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A Halo Christmas Star

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:22 pm    Post subject: A Halo Christmas Star Reply with quote

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A Halo Christmas Star
Posted by Polarbear (tiepilot912@yahoo.ca)
10 December 2005, 9:31 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Polarbear1210050931011.html
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 11:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was cool. Oddly touching, though quite a bit doubtful at times. Though Halo's destruction didn't occur on Christmas Eve, I'll give it to you because it was a nice setup.

Also, the Code.
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Helljumper
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Joined: 31 Jul 2004
Posts: 298
Location: Pittsburgh

PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2005 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

interesting story and I understand where u were going eventhough there were a lot of errors. white flag is a human thing, Covenant wouldn't know wat it means. plus grunts really can't talk in the game MC knows what they are saying due to a translation software in his suit. plus grunts wouldn't use the word Elite thats a human word

ODST
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Cipher
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Joined: 12 Sep 2005
Posts: 19
Location: in limbo, awaiting Dracs next fic update. In the meantime, I'm playing with LEGO's.

PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2005 3:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This Has to be one of the best mergings I've ever read.
I give you the Golden Woot Award for originality, and merging of two semi-seperate things.
Great fun, Polar bear.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll make this one... condensed.


Don't abbreviate ranks. "Cpl" is not word, nor can it be pronounced. But Corporal can. Spell them out. Exception: PFC.

Break up your paragraphs. Dialogue counts as a paragraph, too. So, make sure to stick a space bewteen your lines of dialogue and the next paragraph (or another line of dialogue). Additionally: Check out the link in my signature to learn about coding -- with it, you can add indents, which will also help you to break up your paragraphs.

You wrote:
This halo thing didn't rotate like a real planet, so the only sunset the place ever got came when the sun went behind the huge planet.


I'm gonna have to disagree. We know that Halo rotates. It is possible that it is at a lagrange point around Threshold, but we know for sure that it rotates on its own, like a wheel. Written in the books. I like how you added in this little detail, but seeing as it is incorrect, the creativity is lessened a bit. Look up these kinds of things if you can.


Make your transitions more apparent. Add in an extra space between paragraphs or something to let us know that the scene and PoV has changed that drastically. IA: You can use horizontal rules to preform the same job; those are part of coding, too. Once again, refer to the link in my signature for more information on how to use the Code.

I would normally disagree with an Elite ever deciding to seek peace with humans... but because of your story's content, I'll let it slide. Careful though, Elites hate humans. Hell, all of the Covenant hates humans. They would not proclaim a truce lightly.

Likewise, none of the events on Halo took place near Christmas. But, this one was good for its meaning alone. So, I'll ignore that rather large incorrect detail.


Overall, this was okay. A pretty interesting and fairly unique plot. Hope to see more writing from you. Good luck.
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polarbear
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Joined: 20 Dec 2005
Posts: 2

PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 4:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for all the comments! I didn't expect to get any at all, this being my first submission. (Unless someone has posted stories on my behalf, that is.)

I know Halo didn't take place at Christmas. However, to combine Halo and Christmas, I had to take some artistic licence. I did the same thing with Halloween in an earlier effort.

"Elites hate humans and would never make a truce so easily" Oh, I think some of them would. They're individuals, after all. And the Arbiter allied with Sarge readily enough. He was a Fleetmaster, with as much arrogance and hatred as any Elite. (Though he was badly humbled by the followup events, I admit.)

The white flag? Maybe they'd know. My main mistake with this is, the Elite is a junior officer. A veteran would have seen humans trying to surrender. A younger one, probably not. Touche there.

Very helpful hints on writing structure, guys. I'll keep them in mind for my next submission!

Oh, and talking Grunts? I use them all the time, as Bungie intended: for comic relief. I like the ugly little puds Smile
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DraconicDreams
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Joined: 11 Oct 2005
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Location: Jersey

PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 4:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, you from HBN?
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polarbear
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Joined: 20 Dec 2005
Posts: 2

PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 9:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yep. I have a huge stock of stories I can post here, both here and on plasmafire.org. I'll have to go and retool them first, though..you guys really know what you're doing!
This place can be a great place to learn and collect fine feedback.
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flooded hunters
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 4
Location: Dallas, GA

PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 4:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool! I loved this, very "into the season" Very imaginative. And when they say (the other guys) "grunts wouldn't say 'elites'" They might, ppl say it all the time, they could have figured that humans don't know "sangheili" (is that spellled right? Laughing )
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