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HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
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hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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 Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 7:13 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Blood sloughed off of it as it moved... |
A little flow issue there. "off of it" doesn't read all that well. Sure, it reads. But in that place, it just doesn't work as well as something else in its place could have. Watch those small flow issues. They're a killer.
Saw a few GPS mistakes in there. Kinda looked like you got a little sloppy, rushed this one out. Tisk, tisk. That just makes for needless errors, you know.
An interesting continuation, to be sure. But it went by a bit too quickly and really did feel rushed. I think that hurt the story. I just didn't feel like it should have, in my opinion. To short and choppy.
Keep workin', Sev.
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-MCC |
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2005 3:49 am Post subject: |
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It did go by a little faster than I would've liked, but I still enjoyed reading this. I've been waiting for the next installment of Seven Days. It's getting very... interesting.
And I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for that little girl that saw her dad killed, but, I still think you could've made me shed a tear if you had stretched that part where her spirit was slowly crushed a little longer.  |
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!
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| Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2005 7:14 am Post subject: |
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| Definatly went by too fast for my liking. Other than that, I enjoyed it. Creepy. |
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5
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| Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2005 8:59 am Post subject: |
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Hi, Sev. I read through this entire series, starting from Part One, which I think I read half of when I first started Halo Fan Fic. I won't go into the GPS and all that co sI personally think it's a really cool fic. Sinister and humoress and very entertaining. Maybe the ending was a little rushed (second part of part five, that is) but I don't give. This is a real cool series.
- Dag |
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
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| Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2005 6:46 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, everyone.
I don't know... maybe I wasn't in the 'groove' for this one. Sorry about the chapter, guys. Now that I look at it again, it was short & choppy. Hindsight thing leering it's ugly-ass face once more, huh... 20/20 vision my ass. |
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 4:41 am Post subject: |
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| You wrote: | | In the back— to where everyone had fled— I could hear moans, screams, prayers; then that sickening sound of a butcher at work. |
Ah, I feel like I'm being a total ass by pointing this out every time I see it, but everyone needs a pet peeve, eh?  There shouldn't be any space after an em-dash, it just looks odd.
Nice descriptions in there, Sev. Though I probably would have liked a bit more, painting more of the scenario. Then again, you might have done that in the first half of this chapter and I've just forgotten.
| You wrote: | | A sound: a footstep: I looked back, and saw an old man stagger out of the bar. |
Hmm, I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean, but either way that's not correct. Though, being myself and all, I would promptly suggest using em-dashes. 
| You wrote: | | I backed away; the old man walked forward. He started clawing his way towards me, mumbling something incoherent, and I turned, started running— |
A conflict of details here. He can't really claw along if he is walking, but he can claw along if he is crawling. The combination of saying walking and then crawling just doesn't seem so clear.
| You wrote: | | In it were two people, also split, much like a banana for an ice cream sundae. Red coated them like chocolate syrup. I then became aware of two things: first, that it was a grossly inappropriate metaphor, and second, that I had stopped... |
The descriptions were disgusting, Sev, quite disgusting. Well done.
Man, the rest of the story was quite perplexing yet deep. A very distinct style in there, though sometimes I had to slow down in reading to fully understand your intent. A good amount of the details were confusing, though even your own character admitted they were unknowns, so I'll play along. Looking forward to Chapter Six.
-Russ |
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry that I'm late. I read this earlier in the month but I did not have the time to review it. So, I read it again. And now, even as I write this, my baby is starting to wake up. I think he has something against fanfiction. I'll have to get back to you later.
Okay, I'll try to continue 
You have a style of writing that I love. As I've said before, you don't feel the need to explain everything completely, but leave things for the reader to fill in on their own. It is impossible to guess where you are going from one paragraph to the other. Just when it seems that it has become straight forward action, you've got your protagonist seeing things through the eyes of a little girl. No, I did not see that one coming.
I loved this part, especially the ending:
| Quote: | | I'm sorry if I cannot tell you much of the afterlife, Ben. I'm sure you'd love to know— anyone would— but the problem isn't my reluctance, it's my ignorance. I don't know enough about it. I don't understand much of what I saw. And most of all, in that sleep— or was it truly sleep?— much was lost, and I do not remember all that happened. I remember black, and I remember white, but that is all. |
And this:
| Quote: | | I turned a corner— I heard a thud behind me, like a very thick, goopy water balloon— then came across a 'hog, split cleanly in two. In it were two people, also split, much like a banana for an ice cream sundae. Red coated them like chocolate syrup. I then became aware of two things: first, that it was a grossly inappropriate metaphor, and second, that I had stopped... |
Nice. You had a few others that also stuck out that I didn't mention. Far too little sticks out in fanfics. Most authors are so interested in getting from point 'A' to point 'B' that they forget to provide any memorable scenery--and that's a crime because, in fiction at least, it's all about how you get there.
I saw a few small errors, but the only thing worth mentioning is the opening chase and killing of the narrator. I felt that it was a bit rushed. It represents a pivotal point in your series and I felt that you could have done more with it. But that's my only real gripe.
Nice job. I'm really enjoying this series. Thanks for not letting it die.
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5
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| Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2006 4:07 am Post subject: |
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| All I can say is: when's the next installment coming out? |
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
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| Posted: Tue Jan 03, 2006 9:00 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, everyone, again.
I have about three thousand words for Part Six so far; it'll be done, I think, by the end of the week. Then Part Seven, then the Epilogue, which'll be called 'Jojola's Last Stand.' |
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