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Seven Days: First Half of Part Five

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:26 pm    Post subject: Seven Days: First Half of Part Five Reply with quote

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Seven Days: First Half of Part Five
Posted by SeverianofUrth
18 November 2005, 2:31 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=SeverianofUr1118051431311.html
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russ687
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 5:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

After years and years of waiting, you've finally posted the next part in your series. Smile

You wrote:
But that was classified still, so he was 'taken under custody.'

I could be missing an underlying part, but maybe you meant 'taken into custody?'

You wrote:
Apotrops

Man, this happened every time before in this series. I keep mistaking it for 'Atropos.'

You wrote:
I was starting to become bleary-- my vision was slowly becoming ragged, and there was the spinning, shithead feeling of euphoria.

Good descriptions. Though somehow those two En-dashes didn't become an Em-dash, like all the ones before it.

Sev, great job with the bar scene. Everything was perfect dialogue wise, and although it seemed like they were fifteen and having their first beer, it was almost as if I was drunk there, sitting in between and laughing uncharacteristically at the slightest giggle from another. If I ever need a scene of drunkards, I'm asking you. Very Happy

Overall, good job. D&D were right on cue, and there were only a couple GPS mistakes. I would suggest that he's probably still drunk when he woke up, and not merely in the hangover stage just yet, but that's something I'd just keep aside. Good ending, and now I'm waiting for, eh, part two of chapter five? Whatever it is, post it soon.

-Russ
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 6:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah! Thanks, Russ.

Quote:
I could be missing an underlying part, but maybe you meant 'taken into custody?'



Oops.

Quote:
Man, this happened every time before in this series. I keep mistaking it for 'Atropos.'



Actually, when I first put Apotrops into the story, I meant it to be Atropos, only I misspelled it. And you know, once its set down on paper, I thought, its just as well as any...

Quote:
Good descriptions. Though somehow those two En-dashes didn't become an Em-dash, like all the ones before it.


Oh, man. And here I was, thinking that I broke through my habit...


Quote:
Sev, great job with the bar scene. Everything was perfect dialogue wise, and although it seemed like they were fifteen and having their first beer, it was almost as if I was drunk there, sitting in between and laughing uncharacteristically at the slightest giggle from another. If I ever need a scene of drunkards, I'm asking you.


Actually, based on personal experience, I can tell you that they were sixteen, and yes, they were having fun drinking, and we were having fun, and I was drunk off my ass.

Quote:
Overall, good job. D&D were right on cue, and there were only a couple GPS mistakes. I would suggest that he's probably still drunk when he woke up, and not merely in the hangover stage just yet, but that's something I'd just keep aside. Good ending, and now I'm waiting for, eh, part two of chapter five? Whatever it is, post it soon.


The second half will be posted next week. And thanks, Russ.
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 8:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahhhh! I am going away for the weekend and can't have time to read this. *Kicks self in the face, knocking self out*

I am reading this the second I get home.

Caleb
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You already know what I think of this. Razz

So I'll just say, great job!
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 8:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quality.

I was so into it.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 1:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Niiiiiice. Sev, you've got style. Your stuff is like a rock band playing a live gig: it isn't perfect or polished, and it sounds all the better because of it. This is the best example of first-person I have seen on here, and quite honestly, I don't think that this would have worked any other way. I have really enjoyed this series, and I am glad to see you pick it back up.

You have a raw, untamed style that is nonetheless consistent throughout your writing. No formulas, no normalcy and no cliches--you just hold onto the beast and let it go where it goes. Thus, there is a feel of reality permeating your work that most fanfic writers fail to achieve. I know I don't usually dish it out like this, but I love dark thrillers and, unfortunately, they are a rare bird in Halo fanfiction.

This was not without errors, but it came together so well as a whole that they are not worth mentioning. You are one of the few fanfic authors who is able to hold my attention from start to finish. Well done.

C.T. Clown
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 3:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The intro really painted an interesting picture in my head; Metropolis. You ever seen that? Where the city above lives in a state of indulgent excess, kept aloft by the constant toil of the people down below? It's an old fuzzy black-and-white movie, and it's silent, but it's pretty well done.

Redneck miner brats; that's gotta also have an effect; knife-fights, basically, you're showing me again, the opposite of what happens in a 'glorious' future. Well, maybe not the opposite, but perhaps on the opposite end of the scale; we've got the scenes of the tiny airplanes, the faster-than-light travel, but then again, who's really responsible? The guys at the bottom of the pyramid.

It's really interesting and thought-provoking.

