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A Fireside Story
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 2:57 pm    Post subject: A Fireside Story Reply with quote

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A Fireside Story
Posted by Dagorath (hoyinshan@gmail.com)
4 January 2006, 3:36 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Dagorath0104060336251.html
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha ha ha! Yeah!

TWO BIG THUMBS UP.

There were some grammatical errors now and then, but it was overshadowed by the story. Great job! I loved the familiar style-- it really feels like a 'fireside story'-- and your speculations about how Halo 3 might turn out. Damn, this was some good stuff. I'm not going to go on since I don't want to spoil things, but hey-- this was freaking awesome.
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Tin Can Man
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent stuff.
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HELSING
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 10:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very interesting point of view. I found it refreshing, I've never seen anything like it before. Good job.
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Pooman
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh wow! Was he the Master Chief? Great story! 9.8/10
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 12:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey! Thanks! Didn't know it would be that popular. I thought it would be kinda cliche. Didn't know that there hadn't been anything like it yet.

Me, I work from the bottom up. I think of an ending, then I write the beginning and middle. All of my short stories were like that. Arbiter's Fall I wanted the Arbiter to have dual swords (perhaps I was a little single-minded in this pursuit), ONI Section Two I thought of the baby conversation first, MC Inbound I wanted him to fall from the ship (afterall, if Bungie makes us fight thirty crack Brute Honour Guards in the first level of Halo 3 it would seriously suck), and this one i wanted Grandpa to be the MC.

Tell ya what, I'm gonna submit this story to the Bungie Fans Online. I think I stand a chance. How many of us have entered anyway? Bronzemage entered for every category, like three days after the start of the competition.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 1:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dagorath wrote:
Tell ya what, I'm gonna submit this story to the Bungie Fans Online. I think I stand a chance.
Ye-ah! Now that's what I'm talking about! You should go for it man, I loved this, only only problem with it. Grandpa/MC, he's talkign to children, just the language you used could have been altered a little, not much. Aside from that, it was great, keep it up.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, he sort of began talking to himself half-way through. I'll see. Still two weeks to go. I'm gonna submit 5 (?) 200 - 300 word shorts to Fan Fic so you guys can pick out the best one for me to enter in the Really Short section. Bronzey submitted "Roses" and I'm like, "Uh-oh".
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 2:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I think the idea and overall story is great, but I think you should really go back through it. I know he's trying to recap it and all, but the story itself just really isn't that interesting. The sentences are somewhat...choppy, and it just seems to move so quickly. Also, some of your word choice was...questionable. Meddling for Keyes seems like a bad term, and a few other similar things kind of hurt your story.

I'd love to help you fix this up, but only if you'd like my input. I see a lot of potential here, but I think that it's not being used as much as possible.

Good, but with more, it could be GREAT.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 2:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, feel free to tell me how to improve! PM me or just put it in this thread. Thanks Main!
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HELSING
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 4:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've got to agree with Main, go over it some more if you're going to submit it.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 5:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I actually realized that at one point you had the chief written off as dead, and then later on you had him back in the fighting.

Some little inconsistencies there.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 7:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Was that the New Mambossa part? I thought he meant that the textbooks had him down as dead, but he survived obviously or there'd be no ending to Halo 2. Wait a minute.... Very Happy.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 9:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No, he never died, and I never said so. I said the TEXTBOOKS said he died (sorry for hte capitals, can't be bothered to use all the tags) but obviously he didn't, or there won't be no Grandpa sitting in the room.

Thanks for the PM, by the way, Main.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 10, 2006 1:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I noticed from the start that there were small mistakes skattered about. Just little things that made it a bit less smooth. One was repedetiveness in places. Just repeats of certain words, the usual kind. Always make sure to watch out for that. And if you plan to submit this to the contest, just make sure to give this a very good series of proofs before doing so.


Quote:
"Well, when the UNSC was younger by several decades, a battlegroup of ships went to inspect a colony called Harvest, and they disappeared. Another group went to investigate and it turned out that a huge alien conglomeration called the Covenant had invaded the planet."


The Covenant never invaded Harvest. They just glassed it. At least, that's as much as the Humans know. When the first ship showed up, the planet was oblitherated.


I don't know if John would refer to himself -- even in stories -- as just "the Master Chief." I would think he would at least say "Spartan 117." If he were hiding his identity, he wouldn't say "John," but he wouldn't refer to himself, as a name, by his rank. That just seems out of place.


I liked the ending, though. Very nice.


Overall, this was pretty good. A nice little story. It was a bit clipped, and didn't read as well as it could have. So, like has already been said, just make sure to look over this well and improve it as much as possible.

Good job. Keep it up, Dagorath.
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