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Spectre: The Hydorian Conflicts: Prologue

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 5:22 pm    Post subject: Spectre: The Hydorian Conflicts: Prologue Reply with quote

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Spectre: The Hydorian Conflicts: Prologue
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
23 January 2006, 6:25 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga0123061825261.html
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 5:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dammit! I forgot the snazzy ending!
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 6:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting, can we expect a revival of ENS and the Spectre series? (I coulda sworn I was in that originally...)
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 7:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You were, Wolf, it's just I forgot to ask you half way through and I didn't add you because of that.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 10:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha, thats cool, good work with this chapter by the way, interesting start.
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2006 8:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

United Earth Space Corps. If you listen closely to the wording that Admiral Hood uses as he pins the metal to Sergeant Johnson's chest, you will hear him mention that group above. I can only assume that that is the actual name for the whole of the 2552 Marine Corps. Not UNSCMC. I like that, it's original, and I'm not gonna argue about you continuing to use it, but I still though I would point that out.

(Similarly for the UNSCN, thing, I had always though of the UNSC as the space Navy. Perhaps a misconception on my part, however.)


You had a good detail base. Though, in several places, the telling outweighed the showing factor. While in some cases that might be considered stylistic, in this case it just went along with telling instead of showing.

Sometimes, certain diction relates details in a fashion that is rather staccato and leaning towards the telling side of description. But straight up telling doesn't fall into that category.

It wasn't really bad in your case, but do try to smooth things out when you describe them. Your second paragraph is a prime example. Check it out and see if you understand what I'm saying.


Repedetiveness was also a small issue. Both it and the telling just took away from flow a bit. In this case, when you're writing and then proofing, just keep your eyes out for repeated words or phrases that don't work in such close proximity to the other uses. And especially since you started out with three characters who had no name... that's a situation in which it is very hard to not get repetive.

There is no sure-fire means to eliminate that kind of stuff from writing. You have to work it out on your own. That takes time, practice, experience, and a heavy dose of patience. Don't expect such "problems" to disappear bewtween two chapters. It could very well take a whole series to get to a point where you write smoothly by instinct. I mean, look at the authors we have here. Most of the good ones didn't start off that way -- they worked themselves up through many months and many reviews, a little at a time.

The more you work to improve, the more you will.


The plot seems interesting enough. Not as complex as I would like Wink But that's just fine right now. Don't overcomplicate things. You already added in a twist.


Overall, this wasn't bad. The writing was pretty good; just need to work on what I mentioned above. Keep it up; and, of course and as always, good luck.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can I get a few more reviews in here?

MCC: Thanks for the comment on originality. I figured it was somewhat wrong to just call both the Marines and Navy UNSC Forces, and took a approach on how our military system calls the Marines, or the Navy, etc. etc. Another example: Would a corps of Engineers who fix ships but are on a private contract from the Navy or Marines be called UNSC?

This was the problem I talked about. I have a bad habit like writing short and full of crap parts but other times I have this ability to make a scene terrific.

I know, that paragraph caused me trouble for my mind.

All in all, thanks MCC. I'll try to use your information to help me.
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