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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
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 Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:07 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | "that is to say they began only when the Holy Ring was destroyed. It is unusual, yes, though I feel it only adds weight to their importance and authenticity of truth."
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A comma would have been nice after that is to say; as it is now, it reads rushed, and it seems like Salon is just rushing through, speaking as fast as he can. Maybe you did intend it to be that way, but I thought he-- or this Sangheilli, as we should say-- was pretty regal in speech and manner.
| Quote: | | though I feel it only adds weight to their importance and authenticity of truth |
Does authenticity of truth need to be there? Or you could've just put authenticity.
| Quote: | | My dreams begin in always the same way. |
I believe that it would have been better as My dreams always begin the same way. Or They are always the same;.
Just things like that: some awkward phrasing here and there. It didn't detract from the story much, which I liked very much. It sucks that you haven't gotten any comments until now; hope you better luck next time.
It was very well done. Great story. |
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 6:10 pm Post subject: |
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Authenticity of truth... oh dear, quite right. Don't know what I was thinking 
Anywho, thanks for the comment, I appreciate it. |
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Pooman
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Joined: 18 Aug 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Kentucky
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| Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 10:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Great story, I enjoyed it alot. 9.7/10 |
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?
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| Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 2:12 pm Post subject: |
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*Runs in and dives into chair breathing heavily* Okay guys... I'm here.
Reading now. Be back in a minute.
Caleb |
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?
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| Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 2:22 pm Post subject: |
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Well Arthur,
The only thing that I have a problem with... If you start out reading this to yourself you will see that for most of the beginning, you used a ton of pronouns.
Now there is nothing really wrong with this but it just seemed to diminish the story a bit. I thought that maybe you were trying to give it an heir of mystery as far as who or what the character was, but I still feel that maybe a little more description could have been used. Or maybe just a change of "scenery."
Otherwise really good.
Caleb |
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