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Temperance and Fury

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 5:50 pm    Post subject: Temperance and Fury Reply with quote

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Temperance and Fury
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
28 November 2005, 4:00 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle1128050400251.html
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"that is to say they began only when the Holy Ring was destroyed. It is unusual, yes, though I feel it only adds weight to their importance and authenticity of truth."


A comma would have been nice after that is to say; as it is now, it reads rushed, and it seems like Salon is just rushing through, speaking as fast as he can. Maybe you did intend it to be that way, but I thought he-- or this Sangheilli, as we should say-- was pretty regal in speech and manner.

Quote:
though I feel it only adds weight to their importance and authenticity of truth


Does authenticity of truth need to be there? Or you could've just put authenticity.

Quote:
My dreams begin in always the same way.


I believe that it would have been better as My dreams always begin the same way. Or They are always the same;.

Just things like that: some awkward phrasing here and there. It didn't detract from the story much, which I liked very much. It sucks that you haven't gotten any comments until now; hope you better luck next time.

It was very well done. Great story.
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 6:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Authenticity of truth... oh dear, quite right. Don't know what I was thinking Question

Anywho, thanks for the comment, I appreciate it.
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Pooman
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Joined: 18 Aug 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Kentucky

PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great story, I enjoyed it alot. 9.7/10
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?

PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 2:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Runs in and dives into chair breathing heavily* Okay guys... I'm here.

Reading now. Be back in a minute.

Caleb
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?

PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 2:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well Arthur,

The only thing that I have a problem with... If you start out reading this to yourself you will see that for most of the beginning, you used a ton of pronouns.

Now there is nothing really wrong with this but it just seemed to diminish the story a bit. I thought that maybe you were trying to give it an heir of mystery as far as who or what the character was, but I still feel that maybe a little more description could have been used. Or maybe just a change of "scenery."

Otherwise really good.

Caleb
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