HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Halo: The Things That We Fight For [part 2 of ?]
Posted by Nick
29 September 2004, 11:23 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=nick.0929042323362.html

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

You need to use proper paragraphing. Like, separate your dialogue from person to person.
Work on your details a little too. But watch out and don't get too repedative. I noticed that a few places where you did that.
As for how long it took for him to remove his armor, well, it took techs fifteen minutes to put it on, and all the Spartans learned how to take it on and off efficiently. And I don't think he would wear a "Marine" uniform, maybe a Navy uniform, since that what he is, but whatever.
Also, watch your personalities. Make sure you keep MC sounding like himself.

Overall, it needs work, but it was alright. Just wast spelling and grammar, and make sure everything adds up.
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-MCC