HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Cardinal Sins: Prologue

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 2:57 pm    Post subject: Cardinal Sins: Prologue Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Cardinal Sins: Prologue
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
6 January 2006, 3:24 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle0106060324041.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Pooman
Member


Joined: 18 Aug 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Kentucky

PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 10:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh, your style reminds me of John Grisham. Nice job with this, but well, what did this have to do with Halo? If I missed something then please correct me. 9.6/10
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address
Wellington
Member


Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This series is set in the Halo Universe, involving institutions and locations from the game and books. It takes place just before the Covenant make themselves known.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
russ687
Member


Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 10:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dun, dun *Law & Order music*

Anyways...

Personally, far too many characters added in the first four paragraphs. Four characters just like that can give the impression that this whole thing is going to be stuffed Chicago-style with names. Ease into it just a little more.

You wrote:
"It seems odd, insane even, that the public would so overwhelmingly support the imposition of Martial Law mere months after the CIF entered office, especially given what happened during its previous enactment," she said at last, and all three men's eyes lifted to hold her own as she spoke.


Everytime you use an acrynom, spell it out at the next possible moment. For instance, it would have been best to describe it immediately at the end of the dialogue. You did it two or three paragraphs later, which leaves the reader in unneeded confusion until you describe what the acrynom is.

You wrote:
"If Martial Law was imposed by any abuse of power, it is unlikely it will be uncovered at least until it is lifted, and quite possibly not until they leave office."


Well, some people can really interpret this kind of stuff well, but personally I think it's just messy. It is unlikely it will be uncovered at least until it is lifted is a poor way to say that, and consequently I had to reread it just to understand what he was saying. Something simpler like "It's likely it will be covered until it is lifted" would have made things a breeze.

You wrote:
To escape bloodshed was why they had come here, after all, and it seemed to many that the CIF was the only party capable of maintaining this desperately wanted peace.


Man, I loved that historical informative section. Dates and facts are great when properly integrated with a novel, and you did that very well. I chuckled at the quote above, though, since it really shows just how naive people are. They want peace and are willing to accept martial law? Pshh, may as well build them a fortress with chain-linked fences to keep the "bad guys" out. Rolling Eyes

You used the word "plebiscite" enough times in there to merit a word switch, since like it or not, a 'rare' word seen many times over can offer the appearance of repetition (I'm guilty of it, too). Just find a synonym or another way to descibe it to break it up.

You wrote:
They were not civil police, either, but militia, heavily armed officers who dealt with matters of marked danger and importance and whose presence had been largely increased since the imposition of Martial Law.


Okay, I'm getting a little confused here. First off, martial law means there must be a military, but you mentioned a militia. So is there any organization here? Or did this political party simply appoint some citizens under the banner of some militia to enforce the law? That is quite obviously very unwise, considering that if a militia was in charge of enforcement (and not a flagged military of the gov't), they could simply take charge.

You wrote:
"Steven Wright?" the man asked questioningly, though he must have known his target already.


"Asked questioningly" is a little ambiguous. "Asked pointedly" or "asked dubiously" would have made things a bit clearer, IMO.


Hot damn, I was so pissed at the end there (not at you, but at those "police officers" Smile ). First off, the officers have to at least show identifcation, otherwise the whole idea of martial law is open to impersonators, and thus martial law is actually more dangerous. Oh well, I'll live with it.

Overall, nice job. A little wordy, though that's my middle name, and sometimes your sentence structure inhibited the flow, but nonetheless good. Looking forward to the next.

-R

PS: I'm surprised this hasn't been commented on more. Oh, wait, I know why, but if I say anything about it I'll start a flame war. That aside, this was good enough to merit much more attention.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Wellington
Member


Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Sun Jan 08, 2006 12:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Okay, I'm getting a little confused here. First off, martial law means there must be a military, but you mentioned a militia. So is there any organization here? Or did this political party simply appoint some citizens under the banner of some militia to enforce the law? That is quite obviously very unwise, considering that if a militia was in charge of enforcement (and not a flagged military of the gov't), they could simply take charge.


Woops. Didn't realize I left that unexplained. I'm borrowing the term "militia" from Soviet police organization. They were more or less the municipal police of Soviet Russia. I'm changing their role a bit here, and am simply borrowing the name from history. As you intimated, I will be borrowing many things from history.

Thanks a lot for the comments, russ.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
SeverianofUrth
Member


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to admit, the prologue really set things in motion: its rare that a single chapter can really set both the setting and the mood so well and in such size. Okay, maybe it was just the sheer monumental size of your chapter (it seems like you're following Russ' wordy leads), but the fact remains that I, by the end, had both a good sense of your universe, your characters, and the course that I think the story will take. The prologue really thickened (and if you were writing horror, I'd say 'sickened') the plot right from the beginning. I'm liking it.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Wellington
Member


Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 7:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a lot Sevarian. Glad you enjoyed it.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Dagorath
Member


Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5

PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 3:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi, Arthur. Liked your portrayal of the characters. But I found it a little....dry?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group