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Intruder Alert
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 2:49 pm    Post subject: Intruder Alert Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Intruder Alert
Posted by Mainevent
22 December 2005, 8:23 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Mainevent1222052023371.html
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
Click for Picture


I wanted to click... Wink

You wrote:
"I highly doubt that," Fred smirked to himself while peeling a ripe apple and watching the monitor from his too-small kitchen.


I'm not sure if peeling an able is the right description. Skinning an apple would work.

You wrote:
If you see these people, authorities advise you to lock your doors and dial--."


If you don't have MS Word set up to create em-dashes, I highly suggest you change it. Looks a lot better as one solid line, rather than two little en-dashes. Oh, and you don't put punctuation after an em-dash (i.e. no period).

Overall, great job. I'm glad to see the continuation of this series, and as always you did a good job of details and descriptions. Keep up the good work, Main.

-Russ
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama

PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yea, skinning probably would have been a better word, you're right on that one.

And I usually don't put punctuation after those...grr. Stupid mistake.

Thanks!
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Saint Schmitty
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Joined: 17 May 2005
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 5:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hey, that was good. kinda didnt know what was going on, but hey it was good.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 7:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Did you read the first series or just jump in?
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Saint Schmitty
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

jump in, i just got back bro!
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 9:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yea, then you'll definitely want to read the other series first. It REALLY helps.
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2005 11:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

when did cortana ever call John by his name?
thats the only thing that bothers me.
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 12:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Section 4, midway down. Thats when.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 4:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Long time between drinks is all I can say, I gotta go back and re-read the first three before I can hope to understand whats going on, but it looks as good as the originals anyway Main.
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Michael Archer
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Joined: 19 Aug 2004
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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada, North America, Earth, Inner Planets, Too bad it won't let me go farther.

PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi.

The story was very well written. I laughed when I saw that you put C:Program files. I see that all the time.
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 25, 2005 8:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's a continuation of another series? I had no idea. I just "jumped in", as you put it. Great, er, continuation.

Did I see the words "City 17"?
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 25, 2005 2:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes you did. Allusion to Half-Life 2 for anyone who wasn't aware.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 26, 2005 3:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You have just earned my everlasting support Very Happy
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 26, 2005 3:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice Main, keep this up.
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