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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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 Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 5:10 pm Post subject: |
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After years and years of waiting, you've finally posted the next part in your series. 
| You wrote: | | But that was classified still, so he was 'taken under custody.' |
I could be missing an underlying part, but maybe you meant 'taken into custody?'
Man, this happened every time before in this series. I keep mistaking it for 'Atropos.'
| You wrote: | | I was starting to become bleary-- my vision was slowly becoming ragged, and there was the spinning, shithead feeling of euphoria. |
Good descriptions. Though somehow those two En-dashes didn't become an Em-dash, like all the ones before it.
Sev, great job with the bar scene. Everything was perfect dialogue wise, and although it seemed like they were fifteen and having their first beer, it was almost as if I was drunk there, sitting in between and laughing uncharacteristically at the slightest giggle from another. If I ever need a scene of drunkards, I'm asking you. 
Overall, good job. D&D were right on cue, and there were only a couple GPS mistakes. I would suggest that he's probably still drunk when he woke up, and not merely in the hangover stage just yet, but that's something I'd just keep aside. Good ending, and now I'm waiting for, eh, part two of chapter five? Whatever it is, post it soon.
-Russ |
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
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| Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 6:03 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah! Thanks, Russ.
| Quote: | I could be missing an underlying part, but maybe you meant 'taken into custody?'
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Oops.
| Quote: | Man, this happened every time before in this series. I keep mistaking it for 'Atropos.'
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Actually, when I first put Apotrops into the story, I meant it to be Atropos, only I misspelled it. And you know, once its set down on paper, I thought, its just as well as any...
| Quote: | Good descriptions. Though somehow those two En-dashes didn't become an Em-dash, like all the ones before it.
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Oh, man. And here I was, thinking that I broke through my habit...
| Quote: | Sev, great job with the bar scene. Everything was perfect dialogue wise, and although it seemed like they were fifteen and having their first beer, it was almost as if I was drunk there, sitting in between and laughing uncharacteristically at the slightest giggle from another. If I ever need a scene of drunkards, I'm asking you.
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Actually, based on personal experience, I can tell you that they were sixteen, and yes, they were having fun drinking, and we were having fun, and I was drunk off my ass.
| Quote: | Overall, good job. D&D were right on cue, and there were only a couple GPS mistakes. I would suggest that he's probably still drunk when he woke up, and not merely in the hangover stage just yet, but that's something I'd just keep aside. Good ending, and now I'm waiting for, eh, part two of chapter five? Whatever it is, post it soon.
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The second half will be posted next week. And thanks, Russ. |
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?
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| Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 8:23 pm Post subject: |
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Ahhhh! I am going away for the weekend and can't have time to read this. *Kicks self in the face, knocking self out*
I am reading this the second I get home.
Caleb |
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CoLd BlooDed
Moderator
Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 1:01 am Post subject: |
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You already know what I think of this. 
So I'll just say, great job! |
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!
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| Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 8:55 pm Post subject: |
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Quality.
I was so into it. |
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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Niiiiiice. Sev, you've got style. Your stuff is like a rock band playing a live gig: it isn't perfect or polished, and it sounds all the better because of it. This is the best example of first-person I have seen on here, and quite honestly, I don't think that this would have worked any other way. I have really enjoyed this series, and I am glad to see you pick it back up.
You have a raw, untamed style that is nonetheless consistent throughout your writing. No formulas, no normalcy and no cliches--you just hold onto the beast and let it go where it goes. Thus, there is a feel of reality permeating your work that most fanfic writers fail to achieve. I know I don't usually dish it out like this, but I love dark thrillers and, unfortunately, they are a rare bird in Halo fanfiction.
This was not without errors, but it came together so well as a whole that they are not worth mentioning. You are one of the few fanfic authors who is able to hold my attention from start to finish. Well done.
C.T. Clown |
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SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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| Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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The intro really painted an interesting picture in my head; Metropolis. You ever seen that? Where the city above lives in a state of indulgent excess, kept aloft by the constant toil of the people down below? It's an old fuzzy black-and-white movie, and it's silent, but it's pretty well done.
Redneck miner brats; that's gotta also have an effect; knife-fights, basically, you're showing me again, the opposite of what happens in a 'glorious' future. Well, maybe not the opposite, but perhaps on the opposite end of the scale; we've got the scenes of the tiny airplanes, the faster-than-light travel, but then again, who's really responsible? The guys at the bottom of the pyramid.
It's really interesting and thought-provoking.
- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.
"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations. |
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Imperorator_Jon
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Joined: 29 Oct 2005
Posts: 97
Location: Moop?
