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Long Time Gone Part 19

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 2:50 pm    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 19 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 19
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
26 September 2004, 1:17 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.09260413172119.html
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Pajari
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Joined: 28 Sep 2004
Posts: 100
Location: Luna

PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Eh- it could have been better. Take some time on your sentences, read them out loud and revise them until they are crystal-clear. Also, some jucier detail wouldn't hurt!

Overall, it wasn't a bad story, but there's work to be done.
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2004 2:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oooh... Someone used the Canadian Spelling! My favourite way of mixing things up and making bad jokes.

Grammar is a big issue, unfortunately. Have a friend read it over out loud to you, you'll catch those errors like a baseball.

- Dave.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Fri Oct 01, 2004 12:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My main complaint hasn't changed. Things are starting to get repedetive and drawing on. There just isn't much new material to hold my interest. Now, sometimes people keep a series going with combat in it, and it will be decent to find out the ending, but this is just going on with seemingly no purpose. I'm just saying that you need a surprise in there soon. Otherwise you may loose readers. You added a little something, but, I'll have to see...

Overall, just watch your grammar and such. And, I agree, that you need to add some more details in there; show us what you are showing your characters, we want to know what the environment is like, to a degree. Anyway, I'll stay with you, just keep working and try to add some more goodness in there.
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Fri Oct 01, 2004 7:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Read the next part MC Cousin its got combat, not full on vs alien combat but combat none the less...
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