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Black on Black: Part 2

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 6:21 pm    Post subject: Black on Black: Part 2 Reply with quote

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Black on Black: Part 2
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
20 November 2005, 5:27 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle1120050527501.html
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 4:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

very, very good.

As Dave would say.

HELL YEA.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 12:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good. perhaps better than the first one. You really fleshed Shirley and even Jack out very well. But I noticed some really nasty contradictions.

Shirley, in your own words, is something like this:

Quote:
If Shirley still had it in her to like anyone, it was Jack Wilson. To escape her feelings she simply retreated within herself, protecting herself in an emotionless shell sealed imperviously to the outside world. All she did was through hands connected only physically to her mind; she lived her whole life through someone else's eyes, her consciousness and her actions seemingly disconnected.


So she's kind fo emotionless and detached and withdrawn and all. Yet here she is, whining, showing emotions again:

Quote:
She hated these jobs. They were distasteful, cold, inhuman. They always left her with a bad taste in her mouth. This was not what I signed up for, she thought miserably.


And here:

Quote:
Feeling thoroughly less pleased with herself as she always did just after a kill,


And remember, in the morning she was wondering
Quote:
On what do I sustain myself? Am I still even human?


And yet she was saying,

Quote:
This was not what I signed up for


YOu get it? She seems to be varying between this really emotionless person who doesn't know why she's living and this person who hates her job and wishes for something better. Plus, in Part 1, she was quite emotionally shaken by the Colonel (?) dude.

Just some important points for you to note. I await the next installment.
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Wellington
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 9:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

She is more or less emotionless, an empty shell now, though she is still conscious enough to know that she is disgusted with herself. She doesn't wish for anything better, though. As she said, it just is the way it is and no longer matters.

I was trying to convey emptiness and retain some inner turmoil, however supressed, to keep the narrative interesting. You think its too much, though, eh?

Thanks for the comment, though, I always appreciate feedback and you certainly make a good point.

- Arthur
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russ687
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 4:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, there are no excuses for being late. With that being said, let me offer my comments for this month old story.

You wrote:
On some level she realized this should scare her, but she could not feel it.


Personally, ending the sentence with 'it' doesn't quite make the entire thought/description as moving. The problem with using that word to describe things is that it can be quite ambiguous, and although the general idea that you wish to convey is there, the force behind it is suddenly subdued. Here, ending the sentence with,
Quote:
...but she could not feel that fear.

is more impact. Simple and not much longer, but see how it specifies to the reader the true subject at hand? I know, I know, I may be getting too detailed, but this, and related aspects, are crucial.

You wrote:
"A heroic victory on Ceres III was unfortunately marred by the planet's ultimate glassing," a reporter read monotonously,


Because I'm gathering that her alarm was turned to the radio/news rather than that horrible beeping that we've all come to hate, put some ellipsis at the beginning so we have a better feel of how this report is being understood by the character (i.e. how this news is starting midsentence or something).

Nice character development in there. It's sort of depressing to see your main character nothing more than an emotionless (or quasi-emotionless) person. While you did have scenery descriptions in there, those very details about the character supersede the setting and paint a seemingly omnipresent gray over a supposedly dull world, as if the normal functions we do each day are forever lost to her. Good job.

You wrote:
She did not look at him, merely stared ahead, but she did award him with a small smile.


Flow, as you know, is very important. In some places there seemed to be too many commas, but the manner in which the sentence was constructed allowed such usage to be acceptable. Here, though, you didn't construct the sentence to merit the use of that first comma, so it sticks out. For instance, the easiest fix for this would be using 'and' instead of that comma.

You wrote:
"It's raining out, you know. Only ten degrees last time I heard."


Fahrenheit or Celsius? There wouldn't be rain with the former, but seeing as how Canada is where you reside (my natural country as well), I think the latter was your meaning.

Nice scenery details. I could picture her walking down the avenue quite clearly, with the rain covering everything around and limiting the distance of sight. One thing I would point out that would help the reader conceptualize the scene better is adding whether it was dark or not at the beginning, not end. Also, the part with her approaching the man amongst all those pedestrians was written quite well.

I see we have another author ready for the cringing scenes of violence. Wink The stabbing of the thigh and subsequent twisting of the knife made me wince, something I don't really do all that much when reading.