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| Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 2:22 am Post subject: |
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| yes I finally get a chance to meet all of the popular stars...er... Ahem. I think this story was good. Liked the drunk parts. but try and get into detail about the lizard thing. Is it like King Kong or like a limo sized? Also try and work those huge expolsions into the story. Like it being a military attack against it or somethin'. Also try and tell me how in the fudge that giant mob beating him to death would somehow help the people's problems. |
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CoLd BlooDed
Moderator
Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 6:48 am Post subject: |
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So he wouldn't open the door and expose them to whatever the hell was outside. What else?
And explosions? Are you seeking action? Go watch a movie. |
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Chuckles
Member
Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 10:22 am Post subject: |
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Imperorator_Jon wrote:
| Quote: | | . . . but try and get into detail about the lizard thing. Is it like King Kong or like a limo sized? |
I'm not trying to answer for Sev, but let me tell you what I think. I don't know if you have read this entire series (believe me, it is worth the read) but it has been one of chilling suspense--suspense mainly about who or what was butchering so many people. Now if Sev took all this time to build that up and then described the killer(s) completely the moment the first small detail was revealed I would either: (1) wonder who had written this chapter and maliciously signed Sev's good name to it, or (2) send a get well soon card to whatever hospital Severian had been sent to, since only a closed head injury could explain him blowing four and a half chapters worth of suspense on a single moment.
To put it bluntly, if Sev had done what you wanted him to do, it would have let the air out of a good deal of the mystery, tension and intrigue that he has worked so hard to build up. Relax, he is doing it exactly how it should be done--in my opinion at least.
C.T. Clown |
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SeverianofUrth
Member
Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
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| Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 2:31 pm Post subject: |
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Again: Yeah!
| Quote: | Ahhhh! I am going away for the weekend and can't have time to read this. *Kicks self in the face, knocking self out*
I am reading this the second I get home.
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Take your time, friend.
| Quote: | You already know what I think of this.
So I'll just say, great job! |
Thanks, man. And yes, I do know... but how?
| Quote: | Quality.
I was so into it. |
Glad I could capture your attention, dark.
| Quote: | Niiiiiice. Sev, you've got style. Your stuff is like a rock band playing a live gig: it isn't perfect or polished, and it sounds all the better because of it. This is the best example of first-person I have seen on here, and quite honestly, I don't think that this would have worked any other way. I have really enjoyed this series, and I am glad to see you pick it back up.
You have a raw, untamed style that is nonetheless consistent throughout your writing. No formulas, no normalcy and no cliches--you just hold onto the beast and let it go where it goes. Thus, there is a feel of reality permeating your work that most fanfic writers fail to achieve. I know I don't usually dish it out like this, but I love dark thrillers and, unfortunately, they are a rare bird in Halo fanfiction.
This was not without errors, but it came together so well as a whole that they are not worth mentioning. You are one of the few fanfic authors who is able to hold my attention from start to finish. Well done.
C.T. Clown |
Wow. Thank you.
| Quote: | The intro really painted an interesting picture in my head; Metropolis. You ever seen that? Where the city above lives in a state of indulgent excess, kept aloft by the constant toil of the people down below? It's an old fuzzy black-and-white movie, and it's silent, but it's pretty well done.
Redneck miner brats; that's gotta also have an effect; knife-fights, basically, you're showing me again, the opposite of what happens in a 'glorious' future. Well, maybe not the opposite, but perhaps on the opposite end of the scale; we've got the scenes of the tiny airplanes, the faster-than-light travel, but then again, who's really responsible? The guys at the bottom of the pyramid.
It's really interesting and thought-provoking.
- Dave. |
Thanks, Dave. Yeah, its a pretty shitty world out there, no matter who's ruling up above.
| Quote: | | yes I finally get a chance to meet all of the popular stars...er... Ahem. I think this story was good. Liked the drunk parts. but try and get into detail about the lizard thing. Is it like King Kong or like a limo sized? Also try and work those huge expolsions into the story. Like it being a military attack against it or somethin'. Also try and tell me how in the fudge that giant mob beating him to death would somehow help the people's problems |
Thanks for commenting, and I'd just like to say that yeah, as Chuckles pointed out, I'm trying to keep the suspense going. Its kinda cheap to leave it in a cliffhanger like this, but I was convinced it would be better this way.
Plus, I think most people figured it out now. |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 10:39 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | ...and the police was purging the streets of Utica. |
Being inovative with our verb usage? I think you were looking for the word "were" in place of "was."
I liked the ending, myself. Yes, it was a cliffhanger, but I've grown used to those by now, what with you, CoLd and Chuckles writing about. I'm glad to see you posting another chapter, at last. I've been waiting for this. Thankfully, my memory stayed with me for the most part, so I wasn't all too lost during this chapter.
Still, a nice continuation. Invisible reptilian things that smile... Hmm. I'll have to read the next. I'm curious, now.
Well done.
_________________
-MCC |
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