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The Siege of Beta Centauri XVI (Prologue)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 2:51 pm    Post subject: The Siege of Beta Centauri XVI (Prologue) Reply with quote

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The Siege of Beta Centauri XVI (Prologue)
Posted by Insomnia (sjp0131@hotmail.com)
26 September 2004, 8:27 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=insomnia.0926042027111.html
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 8:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some Grammatical errors. Just have a team of friends read it over before it goes up.

Aside from that...

THIS WILL BE FUN!

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Syotica
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 9:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks man. This series will have 3 Parts, with a total of 12, 3,000 word long chapters. (This is only a Prologue) I will submit Chapter I tonight. Wink
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Pajari
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Joined: 28 Sep 2004
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Location: Luna

PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 10:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Spelng nd grmatticcal erors abnoud.

Otherwise a fine story. Should be some cool combat in the jungles, no?
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 10:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good writing, but errors dotted the paragraphs. You need to proof-read or get someone to do it for you before you post it.

I'm going to keep an eye on this. Keep up the good work.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2004 11:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think you need to work on how you make your Covies sound. Elites are kinda power hungry, rough warriors that have a similar attitude to an ODST, except more alien; make sure we can see that in the writing. Prophets act like big, macho, "I rule you drule" kinda folks; or, like "big floating space popes."
For instance, Covies wouldn't use the term "UNSC" when dealing with human forces.

As for the writing itself, you have a few things to work on. Add more detail to give us a better picture of your settings an such. Don't just tell us where we are and why; show us where we are and explain why.
Also, I would suggest typing out your numbers (ie- one-hundred-eighty-two, instead of 182), it just makes things look better.

As for your little author's note, well, I think that symbol is more a part of their armor than anything, but okay. Maybe that is what you ment.

Overall, it was okay, but you need to work on how you make things sound and what terms you use. Keep an eye out for grammar and spelling errors, and keep practicing.
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 02, 2004 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good. I'll give an A-. It looks like it's going to have an interesting storyline, but you have some gramatical errors. And you spelled "imbecile" wrong. Guess we know what that means (Naw, just kidding... maybe.).

Just remember to spell check and do the opposite of what I did in "The Man-Kzin-Covie Wars" and you'll be fine. Wink
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sat Oct 02, 2004 11:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Uhh... That's the FRENCH way of spelling.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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