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Damned

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 6:21 pm    Post subject: Damned Reply with quote

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Damned
Posted by Cottrelli (cottrelli@gmail.com)
20 November 2005, 10:43 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Cottrelli1120052243451.html
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice. You had some very smooth rhyming in there, while at the same time not straying away from the topic in order to make it rhyme. Kinda short, but I'll definitely look for more poems by you.
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 9:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good. I liked the rhyming scheme.

Your poetry is very enjoyable.

Good job,

Caleb

PS- Sorry that my post is so skeletal but this just didn't leave me too much to comment on.
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Mister Gray
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Joined: 23 Nov 2005
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey,
I'm new to this fanfic stuff but reading yours, I feel that I've found a good place to start. Your poem, in my opinion, was excelent.

-Gray
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 26, 2005 1:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this one. Nice rhyming scheme, understandable words. Just remember to capitalize at the beginning of each line.

Referringto Mister Gray, maybe we should put up a page where the best Fan Fics are immortalised, so that newcomers can read them and be enlightened. Whaddya think?
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 5:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I manage to do that without the page. If a new author seems to be in need of examples, I just say go look at some work by so-and-so. Not an entirely bad idea (and actually one that has been and still may be under consideration) but one that is not currently available. So, word of mouth is your best tool at present to forward those wonderful works that we are all so proud of.


Anyway. Onto the poem.

There were some flow issues in there. Such as the following:
Quote:
Damned you're, my son
and damned you shall be

I'm assuming that "you're" was used instead of "you are". However, in that particular contect, that conjunction doesn't work very well. Doesn't read very nicely.

In a flowing sentense (or in dialogue, actually) "you're" works quite well to help things along. But followed by a piece of punctuation that pauses the pace, it ends up failing quite horribly in that place you so set it. Picture Yoda saying "Doomed, you're." That doesn't mean he's saying that conjuction as two words, it means he's saying it like it looks. However, used in good context (such as "You're doomed, man.") it works quite well and does not hinder flow or pace.

Be careful how you use those words. Especially in a poem, it matters a whole lot.


But, even if there were some small issues in the pacing area, the meaning behind the poem was very nice. I liked it. Some good inspiration and some decent thought went into this, I think. This, unlike some, was not a hollow poem; which made it more pleasant to read.


Overall, very nice. You seem to have a thing for poems. Just work on the details (ie: flow and pacing, etc.) and you'll produce some excellent work, I'm sure. Keep it up, Cottrelli.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 6:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All you'd have to do is create a locked thread with links to the authors/stories you want to use as examples and show new writers to it.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 6:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll think about it, Main. I really will.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 1:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

We can recommend Caleb's Eternal Conflict immediately. Universally acclaimed as a way cool series. Even though only one chapter's been released.
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