HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

A Golden Opportunity
Posted by Forerunner's Advocate (sttrooper87100@yahoo.com)
1 October 2004, 7:36 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=forerunners_.1001041936191.html

Pajari · Member Joined: 28 Sep 2004 Posts: 100 Location: Luna

Certainly a solid piece of writing, but it could have been longer and included the actual mission. What was there, however, was good.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

I agree that what was there was good. But, there were some things that could have been improved.
Watch your capitilization. Make sure you cap proper nouns like ranks.
Detail. You were kinda lacking of it. We want you to show us exactly what is going on; the setting, the characters, the action or non-action, we want to be able to picture it in our minds. You may be able to picture it perfectly, but we do not have a connection to your mind.
Also, work on your dialogue a little more. It's okay, but it seems a bit mechanical, like they were reading off a script; something was off. Fix that and smooth it out a bit and you'll be golden.
_________________
-MCC

thedarkfire · Posted: Wed Oct 06, 2004 1:27 am Post subject:

Better. What MCC said. He always gets here first.