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Black and White

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 3:41 pm    Post subject: Black and White Reply with quote

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Black and White
Posted by Mainevent
20 January 2006, 4:09 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Mainevent0120060409281.html
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 9:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh... Wow, Main. Wow. This...

Have you ever considered getting published? I think you should. This was incredible.

The only thing that I would change is that part in the last line - 'pirates and space rats'. It sounds a bit cliche, and it makes the end have a sort of corny comic book feeling. Take that line out and switch around the last paragraph a bit and this would be the best emotional fan fic I've read in four months. Wow.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 11:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yea, that bit was sort of my ettempt to at least semi-relate it to halo. Personally I would have left it out altogether, but in the end I compromised and put it in for the sake of the thing.
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HELSING
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Better than good, awesome. I hope it continues.

The opening hospital scene had one glitch, something about needles in his arm to get liquids into him. The word get was a little out of place, it just seemed rough. Other than that, and the afore mentioned end. Excellent.
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Radont
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 8:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Your descriptions alone are wroth reading this chapter a couple times. Excellent work. The only thing I noticed that could be considered negative was your lack of commas.

I think that this:


Quote:

He nodded absently while staring into space and time and a million other places inside himself.


would have sounded better as:

"He nodded absently while staring into space, time, and a million other places inside himself."

Other than that though it was great. Those descriptions, I can't believe how perfect they were. Made it easy to picture everything in my minds eye.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 9:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let's copy the rest of the commenters. Wow. Wow. Wow.

I really liked the flashbacks and the telephoner was seriously sinister. Oooh. Ah. I liked how the title of the series tied in too.

What happened to your series about that Patterson dude? I mean, Terminals II?
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 9:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice as usual, Main. Perfect first chapter. You set up mystery, grief, eventual revenge from a loving father, a shady past . . . need I go on? I especially liked the father daughter banter--contrasting the soft, pink descriptions of an innocent little girl with the brutal question she is posing to her father. Niiice.

Have you read Without Remorse by Tom Clancy? There were a few similarities: big tough guy loses somebody close because of an attack from bad people after recently losing wife, and wakes up in the hospital after the attack to find himself being attended to by a beautiful nurse. Aside from the nurse (you dog you!) it is a tried and true blueprint for setting up a revenge motif (I am assuming that revenge will play a big role in this series--correct me if I'm wrong, or leave me wondering, or be cryptic, or whatever) and was used long before Clancy wrote his novel. And as far as revenge set ups go, you hit the ball out of the park. I mean, killing a little girl on her birthday at the very time that her dad (our hero?) feels angst about her view of him . . . ouch.

Aside from a few small errors in spelling and punctuation, I have zero complaints. Top-drawer stuff, Main. Can't wait for the next chapter.

C.T. Clown
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 1:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh...another Fic from Main, another eye-popping read.

As usual, your descriptions were spot-on. You went down to the tiniest little detail but still kept the story running along smooth, something that I have tried many times and usually failed.

The plot itself was well thought-out and executed even better. It felt like a mix of Minority Report and The Bourne Identity, but mostly the latter. That guy on the cell phone was so sinister I could actually hear his voice, darkly mocking at something to come but not quite letting it slip until the big boom.

As is usual, there were a couple GPS errors. But alas, I feel like being a grammar whore right now, so I'm going to correct one.
The story wrote:
...carefully replacing the needles which had been jerked out during the tirade. He offered no resistance...

This was the biggest thing that I noticed (besides that one sentence that you forgot to capitalize). A tirade is an angry speech. I don't think that it was an angry speech that sent the needles shooting out of his arm.

Anyway, excellent story. Awaiting the next.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 5:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for your comments guys, they really mean a lot.

To Chuckles, I actually have read Without Remorse. Good book. I've always wanted to do a revenge story of my own, and the other day I just sort of imagined this little girl looking up at her dad and asking him why he did what he did.

The story itself evolved after that.

And the phone guy...oh, he's not a very nice guiy at all.

To Kang, oops. Shoulda checked that before putting it in there. My bad yo.

To Dagorath, since this little idea hit me I just had to write it when it came. You know how it is. Let it sit and it stales.

To everyone else, thank you for your comments and support. I'll make sure to work hard on the next one and try and keep it as error-free as possible.
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OpeningAct
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 22, 2006 8:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Incredible. Totally awesome. That's got to be the best fan fic i've read in ages.

Yeah that also sort of reminded me of the Bourne Identity, especially when the guy said, ""No I don't, Mr. Black. The stunned look on your face tells me that."

Description was great, I could see that birthday party clearly in my mind. For the most part, flow was great too. Well actually I might as well say everything was great.

Totally awesome job, can't wait for the next part. Very Happy
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 7:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The first little stint of paragraphs had a distinctive feel to them. I could say that they didn't flow the best, but the style there did well in their place. Considering that it was, after all, a recolection, the slightly... un-smooth list of descriptives fit. If I'm recalling something, it may well come back to me slowly, a little at a time, even something that I remember vividly will come back little by little (like the loading in Halo 2 -- progressive).

Gave it an interesting feel. Didn't strike me as glorious ( Smile ), but it was still good in effect.


Twenty meters... Something special about this fellow, Main? Over sixty feet, tossed, and landed. That's a long way to fly and a hard hit at the end. Struck me as a bit off, a bit incredible given that I was under the presumption this character was a "normal" man.

Of course, that got me thinking. Coupled with his "reaction" on the bed in the hospital, I am naturally inclined to assume he not normal at all. I could speculate, but I won't. Not now, anyway.


Overall, this was very good. A very nice read. Made me interested in the story as it progressed. Was rather brief (at least to read), but that's not a wholey bad thing.

I'll be waiting for the next.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 7:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If anyone was going to catch his "normality", I suspected it would be you. I actually told Dave that. The next section should give you a bit more insight into his past; hopefully that answers your question for now.

And for everyone else-- this takes place pre Covenant war period.
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 9:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I... Want... MORE!!!

Love it.

I did see one thing that maybe I just read wrong.

Quote:
Heavy sobs bellowed deep from within his chest before slowly fading into weak whimpers as he ran out of tears, and the ones he'd already shed dried up;


I am not sure how you meant to word that but I just don't think that it flowed all too well.

I think maybe it just didn't get fully edited or something. Really didn't bother the story though.

Keep it up man.

Caleb
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