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The Mind and the Master Part 4-The Monitor

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 6:20 pm    Post subject: The Mind and the Master Part 4-The Monitor Reply with quote

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The Mind and the Master Part 4-The Monitor
Posted by Cthulhu117 (spartan_eric_271@yahoo.com)
18 November 2005, 10:03 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Cthulhu1171118052203161.html
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p0iz3n0us
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Joined: 11 Nov 2005
Posts: 22

PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 7:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good story. Keep on with the good work. Check out my fan ficition : The Chronicles of Sergeant Johnson
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5

PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 8:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Umm. Not as good as last time. For instance, GS is an AI and so unable to disobey protocol. Or maybe he can. Also, mad people don't think they're mad, so he wouldn't be angry at the Forerunners for making him mad. Thirdly, when you returned the narrative to the Master, he doesn't know GS's name so you can never identify him as "Guilty Spark" in the Part 6 (?) because GS never told the Master.

Otherwise, good job. I liked the fact that the Master's Class 12 (?) combat skin went through all the floors. And the GS/Gollum comparison was quite effective.

Try putting a [hr] before each new section so it's slightly more separated.
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 3:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, this one sucked pretty much. 343GS knows he's crazy because of the other half of him, which realizes this. Still, your points are good and this wasn't much of a chapter. Next one will be better though.
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