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Part VI:

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:25 pm    Post subject: Part VI: Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Part VI:
Posted by DarkZipper (crayolaj@comcast.net)
17 November 2005, 2:01 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DarkZipper1117050201491.html
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 2:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nicely done, DarkZipper. Good to see your sixth installment Smile

This one was quite good. It's always interesting to see what we all know and love from a different perspective and congratulations on doing it well. I noticed this one was a little longer and had some more description, though I'd still say you could use some more to really immerse your readers.

I have only a few things to say. First of all, in the first dialogue of the story you used parantheses in the quotations. That doesn't really work very well and I would use a more creative method to work it into the speech. Also, when you said the Heretic was "fiddling" with the controls it didn't exactly paint the desired image in my head, so try and use a better word.

You're still doing a great job. Keep it up.

- Arthur
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 3:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the style of your narration, Zip.

So, I take it this is from the first level where you get to play as the Arbiter, huh? I'm not too sure on the Halo 2 'storyline.'

Arth's right; a little more 'into' the story, especially around the sentinel fight; try getting into your characters' minds a little more, make 'em seem deeper and more three-dimensional: what are they thinking? Why? Do their thoughts strike any parallels with their situations to come?

Good job, and good luck on the next one.

- Dave.

By the way; what's one of those biggie sentinels called? The kind with the energy shields at the front?
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DarkZipper
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Joined: 15 Oct 2005
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 2:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh... um... Major Sentinels I think.
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