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A Golden Opportunity

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 05, 2004 2:35 pm    Post subject: A Golden Opportunity Reply with quote

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A Golden Opportunity
Posted by Forerunner's Advocate (sttrooper87100@yahoo.com)
1 October 2004, 7:36 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=forerunners_.1001041936191.html
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Pajari
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Joined: 28 Sep 2004
Posts: 100
Location: Luna

PostPosted: Tue Oct 05, 2004 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Certainly a solid piece of writing, but it could have been longer and included the actual mission. What was there, however, was good.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 05, 2004 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree that what was there was good. But, there were some things that could have been improved.
Watch your capitilization. Make sure you cap proper nouns like ranks.
Detail. You were kinda lacking of it. We want you to show us exactly what is going on; the setting, the characters, the action or non-action, we want to be able to picture it in our minds. You may be able to picture it perfectly, but we do not have a connection to your mind.
Also, work on your dialogue a little more. It's okay, but it seems a bit mechanical, like they were reading off a script; something was off. Fix that and smooth it out a bit and you'll be golden.
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
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Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Wed Oct 06, 2004 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Better. What MCC said. He always gets here first.
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