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Phantoms: Chapter 1-Just Acquaintances

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 3:40 pm    Post subject: Phantoms: Chapter 1-Just Acquaintances Reply with quote

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Phantoms: Chapter 1-Just Acquaintances
Posted by (Na)Marl (marl_the_giant@yahoo.com)
16 January 2006, 6:47 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=NaMarl0116061847171.html
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 8:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good job, Marl. There were a half-dozen or so GPS errors, and you could have used more detail in some places, but this was fairly good. One thing that stuck out at me, though, was that part where you were talking about the ONI and what they knew, and about what the Covenant's usual tactics are. You could have taken that and made it into a nice little conversation between an ONI spook and his CO, or somesuch. Instead, it turned into a kind of documentary piece in the middle.

Anyways, you did do a pretty good job. I think that you portrayed your Covenant characters very well, but you could have done a whole lot more with them - added more emotion and such.

Oh, and two things for the record:
1. I don't think anyone as naive as Michael could have gotten through Boot, and
2. I don't like pound cake. Razz
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 9:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--Hehe, thanks. For the Elite scene, I wanted to add emotion to make them seem familiar, but not too much emotion so they seem human. I have a plan for Michael's naive attitude, but I won't ruin it for you. And frankly, I don't like pound cake either, but hey, it's fiction. Just trying to set the personality for Michael so the personality change becomes more apparent later. Thanks for the feedback, man! Very Happy
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 4:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The blood was that of his team mate, Eric.

--I JUST caught that. I called him a team mate, and it makes it seem like a game.
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Pooman
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 5:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This story was pretty good. It was lacking something, I just can't place my finger on it... This was intresting enough to make me want to read the next chapters. Anyways, this is an exciting new series and I'm looking forward to the next chapters. If I can think up what I felt was missing I'll let you know. The Elites seemed more on the human side when they spoke. It certantly isn't easy having your Covenant sound, well, Coveish. Good luck and keep up the good work! Very Happy 9.4/10
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 5:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--I don't know when I'll get the next chapter in. It took me a month to write this, and that's not because I was working on it! Razz But the Charlotte's Web play is almost over, and our Shakespear play doesn't start for a while, so I'll be able to get some crap done between now and then (hopefully Rolling Eyes ). Thanks Pooman!
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 22, 2006 8:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good stuff here. Though I thought that your sentencing part was a little...off. Fifteen years for a DUI and underage drinking? I could understand if it had been vehicular homicide while intoxicated or something, but not just a DUI. Those are just tickets. But I guess a lot has changed in the future...

Otherwise good.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 22, 2006 8:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes. We will be taken over by Neo-Conservative terrorists in 2082 and they will make everything that gives pleasure illegal. Oh nozorz! Surprised Very Happy
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 4:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi (Na)Marl! Never actually read any of your fiction yet. This was quite good, there were GPS errors, blah blah blah. I just suggest you remember to put the apostrophes before the Elite names ie 'Zarforee, not Zarforee.

I like pound cake Very Happy
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 4:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoa, missed this one. Can I blame the baby? I'll post a review soon.

C.T. Clown
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 1:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--Yes, I can blame the baby.

Quote:
Hi (Na)Marl! Never actually read any of your fiction yet.


--That's okay. This is the first fic I've submitted under this name. Look up Gold Elite some time, but hey, I warn you that all those suck even more. Razz
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 5:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good marl. I did notice that you used the word "Todd" a little too much in the beginning paragaphs.

Just watch the repeition (and whatever else other people said). Very Happy
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 7:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice job, Marl. Your scene-cutting was (for the most part) effective and gave me the feeling that you had a well ordered plot and knew where you were going. I could really feel the hopelessness as the Covenant army approached.

You wrote:
Quote:
"By the way, my name's Michael," the soldier said. He hoped to make friends with Todd so that the nightmare would stay out of his mind a bit longer.

Todd gave a dismissal answer by saying, "Really?" as dull as he could.

Michael didn't like how rude Todd was being, so he said with a louder voice, "Yeah, now you tell me yours." Todd sat straight back up and look at Michael. What nerve! Who does he thing he is?! "That's generally how introductions go, ya know."

The part in bold is something that should not have been told to the reader, but rather shown with action and description. Certainly you can have Michael act in such a way that the reader understands that he is upset at being brushed off by Todd. When you show this your story reads much better, because you are losing klunky exposition and adding vibrant details.

Again, nice job. I'm glad to see you writing again. This is an excellent start to your series. I'll be looking for the next chapter.

C.T. Clown
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