HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4355

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Solo with a Spartan-Chapter 1: A new Agenda
Posted by Forerunner's Advocate (sttrooper87100@yahoo.com)
30 September 2004, 2:07 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=forerunners_.0930040207321.html

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Well, I seem to be in a good mood this morning, but I still can't tell you outright. Visit the "directions for use" link.
Work on your paragraphing a bit. Like, separate your dialogue up into separate paragraphs. Detail too. Whenever you have these characters doing something, tell us what there doing and describe it to an extent with more details. You seemed a little repedetive in there as well.
Also, watch your PoV. You seemed to switch a little between first person and third person, so just stick to one. I woul recommend third, it is better to read.
Now, as for your "main character" liking certain weapons, I suppose that is alright. But Marines have specific things that they usually do in a unit, so you might tighten down on that sort of thing.
"plasma pulse rifle", well, we just call 'em plasma rifles.
As for your dialogue, I have a few suggestions. Make it a little more reaslistic. I just didn't get the feeling of talking between military people. Second, add some puncuation in there.
Now about that mission... well, I'm not sure. John, I think, would go alone rather than with a teammate, but, hmm... Also, well, I just think John would have chosen slightly differing words. Spartans are pretty exclusive about who they accept as a true teammate.

Overall, it was pretty good, but some mistakes in there kinda took away from the total story. Work on grammar and spelling mistakes, and keep practicing.
_________________
-MCC

Forerunner's Advocate · Member Joined: 25 Sep 2004 Posts: 8 Location: My Computer

Well thanks for the great tips. This is my first story about the Halo-verse (or any other verse actually) so I expected a few errors. But about teaming up with John it might be a welcome change for him because he says a few times in the book The Flood that he would have liked his team with him again. (later in the story events will unfold that make it more believeable...)

Thanks again,
FA

snowy_duck · Member Joined: 06 Aug 2004 Posts: 4 Location: Minnesota

please please please times a squillion, do NOT put all the dialog into one paragraph, it's just too damn confusing trying to figure out who's saying what, sure you might think "hey i understand it so they should too" but NO, it's your story and it's in your head and we don't even wanna go whats in your head Wink

so please, from now on, just start right now, DO NOT PUT IT ALL IN ONE PARAGRAPH. seperate by lines, thank you

Swift'n'Painful · Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2004 2:24 pm Post subject:

Great story overall, a couple of spelling errors, but no one is perfect Wink

I'm anxious to see what Corporal Campbell and the chief are going to be up too.

SYSTEM · Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2004 4:20 pm Post subject:

There's some potential, unlike some of the other ficks I've seen today.

Well, I'll only say this - needs some tweaking. A friend would point that out easily - take it to a buddy, have him or her read it out loud. That could catch everything.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

Forerunner's Advocate · Member Joined: 25 Sep 2004 Posts: 8 Location: My Computer

Hey I have written a new version of the same story and worked out most of the bugs. I made it more "military" as mc's cousin put it. And I took out Captain Keyes because he would be dead at the time this story occurs. Hope you all like the next one better. By the way it is the same story but the "new" first chapter will lead into the story so much better.
Thank you all for reading this and the New revised version will be called a new breed of spartan.

Enjoy,
F.A.

Nick Kang · Posted: Sun Oct 03, 2004 12:27 pm Post subject:

Well I was gonna read this, but now that you say a better one is coming out, I'll just wait for that one.
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.

Phædrus · Posted: Sun Oct 03, 2004 10:46 pm Post subject:

Not bad. I'll give it a 7/10. There are a lot of errors and formatting problems, but otherwise, it has potential. Nough said.

Forerunner's Advocate · Member Joined: 25 Sep 2004 Posts: 8 Location: My Computer

I thought I'd better tell you the new name of the series it is calle A New Breed of Spartan.

Enjoy

Jenkins · Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2004 2:34 pm Post subject:

That was pretty good for a first-timer. Your beginning started out a little too formal and then made a complete flip-flop over to super casual, that's a little much for one chapter. You only have to say "Spartan 117 or Master Chief" one time. Just listen to the advice of people like MCC and you'll do fine.

It is my great opinion that there is no better feeling than running over a grunt with a corvette! Too bad it wastes gas...