HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

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Reality Check
Posted by Zeta (JangoMaster126@aol.com)
28 September 2004, 10:50 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=zeta.0928042250531.html

Pajari · Member Joined: 28 Sep 2004 Posts: 100 Location: Luna

Excellent all-around job, very vivid and wrenching prose, and, for once, good use of the code!

One of the best short stories I have ever read- not just on the forums, but anywhere! Very good job!

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

You need to work on your paragraphing. Make sure you have a new paragraph for each new speaker. Also, it would be nice if you had a tad bit more detail. It was alright, but I would have liked a sharper image of all the action that was occuring.
Things kinda passed impassively in some situations as well. Things became slightly jumbled and almost confusing. So, jsut smooth things out a bit. Work on your flow, fixing grammar mistakes would help there.

Overall, it was interesting. The whole dream thing kind a became repedetive, disterbing, and kinda freaky about after his second thing with the Elite. Anyway, I suppose it was pretty good. Just work on the stuff tha gets pointed out to you.
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-MCC