HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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Part VI:
Posted by DarkZipper (crayolaj@comcast.net)
17 November 2005, 2:01 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DarkZipper1117050201491.html

[Wellington]

Nicely done, DarkZipper. Good to see your sixth installment

This one was quite good. It's always interesting to see what we all know and love from a different perspective and congratulations on doing it well. I noticed this one was a little longer and had some more description, though I'd still say you could use some more to really immerse your readers.

I have only a few things to say. First of all, in the first dialogue of the story you used parantheses in the quotations. That doesn't really work very well and I would use a more creative method to work it into the speech. Also, when you said the Heretic was "fiddling" with the controls it didn't exactly paint the desired image in my head, so try and use a better word.

You're still doing a great job. Keep it up.

- Arthur

[SYSTEM]

I like the style of your narration, Zip.

So, I take it this is from the first level where you get to play as the Arbiter, huh? I'm not too sure on the Halo 2 'storyline.'

Arth's right; a little more 'into' the story, especially around the sentinel fight; try getting into your characters' minds a little more, make 'em seem deeper and more three-dimensional: what are they thinking? Why? Do their thoughts strike any parallels with their situations to come?

Good job, and good luck on the next one.

- Dave.

By the way; what's one of those biggie sentinels called? The kind with the energy shields at the front?
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[DarkZipper]

Oh... um... Major Sentinels I think.