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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University
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 Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 2:02 am Post subject: |
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Very nice. You're shaping up to be quite the writer.
You had the perfect amount of detail in there, at least by my standards. Nothing was bogged down by over-description, and, in turn, nothing whooshed by too fast to get a grasp on the situation.
The location of the Ark described in the story is an unknown to me, but I suppose it's supposed to be like that in order to give it an air of adventure and mystery.
However, there were a few problems.
| You wrote: | | With a flick, the Arbiter ignited his energy sword. He slashed downwards just as the infection form jumped towards his face. It dissected the creature neatly. The pod fell in two halves onto the floor. |
A better word for that particular situation would probably be 'bissected,' since the infection form is being cleaved in two.
Another thing that I noticed was how you always called the Elites 'Spec Ops Elites.' Remember that technically, Spec Ops is an abbreviation, and most people around here frown upon those. Also, it got repetitive. You could have simply referred to them as 'Elites,' or '...the other Elites.'
And Grunt Forerunners? The idea is fine (It's unorthodox, but I suppose that's what you were going for), but I think that your characters may be jumping to conclusions. Just because there are holograms of strangely devolved Grunts lining a Forerunner hallway, it doesn't necessarily mean that the lil' guys themselves are Forerunner. Perhaps you should have waited and saved that for a later, more dramatic revelation, or maybe you were just trying to get it out of the way to make way for new things.
Rampant speculation? Thank you, I'll take one.
Mayhaps the Flood, in the context of your story, were created by the Forerunner as a means of security. If the holes that divulged them from behind the holograms were made by the Forerunner and meant to be there, than they could have been the security system. It would certainly make me think twice about walking across a corridor in order to wipe out the galaxy. The only question that remains is why the Flood would be assigned to protect the very thing that was designed to kill them off?
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter. |
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5
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| Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 3:07 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks Nick. Actually, I was going to do this as a whole series (5 rooms in all) and it's where NOAH originally came from (mentioned in A Fireside Story). Though the Grunts being the Forerunners was just random. I'm working on Rukt: Rise now. |
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virroken
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Joined: 13 Dec 2005
Posts: 11
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| Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2006 8:04 pm Post subject: |
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This was really, really pretty, with the Amazon sunset and all (good detail, by the way). But then
| Quote: | | "The Forerunners," said Keyes faintly. "The Grunts were the Forerunners." |
Gasp and double gasp. That threw me off for pretty much the rest of the piece, making me focus more on "Grunts? Grunts? What?" than your decidedly heartwrenchingly spookyish flood assault. I'm guessing thats what you wanted, so good job on that.
| Quote: | | They gaped in silence at the busts, their minds whirling at the revelation. Arguments and counter-arguments battled in the arena of their minds. |
I so could not agree more.  
The elites were oddly queit about the discovery, though I can see why you'd have them stay queit: They weren't maincharcter class Heroes who deserve to have lines. But despite that, I think they WOULD have said something. Its kind of like learning that "Oh gasp. My little sister, who I have been cruel and evil to for about x years of my life now, is actually *major religious figure* incarnate" Some protest is expected, even if its only, say : "A wave of dissenting voices rang out, only to be stifled soon after by the gravity of the discovery."
Another thing I noticed was your details. Yes, they were there. Yes, they were good, and gave a vivid, distinct impression/scene. But the problem was in the way they were presented. You used the conjugated form of "to be" (was, is, were etc) over and over. While this isn't exactly BAD, repetitive use of it makes the descriptions seem adolescent. For example
| Quote: | | The stonework was yellowed and cracked |
| Quote: | | He was a full head and a half taller than either human and had four mandibles instead of a mouth. He was dressed in ornate silver armour that looked ancient. |
Using was-were-was makes it obvious that youre trying to give detail, which will make a more skimmy reader just skip over that paticular chunk of text to get onto the juicy plot/action. Using it for ONE description every now and then won't hurt, but in cases where it can be avoided, avoid it.
An easy way to avoid was-were-is is appositives.
| Quote: | | The stonework, yellowed and cracked, verb |
Or, you can get creative and work around it.
| Quote: | | The alien strode over, a full head and half taller than either human, ornate silver armour shining brightly despite its obvious age. He spoke, somehow forcing articulate sounds from his mouth of four mandibles. |
Just a tip.
I loved your ending. Holographic statues that MOVE to look at dying intruders. Spooky.
-Virroken |
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5
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| Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 1:38 am Post subject: |
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Oooh. Ah. I love it when people analyse my stories and praise them.
But good points there. I'll try and improve my descriptions in Rukt: Rise. |
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
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| Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 2:03 am Post subject: |
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| Rukt? As in Fist of? I'm anxious to see where you take this. |
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5
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| Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 6:23 am Post subject: |
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Yeah! I am too! I've finished the first chapter (Rise) and it's gone completely differently to what I first envisioned. he's switched from a savage to a - well, just wait till Friday. You can wait that long, can't you ?  |
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
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| Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 7:19 pm Post subject: |
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Fashionably simple, I am:
VERY GOOD. |
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