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A Marines Life Chapter 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:25 pm    Post subject: A Marines Life Chapter 1 Reply with quote

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A Marines Life Chapter 1
Posted by Tamir Klien (BaldEagles7@earthlink.net)
17 November 2005, 3:06 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Tamir_Klien1117050306351.html
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TK262
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

dear readers,
i am truly sorry for the none . I need soem help with them. The system is messed up. tahnk u for ur time.
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TK262
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 4:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

darn the thing got messed up. i mean my pm the italcs and bold are messed up. thank u for ur time. i will write a more thural pm later.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 8:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've read this and your prologue (chapter 0) but I will comment for both on this thread.

First, you need to change from first-person to third-person. And when I say "need" I mean it in the strongest possible terms. There is nothing wrong with first-person, but you do not yet have the writing experience to pull it off.

Basics. You need to proofread your chapters carefully before submitting. You had far too many spelling errors for such a short piece. If you do not have a spell-checker on your computer (and you do if you have MS Word or any other halfway up to date word-processor) then have someone else take a look at it as well. You also have to be careful with your words like "too" and "to". They have completely different meanings and I saw more than one place where you used the wrong one.

Another thing I saw a lot of was redundancy. If you use words or names too close to eachother, it will sound redundant, and that takes the reader out of your story. Here is an example:
Quote:
The meeting was full of tension. I was sitting in the boardroom with a few of the Odysseus's officials we where all glaring at the screen and talking to the other ships commanders and officials. I hardly felt the need to stay at the meeting since it didn't really concern anybody. Another thing I hated about this was the room I was in. I always hated this room everything was very dark. From the walls to the chairs to the boardroom table was very dark. I started to rub my temple with right thumb and the two other fingers next to it.

I bolded your redundancies, but you should also take note of the spelling and grammar issues in this paragraph. It might help to read your stuff out loud. Redundancies seems to stick out more when spoken. Getting rid of them will force you to get more creative with your wording, but believe me, that is a bonus.

You had a problem with your flow. One reason for that was that you had too many short sentences and to the reader, that is the literary equivalent of a speedbump. Say more in each sentence and you make your reader stop less. Another reason was that you are trying to write in first-person. As I said, first-person is good if you know how to use it well. You don't, so everything from your details to your dialogue feels awkward. How do you help flow? Proofreading (over and over), reading your stuff out, looking at how the professional writers structure their sentences, etc. What works best for me is reading it over and over, both out loud and silently. When I first write it down everything seems fine. But when I go back through it I am always amazed at the amount of mistakes I find. Take the time to get it right.

Story. Witing about the life of a Marine is a good idea for a fic. Make sure, however, that you don't get so caught up in the minutia of it all (i.e. I started to rub my temple with right thumb and the two other fingers next to it) that you drive the reader away, while ignoring the stuff that will keep the reader interested. For example, don't tell the reader that a meeting is full of tension, show them. Also, give the reader a reason to be interested in your character. Drop some hints about your character's (pick one) shady/secret/criminal/dangerous/heroic/evil plans and or conduct in the past, present or future. Is he more than what he seems? Less? Will he be used as a scapegoat? If you give the reader a reason to be intrigued, you give them a reason to continue reading.

Well, that is enough for now. Let me beg you one last time to abandon first-person. You simply are not ready for it. I am curious to see how much you improve using third-person. Take your time on the next chapter, and maybe cover more ground.

C.T. Clown
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 3:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

TK, first person (I) is pretty restrictive.

What I mean by that is, third person perspective gives you a lotta options that would normally be unavailable or unfeasible in first.

Why? Because in first, you're in-character, and you have limits. Unless you want your character to turn into a bland actor, you've got to adhere to those limits and make sure your character stays within their set parameters. Otherwise, you'll break him or her when this happens.

Another fault is, the preview key. It's there for you to use, and it's your responsiblity to use it.

Another thing is over-practicality. Practical, short, too-the-point sentences can be a real boon when you're writing kid's books, but they become useless and spaced-out when you're faced with an audience that has certain tastes in literary style. If your sentences are too short and too practical, your story inevitably becomes dry.