- Dave.
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 2:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy yes I finally get a chance to meet all of the popular stars...er... Ahem. I think this story was good. Liked the drunk parts. but try and get into detail about the lizard thing. Is it like King Kong or like a limo sized? Also try and work those huge expolsions into the story. Like it being a military attack against it or somethin'. Also try and tell me how in the fudge that giant mob beating him to death would somehow help the people's problems.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 6:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So he wouldn't open the door and expose them to whatever the hell was outside. What else?

And explosions? Are you seeking action? Go watch a movie.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 10:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Imperorator_Jon wrote:
Quote:
. . . but try and get into detail about the lizard thing. Is it like King Kong or like a limo sized?

I'm not trying to answer for Sev, but let me tell you what I think. I don't know if you have read this entire series (believe me, it is worth the read) but it has been one of chilling suspense--suspense mainly about who or what was butchering so many people. Now if Sev took all this time to build that up and then described the killer(s) completely the moment the first small detail was revealed I would either: (1) wonder who had written this chapter and maliciously signed Sev's good name to it, or (2) send a get well soon card to whatever hospital Severian had been sent to, since only a closed head injury could explain him blowing four and a half chapters worth of suspense on a single moment.

To put it bluntly, if Sev had done what you wanted him to do, it would have let the air out of a good deal of the mystery, tension and intrigue that he has worked so hard to build up. Relax, he is doing it exactly how it should be done--in my opinion at least.

C.T. Clown
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 2:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Again: Yeah!

Quote:
Ahhhh! I am going away for the weekend and can't have time to read this. *Kicks self in the face, knocking self out*

I am reading this the second I get home.


Take your time, friend.

Quote:
You already know what I think of this.

So I'll just say, great job!


Thanks, man. And yes, I do know... but how?

Quote:
Quality.

I was so into it.


Glad I could capture your attention, dark.

Quote:
Niiiiiice. Sev, you've got style. Your stuff is like a rock band playing a live gig: it isn't perfect or polished, and it sounds all the better because of it. This is the best example of first-person I have seen on here, and quite honestly, I don't think that this would have worked any other way. I have really enjoyed this series, and I am glad to see you pick it back up.

You have a raw, untamed style that is nonetheless consistent throughout your writing. No formulas, no normalcy and no cliches--you just hold onto the beast and let it go where it goes. Thus, there is a feel of reality permeating your work that most fanfic writers fail to achieve. I know I don't usually dish it out like this, but I love dark thrillers and, unfortunately, they are a rare bird in Halo fanfiction.

This was not without errors, but it came together so well as a whole that they are not worth mentioning. You are one of the few fanfic authors who is able to hold my attention from start to finish. Well done.

C.T. Clown


Wow. Thank you.


Quote:
The intro really painted an interesting picture in my head; Metropolis. You ever seen that? Where the city above lives in a state of indulgent excess, kept aloft by the constant toil of the people down below? It's an old fuzzy black-and-white movie, and it's silent, but it's pretty well done.

Redneck miner brats; that's gotta also have an effect; knife-fights, basically, you're showing me again, the opposite of what happens in a 'glorious' future. Well, maybe not the opposite, but perhaps on the opposite end of the scale; we've got the scenes of the tiny airplanes, the faster-than-light travel, but then again, who's really responsible? The guys at the bottom of the pyramid.

It's really interesting and thought-provoking.

- Dave.


Thanks, Dave. Yeah, its a pretty shitty world out there, no matter who's ruling up above.

Quote:
yes I finally get a chance to meet all of the popular stars...er... Ahem. I think this story was good. Liked the drunk parts. but try and get into detail about the lizard thing. Is it like King Kong or like a limo sized? Also try and work those huge expolsions into the story. Like it being a military attack against it or somethin'. Also try and tell me how in the fudge that giant mob beating him to death would somehow help the people's problems


Thanks for commenting, and I'd just like to say that yeah, as Chuckles pointed out, I'm trying to keep the suspense going. Its kinda cheap to leave it in a cliffhanger like this, but I was convinced it would be better this way.

Plus, I think most people figured it out now.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 10:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
...and the police was purging the streets of Utica.


Being inovative with our verb usage? I think you were looking for the word "were" in place of "was."


I liked the ending, myself. Yes, it was a cliffhanger, but I've grown used to those by now, what with you, CoLd and Chuckles writing about. I'm glad to see you posting another chapter, at last. I've been waiting for this. Thankfully, my memory stayed with me for the most part, so I wasn't all too lost during this chapter.

Still, a nice continuation. Invisible reptilian things that smile... Hmm. I'll have to read the next. I'm curious, now.


Well done.
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