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Commander: Trial

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 2:10 pm    Post subject: Commander: Trial Reply with quote

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Commander: Trial
Posted by Cthulhu117 (spartan_eric_271@yahoo.com)
15 December 2005, 9:31 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Cthulhu1171215052131171.html
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2005 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nobody's said anything yet? I liked it when I wrote, but now, rereading it, I'm not so sure.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2005 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
cold and tired and injured
huge, cold and perilous


Be sure to make it a,b, AND c instead of a, b and c on those.

Quote:
He thought back to his education on the history of the trial which he now suffered.


Since we already know by this point that he is undergoing the trial you can take that suffered part out. I think you got the miserableness of the whole thing across pretty well already.

Quote:
The Neophytes who struggled through the vale could never be certain what dangers were inherent to the deadly nature of the region and which were set up to weed out the unworthy.


The last half of this sentence is just kind of a jumble to me. Try something more like : The Neophyte young who crossed into this deadly region's threshold were never certain what dangers lay ahead, but they knew very well that only the worthy would survive them.

Quote:
endured: when they reached the age of thirteen


You'd be better of just making a new sentence here.

Quote:
short, curved metal blade


Quote:
uncomfortably long amount of time


You could go ahead and get rid of "amount of", it just takes away from the flow.

I saw some other mistakes, but most of those were branches of ones I've already discussed. One Eraa/Era problem so far. Though I doubt Sanghelli use the term nerd, so try to avoid putting human terms, especially one so informal, in a Covenant POV writing.

Quote:
Crasta's arms were nowhere in sight, and the beacon was implanted into the left bicep


There's not a problem here so much as reversing this sentence's order would have helped.

Overally, a very good beginning. I really liked this story.

Good, vivid descriptions which really helped characterize your protagonist. Well done. Code was in there, but it was spaced well enough that it didn't matter eitherway.
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Matthiasthe14th
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 29, 2005 12:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aside from the problems listed by Mainevent, it was an excellent story. Keep up the good work. Very Happy
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 29, 2005 7:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mainevent wrote:
Be sure to make it a,b, AND c instead of a, b and c on those.


Actually, I'm pretty sure that you don't have to do that. I could be wrong, because I didn't pay much attention in sixth-grade English, but I don't think the comma before 'and' matters.

Quote:
The last half of this sentence is just kind of a jumble to me. Try something more like : The Neophyte young who crossed into this deadly region's threshold were never certain what dangers lay ahead, but they knew very well that only the worthy would survive them.


That wasn't quite my meaning. I meant that some of the danger in the trial was just there: the blizzard, etc. But some of the danger is specifically put there to cause pain: the spiky things, etc.

Quote:
I saw some other mistakes, but most of those were branches of ones I've already discussed. One Eraa/Era problem so far. Though I doubt Sanghelli use the term nerd, so try to avoid putting human terms, especially one so informal, in a Covenant POV writing.


Yeah, but I couldn't think of a word that worked.

Thanks for the positive responses, anyway.
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Matthiasthe14th
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 12:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Azathoth wrote:
Mainevent wrote:
Be sure to make it a,b, AND c instead of a, b and c on those.


Actually, I'm pretty sure that you don't have to do that. I could be wrong, because I didn't pay much attention in sixth-grade English, but I don't think the comma before 'and' matters.


I hate to be picky, but since this is my strong point (well, sorta), the comma is, in fact, placed in the order of "a, b, and c." Although one can do it like "a and b and c", it is not recommended due to clumsy appearence and reading difficulty. Anyone please inform me if I'm wrong. So there I go, piggybacking off of other users correction points... Razz
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 2:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Matthiasthe14th wrote:
Azathoth wrote:
Mainevent wrote:
Be sure to make it a,b, AND c instead of a, b and c on those.


Actually, I'm pretty sure that you don't have to do that. I could be wrong, because I didn't pay much attention in sixth-grade English, but I don't think the comma before 'and' matters.


I hate to be picky, but since this is my strong point (well, sorta), the comma is, in fact, placed in the order of "a, b, and c." Although one can do it like "a and b and c", it is not recommended due to clumsy appearence and reading difficulty. Anyone please inform me if I'm wrong. So there I go, piggybacking off of other users correction points... Razz



That'd be called asyndenton if I remember correctly.
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Dracc
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 3:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks to the infinite complexities of the English languages, and the syntax that goes with it, the answer to the a, b, and c thing is this: They are both equally correct. Sometime when I was going to elemtry school they started telling us that since the , stood in place of the word and that using a comma before an and was redunant. This was done in order to phase out the use of that comma slowly. I learned the with the comma, so I use it. But all of the kids being taught today are being taught not to use it. in 30 years it will be official gone. In the meantime my college english handbook lists them both as acceptable.
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Matthiasthe14th
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 6:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, the old "newspeak" infection. Too bad.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 7:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, and I thought it was Dave's smoking that kept most girls away from this forum...Very Happy.
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