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When the Crap Hits the Fan [Part 1]

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 5:50 pm    Post subject: When the Crap Hits the Fan [Part 1] Reply with quote

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When the Crap Hits the Fan [Part 1]
Posted by Justin Pruitt (corokidmax@alltel.net)
27 November 2005, 5:29 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Justin_Pruit1127051729171.html
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 12:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have a friend named Justin. Made me think of him when I saw your name. Actually, I haven't seen him in a couple weeks. I might give him a call now. Thanks for reminding me.


Anyway. Onto your story and not my personal business.


The title was the first thing I noticed. For one, you don't have to bleep out, in any way, words in your title. Especially if it is just crap. Now, I would not suggest including full-blown profanity in your title (just don't do it if you can help it).

Secondly, about the title, I would highly suggest capping all the first letters of the words within it. Makes it look a whole lot more professional. I saw that you were close. You don't have to cap stuff like "the", "of", "a", etc. But everything else, yes.


Awesome. You're already off to a great start by paragraphing well. However, you still had the infamous Text Wall of Doom, which refers to when you have a wall of text along the left-hand side of the page. This not only does not look all that great, but it makes the story harder to read, as well.

There are two ways to break up your paragraphs.

The first is the most simple, and involves simply putting a space between your paragraphs. You can do this or you can not, your choice. But, regardless, I would highly suggest that, whether or not your choose to include spacing between paragraph, you use the second method...

The second way is to add in coding*. Specifically indents.


*You see, even if you write up your work in a word processor, the effects, such as indents and italics and bold, will not transfer over when you copy the text to the submission page. So, to add in those effects, you must use the Code. To find out more about how to use coding, just click on the link in my signature. All the information you need is right there.

And just as a note, I saw that you used triple-asterisks for a break. The Code has a way to do that, too. It's called a horizontal rule. Look that up.


An interesting beginning, but you jumped from the perspective of one character straight into another. That is not a good thing to do. Instead, you want to stick with one perspective as long as you can, through a whole section. It maintains consistency. And that is very important to uphold.


I would suggest including more material in your writing. Details... descriptions... explenations... more mass, more substance, more... "Meat and Potatoes." Include more to let the reader in on all that is going on. And not just extra bits. Expand on what you already have. Make it more in-depth. More can often be better.


Overall, this was pretty decent. A good start, and a pretty good plot. Just listen to the advice you get and make an effort to improve by it. And if you ever need any help, just ask. There's plenty of us willing to provide that assist. Good luck, and keep it up.
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Ethan
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 11:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dear Justin,
I thought the story was sheer entertainment from the start. It kept me enthralled in everything that was going on, I really loved your story. Do you have any more chapters for the series? If you don't then you should make more because I liked it a lot, I would love to know more about what happens. I have some stuff on this website to if you want to check them out. (Sorry, I think that comment was against regulations. SHIT!!)

-Ethan

THE STORY KICKED &&%#!!!!!!! LOVED IT 9.5 OR A 10. THE ENTERTAIMENT WAS ALL IT NEEDED.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 12:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, there is no "regulation" for advertisements as such.

But, that was on the verge of what's unaccepted. Just don't do it too much and you'll be okay. The occasional shout out isn't that bad.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 1:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll let this slide since it had to do with the story. But in the future, if you want to share a website with an individual, do so via Private Message. If you want to to be shown off for all here to see, submit it to Dave Luck for processing.

Thanks.
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Justin of Brigadesoft
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 3:29 am    Post subject: Okay Reply with quote

Thank's for your comments, everyone. And thank you, MC's Cousin. I didn't know that thing about the formatting code, and will be sure to implement it in future entries. Smile It was properly formatted in my word processor.

Also, I didn't sensor the title like that. I had originally named the series "When the Sh*t Hit's the Fan" (no sensor actual), but decided to change it to Crap for content's sake. It was sensored when it was put up. Smile
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 3:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dirty commies running this site always censoring our curse words...

I propose a mutinous insurrection!
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 7:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah. Actually, I do believe that there is a censor system in place for certain words. So, that could be the reason. Therefore, in the future, you might come up with titles that won't get censored. I don't have a problem with the language, but the system does.
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