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hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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Pajari
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Joined: 28 Sep 2004
Posts: 100
Location: Luna
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 Posted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 9:52 pm Post subject: |
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Eh- it could have been better. Take some time on your sentences, read them out loud and revise them until they are crystal-clear. Also, some jucier detail wouldn't hurt!
Overall, it wasn't a bad story, but there's work to be done. |
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SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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| Posted: Thu Sep 30, 2004 2:09 am Post subject: |
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Oooh... Someone used the Canadian Spelling! My favourite way of mixing things up and making bad jokes.
Grammar is a big issue, unfortunately. Have a friend read it over out loud to you, you'll catch those errors like a baseball.
- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.
"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations. |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2004 12:00 am Post subject: |
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My main complaint hasn't changed. Things are starting to get repedetive and drawing on. There just isn't much new material to hold my interest. Now, sometimes people keep a series going with combat in it, and it will be decent to find out the ending, but this is just going on with seemingly no purpose. I'm just saying that you need a surprise in there soon. Otherwise you may loose readers. You added a little something, but, I'll have to see...
Overall, just watch your grammar and such. And, I agree, that you need to add some more details in there; show us what you are showing your characters, we want to know what the environment is like, to a degree. Anyway, I'll stay with you, just keep working and try to add some more goodness in there.
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-MCC |
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.
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| Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2004 7:08 am Post subject: |
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Read the next part MC Cousin its got combat, not full on vs alien combat but combat none the less...
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We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.
Will you keep my secrets hope to die? |
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