HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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A Fireside Story
Posted by Dagorath (hoyinshan@gmail.com)
4 January 2006, 3:36 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Dagorath0104060336251.html

SeverianofUrth · Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:18 pm Post subject:

Ha ha ha! Yeah!

TWO BIG THUMBS UP.

There were some grammatical errors now and then, but it was overshadowed by the story. Great job! I loved the familiar style-- it really feels like a 'fireside story'-- and your speculations about how Halo 3 might turn out. Damn, this was some good stuff. I'm not going to go on since I don't want to spoil things, but hey-- this was freaking awesome.

Tin Can Man · Member Joined: 15 Jul 2005 Posts: 170

Excellent stuff.

HELSING · Member Joined: 21 Jan 2005 Posts: 151

Very interesting point of view. I found it refreshing, I've never seen anything like it before. Good job.

Pooman · Member Joined: 18 Aug 2005 Posts: 86 Location: Kentucky

Oh wow! Was he the Master Chief? Great story! 9.8/10

Dagorath · Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 12:22 am Post subject:

Hey! Thanks! Didn't know it would be that popular. I thought it would be kinda cliche. Didn't know that there hadn't been anything like it yet.

Me, I work from the bottom up. I think of an ending, then I write the beginning and middle. All of my short stories were like that. Arbiter's Fall I wanted the Arbiter to have dual swords (perhaps I was a little single-minded in this pursuit), ONI Section Two I thought of the baby conversation first, MC Inbound I wanted him to fall from the ship (afterall, if Bungie makes us fight thirty crack Brute Honour Guards in the first level of Halo 3 it would seriously suck), and this one i wanted Grandpa to be the MC.

Tell ya what, I'm gonna submit this story to the Bungie Fans Online. I think I stand a chance. How many of us have entered anyway? Bronzemage entered for every category, like three days after the start of the competition.

Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 1:47 am Post subject:

Dagorath · Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 1:56 am Post subject:

Well, he sort of began talking to himself half-way through. I'll see. Still two weeks to go. I'm gonna submit 5 (?) 200 - 300 word shorts to Fan Fic so you guys can pick out the best one for me to enter in the Really Short section. Bronzey submitted "Roses" and I'm like, "Uh-oh".

Mainevent · Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 2:24 am Post subject:

Well, I think the idea and overall story is great, but I think you should really go back through it. I know he's trying to recap it and all, but the story itself just really isn't that interesting. The sentences are somewhat...choppy, and it just seems to move so quickly. Also, some of your word choice was...questionable. Meddling for Keyes seems like a bad term, and a few other similar things kind of hurt your story.

I'd love to help you fix this up, but only if you'd like my input. I see a lot of potential here, but I think that it's not being used as much as possible.

Good, but with more, it could be GREAT.

Dagorath · Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 2:32 am Post subject:

Yeah, feel free to tell me how to improve! PM me or just put it in this thread. Thanks Main!

HELSING · Member Joined: 21 Jan 2005 Posts: 151

I've got to agree with Main, go over it some more if you're going to submit it.

Mainevent · Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 5:51 am Post subject:

I actually realized that at one point you had the chief written off as dead, and then later on you had him back in the fighting.

Some little inconsistencies there.

Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 7:11 am Post subject:

Was that the New Mambossa part? I thought he meant that the textbooks had him down as dead, but he survived obviously or there'd be no ending to Halo 2. Wait a minute.... Very Happy

.

Dagorath · Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 9:33 am Post subject:

No, he never died, and I never said so. I said the TEXTBOOKS said he died (sorry for hte capitals, can't be bothered to use all the tags) but obviously he didn't, or there won't be no Grandpa sitting in the room.

Thanks for the PM, by the way, Main.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

I noticed from the start that there were small mistakes skattered about. Just little things that made it a bit less smooth. One was repedetiveness in places. Just repeats of certain words, the usual kind. Always make sure to watch out for that. And if you plan to submit this to the contest, just make sure to give this a very good series of proofs before doing so.