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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada
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 Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 11:06 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this, nicely done, Dagorath. Sorry for the late reply, I've been pretty busy.
I thought this provided an interesting perspective on the Human-Covenant War, one that hasn't been thoroughly explored before. I thought it was especially cool when you set up the battle scene at first then revealed it to be a movie that was to be manipulated into a propaganda film. Dark, cynical, oh so ONIsh... good work!
I wasn't too sure about the contention between Matthew and Jane, however. Given the shortness of the story and that it doesn't seem to be a series, I thought it merely distracted from the intriguing idea you had without adding much to the experience.
Overall, good work. I like ONI stories 
- Arthur |
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama
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| Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 11:12 pm Post subject: |
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Definitely changed and improved over time. Good job Dagorath.
Hopefully the next one is a bit longer. |
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 10:04 am Post subject: |
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This was pretty good. You did a nice, concise job of explaining what ONI Section Two was, as well as infusing a bit of tension. You have given yourself a lot to work with.
In the first part of the story, your sentences felt a bit short and that hurt pace. Even the ones that were long enough were structured in a halting manner (if that makes any sense  ). Your first paragraph, for example, was very descriptive, but it lacked flow within and between sentences. Take a look at this:
| Quote: | | On a battlefield of grass, bloodshed reigned. On one side was arrayed an enormous Covenant force, including Elites, Grunts and Jackals. Their slurry of plasma was directed at a company of Marines ten metres opposite them, who returned fire. |
Good info, awkward structure. Sentences two and three should have been either combined or re-written. Here is one possible rewrite of those two sentences: | Quote: | | Arrayed on one side like an army of colorful demons, Elites, Grunts and Jackals hurled glowing plasma at the company of Marines; now only ten meters in front of their lines. Slowly advancing into the barrage, the UNSC force fought back with desperate fury; pouring rockets, grenades and bullets into the Covenant ranks like a deadly, horizontal rain. |
More description, more flow, better transitions. Now, you don't have to write it like I did--we all have our own style. What is important is that it flows well and paints a vivid picture.
Your portrayal of the tension between the ONI workers was adequate, but I felt that it could have been tweaked for a much greater effect. For instance, you just kind of leave the conflict up in the air when your protagonist gets a phone call, and the reader is not really sure how or why the argument (which had just become extremely heated and personal) came to an end. It worked it's way up to this: | Quote: | | “What did you call me?” Matthew hissed, breaking the silence. He took a step towards Jane, who stared back into his eyes resolutely. |
Then, after a little bit you say this: | Quote: | | Matthew had unclenched his fists and Jane was looking at him with an odd expression on her face. |
And then finally, you leave us with this: | Quote: | | Both Jane and Matthew were now sitting down. Matthew looked rather uncomfortable and was self-consciously rubbing his tattoo. Jane was fiddling with a button on her blouse. |
This does not seem to make much sense, neither does it communicate much to the reader. It would help to answer (or even give some hints regarding) some of the questions that a reader might ask. Why did Matt unclench his fist? Why did Jane's expression go from resolute to odd? Did Matt want to hit her? If so, why did he hold back? When you go from hot anger to an unexplained calming down, and then finally to an end to the argument without providing plausible reasons for those transitions (or even mysterious reasons) it just does not seem to make sense--and that takes the reader out of the story.
Still, this was a good chapter. I only point those things out in hopes that next time you will have a great chapter  I'll be looking for the next one.
C.T. Clown |
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5
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| Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2005 8:15 am Post subject: |
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Wo. I get no comments for like a fortnight and then this deluge of comments come.
Let me make this clear, in case you didn't figure this out. This story was not necessarily supposed to be a combat-ish story. It wasn't really supposed to create tension. Matthew and Jane weren't gonna do Wing Chun or karate or something in the office. It was more like just a snapshot of life on the home front, sort of. The intervention of the baby was firstly to make all the characters more believable and secondly to make Matthew and Jane kind of ashamed that they were fighting, cos they're supposed to be working together and all to save babies like Ross's.
As to the first few paragraphs, my reviewers had said that it was a bit problematic too. I tried to improve it, but it seems as though I failed. Your one was definitely better, Chuckles.
As to why Matthew and Jane didn't like each other, I guess it's just like life: sometimes, when you meet someone, you just want to punch them in the face. |
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sdn
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 121
Location: afk
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| Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 8:01 pm Post subject: |
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ONI Section Two: A Short Story
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We could have figured out it's a short story by ourselves... |
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5
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| Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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That was a burn. But, of course, I like putting that on because I personally prefer short stories to series. Unless they're really good, even good series tend to drag on a while. Though you got a point, sdn.
Did you read the short story? Because that wasn't the most constructive of all comments. |
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