Sorry.... Sad

Further edit from Dave: Hey Gall, easy. Take it easy. If you're going to post something, try and find at least one constructive thing to say, or give a piece of advice. Flaming like this just reflects badly on both the site and yourself.
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 10:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--One thing you need to try not to do is submit chapters within chapters. What I mean is, you should have made that whole story chapter 1.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 12:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hm, is the Prodigy reading these comments? I was expecting some sort of screaming fit, or a row, or, I dunno, crying for Mommy...?

Oh a more serious note, dude, you really ought to reply to these. Learn something. At least concede defeat Very Happy. There's no such thing as a cr*p story in the word (contrary to the Rabid One). just (very) badly witten.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 1:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gall, not cool at all. What are you? 10? Rolling Eyes

Author, I suggest you take a pen and paper and take some notes. This needed a lot of work. I suggest paying attention in English from now on. I mean, you even spelled the title wrong...

You can probably tell by now that we take writing seriously. If not, you better figure it out soon and fix up your style before posting agian. (Actually, do that anyways).

Sorry, man.
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virroken
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 5:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Azathoth wrote:

It is a number. Numbers should not be used in stories. Say 'three'. Or 'second'. Or 'two trillion, four hundred and seventy-one billion, one hundred and twenty-four million, seventy-two thousand, one hundred and ninety-six.'


Actually, thats not entirely correct. In cases of larger numbers, use numbers.

Saying 'two trillion, four hundred and seventy-one billion, one hundred and twenty-four million, seventy-two thousand, one hundred and ninety-six' is pretty cumbersome and will leave most readers lost/confused. Plus, it takes up SEVERAL lines of text. That = not pretty

A simple number format of it conveys the idea perfectly without slapping in huge amounts of stuff a smart person would skip over anyway.

Quote:
2,471,124,072,196


While 2,471,124,072,196 isnt exactly ideal either, it conveys the idea of "ridiculously huge number" just as well as three lines of text.

Another way to get around 'giant number of doom' problems is to express it in scientific notation. Granted, this method works only for certain things --distances, energy, pressure, etc. Scientific values.

It would work like:
example wrote:
2.47x10^12 Joules of pure, writhing energy slammed into the already weakened Titanium-A hull, melting the allegedly indestructible metal within moments.


It WOULDNT work like:
example wrote:
2.47x10^12 Elites ran around dazedly, like chickens with their heads cut off.



But yes, smaller numbers stay written fully out.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 10:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you're saying something technical, like 4000 Horsepower, i would also suggest numbers. Not only large numbers but when using technicalities it's better to use numerals. [/quote]
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 7:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This hurt my eyes.

I don't even know where to start with this one.

(I hope this was a joke submission cause it put in EVERY n00b cliche in existance)
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