| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4354
|
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Mainevent
Member
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama
|
 Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 12:59 am Post subject: |
 |
|
Very good.
This is actually the first series I've waited for updates for in a while.
There were a couple too-long, almost run-on sentences and flow issues, but these were rare and not too much a hinderance.
I'm really enjoying your writing style, and you keep your characters vivid and alive, instead of having them descend into tedium and declining into boring doldrums. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Azathoth
Member
Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 09, 2006 8:03 pm Post subject: |
|
|
What sort of problems exactly? Can I get a specific example, because I'm too busy writing Commander: Massacre to go over the whole chapter again. I'm so lazy 
EDIT: Yay! Massacre is done. That took me a while. It will come out tomorrow.
Last edited by Azathoth on Thu Jan 12, 2006 9:08 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Mainevent
Member
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 09, 2006 9:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: | | Thus it was not till the next cycle that Orna walked into Eraa's dormitory room to find him meditating and repeating the Seven Principles of Strategy to himself |
I don't really see a need for the 'to himself' at the end. It makes it longer than necessary and takes away from the flow. Also, you probably could have said meditatively repeating to just cut down on the length.
| Quote: | | 'Timraee was generally more friendly to the lower ranks, but at the moment he was confused, angry and generally unable to tell what the hell was going on. |
Repetition: generally.
| Quote: | | He had been volunteered for this mission by none other than the Energy Sword of the Prophets himself, Supreme General 'Vutbrugee. |
Not grammatical, but Energy Sword of the Prophets sounds somewhat...corny.
| Quote: | | He wondered why 'Vutbrugee had insisted that a battlecruiser and not a carrier should bring the Prophet of Truth and the rest of the negotiators to this meeting with the Brute Chieftain. |
It'd be better if you set off 'and not a carrier' in commas.
| Quote: | If he had known 'Vutbrugee's reasoning, he would have been even less at ease. A battlecruiser had much less mass, making a slipspace destination easier to calculate. Therefore, it could escape into slipspace almost ten times faster than a carrier.
|
I think maybe a little phrase, such as 'they'd probably need it', or something along those lines, would have spiced this up considerably. As it is I could easily think that you just moved on quickly from the reason to slipspace physics, but adding a little phrase to the end could clarify that somewhat.
| Quote: | | Ever since him and his damned gravity throne had |
I think that should be he and his.
There are some others, but I don't feel like doing all the minor things. Like I said, minor. They don't really take away from the overall story, but just tiny things you could improve if you wanted. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Azathoth
Member
Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2006 9:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Mainevent wrote: | | Not grammatical, but Energy Sword of the Prophets sounds somewhat...corny. |
Wtf? I set my Find and Change tool to find those and change them to Sword of the Prophets. That's weird. You're right, it does sound corny. That's why I wanted to change it.
| Quote: | | Ever since him and his damned gravity throne had |
I think that should be he and his.
You're right, just looked that up. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Dagorath
Member
Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 9:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hi Azathoth! Another cool chapter. THe Fist of Rukt is cooler than ever, good use of Latin (?) for the Brute bodyguard/chieftain names.
However, I think the Brutes have a grudge against the Hunters, so the association witht he Sharquoi is probably just to show how they're both feral and primal. Which directly contradicts the fact that their spaceships are even better than the Covenants.
Not sure about the ground engagement thing. At the back of First Strike, it says somethign about Truth admiring Tartarus's muscles "which would tear anything apart, even a mighty Hunter". However, Hunters are pretty hard to kill and Elites have shields, which do help a bit. I haven't played that level a lot of times, btu I think that the Brutes always win against the Elites when you're in the level High Charity.
Truth was funny, but I think he would be more officious and try to suck up to the Elites more. I dunno about all those other Prophets though....
I wonder, are there more Covenant Holy Cities out there? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Azathoth
Member
Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 11:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
On Easy, Brutes kick @$$. On Normal, they win with heavy losses. On Heroic, it's a tossup. On Legendary, they usually lose. On Mythic, their furry butts get whipped and they run back to their mamas.
Anyway, just cause Tartarus could beat a Hunter doesn't mean the rest of the Brutes could. Tartarus is much larger and tougher than any other Brute. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Dagorath
Member
Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 12:59 pm Post subject: |
|
|
That's true. I guess the Elites are supposed to win. They're more intelligent, have cooler heads, have shields, and better weapons (only Elites have Energy Swords!). But Brutes' melee attacks are stronger, I think.
Not that Elites' ones are much worse. In Halo 1, I have sparring matches with Elites on Legendary, and I normally win. I do the same thing with Elites in H2 and get pwned on Normal  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Halo Fanatic 2005
Member
Joined: 13 Jan 2006
Posts: 43
Location: The best place ever. So good, I haven't had time to find out where it is.
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 7:11 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Azaoth, I just read Commander: Hierach. It was the best in the series, just one question. Does Vansamee know Eraa is his son? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Dagorath
Member
Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 12:55 am Post subject: |
|
|
| WHAT? He's his son? WHAT? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Halo Fanatic 2006
Member
Joined: 17 Apr 2006
Posts: 139
Location: Azeroth, I can't find my way out!
|
| Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 7:26 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Yes, 'Vansamee is 'Gamsamee's father. Duh.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
FAQ
Search
Memberlist
Usergroups
Register
Profile
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