Overall, very good work here. A couple mistakes in there, but that's pretty normal for all of us. I like the story progression, but I will point out that a lot of the plot is still unknown, meaning that while we did just get a glimpse of her killing a guilty illicit arms dealer, we don't know why that's important. So, just keep in mind that you need to justify all this at a later date (also because I'm dying to know what the hells going on Very Happy ).

Get chapter three up.

-Russ
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Wellington
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 8:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the comments, russ.

Quote:
Fahrenheit or Celsius? There wouldn't be rain with the former, but seeing as how Canada is where you reside (my natural country as well), I think the latter was your meaning.


Celsius, though that stems not only from my personal canuck bias but from the books as well. Nylund always speaks in terms of kilometers which leads me to believe the metric system has finally become universal in 500 years. Smile

Anyway, I wrote this over a month ago as the Silly Season was just beginning, and so got rather distracted. I have been on a bit of a hiatus ever since, and have so lost touch with this particular series. I'm done with it, at least for now, and won't be making another go of it in the foreseeable future.

I am, however, starting a new series that will be out next week. It has more potential than this one, I think.

Anyway, thanks again. I'm looking forward to the end of Contravene Birth. Is that out next week?

- Arthur
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russ687
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2005 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wellington wrote:
I am, however, starting a new series that will be out next week. It has more potential than this one, I think.


Hmm. Here's a sticky subject, by my terms, at least. When I was younger, before even coming to HBO or writing for anyone else to see (sort of a personal hobby, I guess), I would get constantly inspired by new ideas for new stories. Consequently, I would get 5 - 10 pages into a story before simply finding something else more "interesting" to write, and I ended up with a dozen started stories with no real development or depth to them.

I would strongly advise against following your newest interest (sorry if that sounds demeaning), and to stick with what you already have going. I can fully understand the want to simply scrap what you have and move onto something more entertaining (and I will note, that "entertaining" is purely something for you, and does not reflect what others think of the story), and I have found myself even recently in such a dilemma. For instance, during Act of Conspiracy, I got so burnt out that I actually wrote two-thirds of new series, taking the time to PR and everything. Thankfully enough, however, I remembered the disappointment of leaving a good series unfinished, and kept going.

In short, if you are going to scrap this series (or for the time being), make sure that your new endeavor will hold its own so you don't find yourself in the same situation in 4 weeks or so. For starters, you will let your readers down and they may come to expect stuff like that from you, and secondly (and more importantly) you are only inhibiting your own ability by neglecting face what you've already started.

Once again, I've been there, so this isn't me comdemning you or anything, but rather some advice that will pay off in the future... or your money back. Smile

Wellington wrote:
Anyway, thanks again. I'm looking forward to the end of Contravene Birth. Is that out next week?


It will be in the next update.

-Russ
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2006 4:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I always get assailed by new ideas as well. That's why NONE of my series are finished. Which is why I like Short Stories better: I can hold my attention when writing, since it's a one-off, and I guess it's better for the reader too. Me, I only check Fan Fic now and again, so I pick out the short stories to read, since I don't have to read everything before it as well. Though right now I have a bit of writer's block.

This is only a month ago. I strongly advise you to continue it, since it's cool, but if you are then you should do it now. Leaving it for more than two months and you won't be able to get on track and keep it going. From my opinion at least. I tried writing the last chapter of Riverside Party and perhaps a few more of Doing the Grunt-work and it all went up in smoke. Everything felt cheesy and overused and useless.

Then again, if you're resolved on the new series, I'm looking forward to it! What's it called?
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Wellington
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2006 3:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
In short, if you are going to scrap this series (or for the time being), make sure that your new endeavor will hold its own so you don't find yourself in the same situation in 4 weeks or so. For starters, you will let your readers down and they may come to expect stuff like that from you, and secondly (and more importantly) you are only inhibiting your own ability by neglecting face what you've already started.


The problem is, since I got distracted, I no longer am sure where I was going with Black on Black and subsuently feel any attempts to continue it would be half hearted at best. Now that the Christmas season is over and I'm heading into an easier semester (minus exams at the end of this month) I will be writing far more consistently and will stick this new series through to the end. You can quote me on that Smile

Quote:
Then again, if you're resolved on the new series, I'm looking forward to it! What's it called?


I haven't decided on a title yet, but it takes place entirely pre-Covenant and details the efforts of an underground organization to overthrow a dictorial government. I'm looking forward to getting it started.

Anyway, let's just say Shirley lives happily ever after, to all who may wonder Wink
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 3:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! Go Shirley! Very Happy
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