Keep frosty, and good luck.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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TK262
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 4:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

k then. to DL. Isnt it sort of good if u do to the point sentences becasue i mean its not really neccecary if theres nothing else to say. You dont have to drag something out that you dont have to right? Also i dont know wat the hell is wrong with my spellcheck? Its F-d up! It suppose to check my work but it is but it isnt in a way? Its really confusing me if u coudl help thatw oudl be great! Thanx for your time also....id like it if u guys said wat u actually thought about it. I dont like it all that much when u just talk about wat i did wrong. Id like it if u said wat u liked about it and such. Thanx for your time.

-TK Very Happy
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It is kinda hard to say what one likes when one likes nothing about the story. Keep in mind that not saying anything is a nice way of saying that one didn't like it very much.

At this point in your writing "career," you don't need to look for what people liked. A story is particularly unenjoyable if it is so full of errors that they get in the way.

You also need to be careful about your posts. If your posts look as sloppy as yours do, I.E.:

Quote:
k then. to DL. Isnt it sort of good if u do to the point sentences becasue i mean its not really neccecary if theres nothing else to say. You dont have to drag something out that you dont have to right? Also i dont know wat the hell is wrong with my spellcheck? Its F-d up! It suppose to check my work but it is but it isnt in a way? Its really confusing me if u coudl help thatw oudl be great! Thanx for your time also....id like it if u guys said wat u actually thought about it. I dont like it all that much when u just talk about wat i did wrong. Id like it if u said wat u liked about it and such. Thanx for your time.

-TK Very Happy


So work on that and it will gain you respect and more folks will read your story. I am not going to read this because I can't bring myself to try to help someone who will not try to improve more so than I already have.

Caleb
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 11:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

TK262 wrote:
Isnt it sort of good if u do to the point sentences becasue i mean its not really neccecary if theres nothing else to say. You dont have to drag something out that you dont have to right?


- Wrong!

You're faced with an audience that has an appreciation for language and stylistic prose. Knowing your audience is the first thing you have to do when making art that appeals to a specific audience, and in this case, you are.

It's good if you're writing for kids with no language appreciation. But for us, it leaves you dry and hanging, without much style or substance.

It's not necessarily dragging things out. It's presenting them in a stylistic fashion.

Like I said, would you be satisfied if you're looking for big special effects and explosions in a movie and you're watching some old-fuzzy-black-and-white version of King Kong where you can literally SEE the strings holding the puppet on camera? Hell no! Would you be satisfied if you came to see an orchestra perform Mozart's Requiem at a theatre and got tickets to see this one kid practicing mary-had-a-little-lamb? Hell no!

Well, if you don't know about stylistic prose, it's time for you to crack open a few books. Real books. Heavy books; heavy referring to as in, heavy-duty language. Shakespeare, I cut my teeth on Shakespeare and now I read nothing BUT Shakespeare. Sure, his plots are pretty lousy, and his characters are flat, but symbolically and stylistically, he's everything!

Style can add a fourth dimension to your story. But for now, concentrate on perfect grammar.

And Caleb's right; you have to watch how you present yourself on the forums. Presentation is everything.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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sdn
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 1:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dave, I have to disagree with you about Shakespeare. I haven't read any of his non-poetic stuff cover-to-cover (heh, I can barely spell his name,) but I don't think he should be held up as an example for people who want to work on prose. His writing is so ass-backwards and full of strange grammar it takes ten minutes to figure out what the hell he's saying. It's outdated. English doesn't work that way anymore, and I for one am glad.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 3:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

sdn wrote:
His writing is so ass-backwards and full of strange grammar it takes ten minutes to figure out what the hell he's saying. It's outdated. English doesn't work that way anymore, and I for one am glad.


I wouldn't say so. I've been dissecting his methods of writing and secretly attempting them out in individual pieces I lock away, incorporating the best of contemporary English into the styles. His styles I'm working on, subtly, so I can steal his powers and become the most powerful stylistic writer in all the world...

- I can already feel the power flowing through me! Muah hah hah hah!
I will transcend all you authors and become the King of Darkness!
All will bow down to complexity!

