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Commander: Massacre

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 4:15 pm    Post subject: Commander: Massacre Reply with quote

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Commander: Massacre
Posted by Cthulhu117 (spartan_eric_271@yahoo.com)
12 January 2006, 9:07 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Cthulhu1170112062107461.html
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Halo Fanatic 2005
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 7:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is great, I read the rest of the sereis just before Hierach came out. Then it came out and I read that, and I've been waiting for this one. One question though. Did Vansamee know who Eraa was Question
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 7:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

At the very end, right before he dies, he puts two and two together. Not at first, then, but eventually.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 8:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good, though there were a few 'humanities' in there.

"Come with" and "straight to hell" and the like just seem out of place. Just watch out for those.

Otherwise I don't have anything really to complain about. Good plot and character progression, development is smooth and well thought out.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 9:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, great story. Yeah, there were a few humanities and the last parting of 'Vansamee and Eraa was a little soppy and cliche.

Some small problems with cannon. I don't think the energy swords actually run out. I know they do in the campaign, but not in "real life", so to speak. Or it would suck.

Truth you depicted quite well in this chapter, though I certainly didn't know about his shield (maybe Regret lost his instructions manual?). However, I don't think the Elites would ever show disrespect for a Prophet, even when one of their own had been killed because of his actions. Think: these guys were indoctrinated from birth to look up to them. Which directly contradicts the fact that they split up in Halo 2, but that's probably because their greater faith was in their religion, not the Prophets themselves. Still, Elites are practically incapable of shouting at a Prophet, whatever situation it is.

Elites call higher-ranked Elites "Excellency" or perhaps "Great One". You'll have to read the novels. Tartarus called Truth "Almighty One" and "Holy One", I think. And Eraa would refer to Truth as "The Hierarch" or the "Great Prophet". It's all about respect.

I guess even Truth wouldn't be dumb enough to bring such a small force into an alien-infested ship, but how else would you engineer 'Vansamee's death?

That's just nit-picking though. It's a cool chapter. Read more of the novels, cos even though the writers aren't very good, there's a lot of interesting material in there.
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dagorath wrote:
Hey, great story. Yeah, there were a few humanities and the last parting of 'Vansamee and Eraa was a little soppy and cliche.


Yeah, that was kinda cheap. I could have made it better, but I wanted to submit the story before the deadline.

Dagorath wrote:
Truth you depicted quite well in this chapter, though I certainly didn't know about his shield (maybe Regret lost his instructions manual?).


Of course he did! Otherwise he'd teleport up to the ceiling and stick his ongue out at you while his Guards slaughter you to death.

Dagorath wrote:
Elites call higher-ranked Elites "Excellency" or perhaps "Great One". You'll have to read the novels. Tartarus called Truth "Almighty One" and "Holy One", I think. And Eraa would refer to Truth as "The Hierarch" or the "Great Prophet". It's all about respect.


Thanks. I have incorporated this into Commander: Prophecy. Coming soon to a nationally acclaimed fanfic website...oh, all right. Coming soon to HBOFF.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 3:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool. But don't rush things. Don't try to get it before the Friday deadline (cheapass). We appreciate quality.
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Halo Fanatic 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool!! I can't wait for Prophecy, it should be good after your others. Good luck!
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2006 12:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have read the novels. I just don't own them, owing to a total lack of $$$, blingbling, or anything else I might be able to exchange for them. I am going to go get them out of my library ASAP.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2006 2:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Indeed. Be very careful about how you have your Elites come across. They sounded a bit too human for my taste. Not too much, but it was not as alien as would have been preferable. "It's", a conjunction, seems out of place in proper speech. Watch out for that.

And as a note to your dialogue in general, you can use double quotes.


The flow could be inproved a bit. Things just seemed a bit on the choppy side. The description was good, but a bit too much telling and not enough showing. Careful with that. I like your style, but do mix it with some descriptions every once and a while. That's my take, anyway.


Overall, this was not a bad chapter. I won't go to point out specifics, as that takes a whole lot of time. Just work hard on what has been and will be pointed out, and push towards that improvement in the future. Good luck.
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