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That Old Feeling Ch:4 The Next Generation

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 5:46 pm    Post subject: That Old Feeling Ch:4 The Next Generation Reply with quote

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Gammamee
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Joined: 08 Sep 2005
Posts: 46
Location: The only place a man can call home...his home...

PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 8:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another title that catches my eye, I didn't read it all the way but I can tell you that I will. Thats judgement 101 for ya...
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 9:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Sorry people but it might be awhile before i submit the next chapter due to personal issues....sorry again.. please feel free to give my your opinion to help improve my story. Anyway here's chapter 4 enjoy...viva


One definete way you could improve would be making use of the BBformatting code. Get it here: http://hboff.bungie.org/viewtopic.php?t=2785

As for the story, it was a good read. Or it could have been if not for the grammatical errors. Stuff like this:

Quote:
The Spartan stopped flexing his right hand and tilted his head to the side. His V-shaped black visor hiding his face.


His black visor hiding his face-wha--? Maybe that first period should have been a comma,

"...tilted his head to the side, his V-shaped black visor hiding his face."

Quote:
"So umm now what?"


"So, umm, now what?"

And the use of numbers.

Little errors like this end up costing you; big time. The way to get through 'em? Proofread. Proofread your stories to death, and don't worry about being late. It takes four months for me to get a story out, and besides, if you want people to get attached to your writing and enjoy it, then know how to cater to your audience.

Also, you'll go much farther if you respond to your comments; it'll help, and people often give better advice to people that sign on.

Most importantly, have fun.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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!viva!
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Joined: 29 Nov 2005
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2005 7:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks both of y'all. Sorry but grammer isn't one of my strong points. I just hope that everyone enjoys the story. This whole thing was just a "spur of the moment" type of deal. Anyway...
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