Okay, getting back to reality, and not my twisted, demented fantasy of wreaking havoc on the mainstream 'pro' authors with an unlimited arsenal of stylistic devices, let's say this.

I don't find it hard to read. It's not outdated, at least for me. And it's interesting to see what kind of hidden messages, symbols, and styles he can use. Of course, back then not even his audience could understand everything! But Shakespeare wants us to find it interesting, not to be sitting, labouring on every word he says with a dictionary.

That's my piece, but each to his own.

And Styles for me, and for many others, are what makes things interesting. Like I said, if you're making a TV show, would you make it in black-and-white, or would you give it full colour with dazzling three-dee effects?

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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TK262
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 4:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

like i said there is soemthing wrong with my Spell Check. ( i dont know why a spell check would not check my errors mor theroly. Weird stuff) *sigh* my SC must be messed up or something. I wont be posting anything more until i either fix it or take hours to look over one bloody chapter.


Peace- TK Smile

ps tHIS MESSAGE WAS DIRECTED TO CABEL AND TO EVERYONE ELSE BUT MOSTLY FOR CABEL. AND I GOT THE XBOX360!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 4:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

TK... You make me want to commit seppuku.

There is no reason that you would need a spell checker if you would just take your time. Everyone who cares about their work here spends hours checking over one chapter. So you should to. Not for spelling errors, because those should be minimal anyway, but for other problems in the story.

You are not special and don't deserve to even post here if you cannot take jsut a little bit of pride in what you do. So stop being such a lazy freaking retard and make something of yourself. You would have to be deaf and blind to actually make all the mistakes that you do which makes me think that you are just doing it on purpose to make people mad.

So please don't make us have to keep doing this. My name is Caleb, I have tried to help you and I want you to write well. I don't want you to feel bad about yourself I just want you to do something good for yourself. If you write like this in school your teachers will have a fit. So with that said try again and don't post until you have literally put your heart and soul into the chapter.


Caleb

PS-My name is CALEB, not Cabel.
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TK262
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Huh....Caleb. I undertsand wat your coming from but i mean...here, just give me at least 20 different spelling mistakes. Because i swear that i spell most of everything correctly cause wouldnt come out in spell check if there where errors? And trust me i do pour my "heart and soul" into my story its just that i honestly dont care if you dont liek how i write. Thsi website is a free place where people can post halo fanfiction and more because they feel like there big enough halo fans to do so. I know im a halo fan. Hell if even read the 1st book and im almost done with the 2nd bloody one for crist sake!!! I mean god...ive looked at some other peoples writing and you dont say stuff like wat u say to me! And wat ive read from theres.....some are worse than mine. And the Battle Star Galatica person who wrote a fucking halo fanfic and copied the whole damn names of the people and so ona nd just mashed em into halo!!!! Thats fucking crazy!!!! yell at those bastards and not at me!!! And im also fine if u spread this note out to everyone i trully dont give a fucking damn anymore... im just going to not send in anymore fanfic if thsi is how everyones going to react!!! People at my skool whove read my stories think there great!!!!!!! U JUST A BUCH OF FUCKING ASS NERDS WHO JUST SIT AROUND ALL FUCKING DAY AND LOOK OF OVER EVERY FUCKING LINE OF THE DAMN STORY FOR HOURS ON END JUST TO GET THE FUCKING THING CORRECT!!!
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TK262
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ANOTHER THING....STOP FUCKING BITCHING YOU FUCKING FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 6:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Enough of this. I'm locking this thread down.

Teek, if you're going to act immature and scream at people like that, that isn't what's going to earn you a spot on HBOFF. I've seen many people like you hide behind "Oh, it's just fanfiction, it's meant for people to enjoy, not for nitpicking," and if you haven't got the mind or the determination to get better, why are you even here? If you don't want people to nitpick and give advice, then fine. Print it out, and show it to your friends who don't give a care in the world about the quality of your stories, which you so far, have given no effort to improve. If you're not willing to spend a little effort proofreading, then that's pathetic.

If you don't know what E-screaming and flaming is, then you should have read the guidelines; because if you get your butt kicked out, at least you'll know why.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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