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Reality Check

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 2:52 pm    Post subject: Reality Check Reply with quote

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Reality Check
Posted by Zeta (JangoMaster126@aol.com)
28 September 2004, 10:50 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=zeta.0928042250531.html
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Pajari
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Joined: 28 Sep 2004
Posts: 100
Location: Luna

PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2004 1:36 am    Post subject: Whoo! Reply with quote

Excellent all-around job, very vivid and wrenching prose, and, for once, good use of the code!

One of the best short stories I have ever read- not just on the forums, but anywhere! Very good job!
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2004 11:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You need to work on your paragraphing. Make sure you have a new paragraph for each new speaker. Also, it would be nice if you had a tad bit more detail. It was alright, but I would have liked a sharper image of all the action that was occuring.
Things kinda passed impassively in some situations as well. Things became slightly jumbled and almost confusing. So, jsut smooth things out a bit. Work on your flow, fixing grammar mistakes would help there.

Overall, it was interesting. The whole dream thing kind a became repedetive, disterbing, and kinda freaky about after his second thing with the Elite. Anyway, I suppose it was pretty good. Just work on the stuff tha gets pointed out to you.
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