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Longsword R: Breakthrough

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:58 pm    Post subject: Longsword R: Breakthrough Reply with quote

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Longsword R: Breakthrough
Posted by Sterfrye36 (Sterfrye36@yahoo.com)
15 November 2005, 6:54 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Sterfrye361115050654161.html
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russ687
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 4:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
A Covenant frigate with small fires all over it and four giant holes in it was racing straight towards them.

When you PR, aside from watching for GPS and stuff, watch for repetition as well. For instance, here all you need to say was,
Quote:
A Covenant frigate with small fires all over and four giant holes in it was racing straight towards them.

Noticed how I took the first 'it' out. Not a big thing, but readily noticeable to the reader.

You wrote:
The captain managed to swing himself around and pulled himself up with right arm, causing stars to explode in his vision as the pain, which had been dulled momentarily by adrenaline, hit him full force.

Because I didn't see you use them earlier, I will point out that Em-dashes really should have been used in this sentence, like,
Quote:
The captain managed to swing himself around and pulled himself up with right arm, causing stars to explode in his vision as the pain—which had been dulled momentarily by adrenaline—hit him full force.

The thing with too many commas can adversly affect the flow, where as Em-dashes preserve it. Also, along with my first point, you could have taken out that first 'himself' and changed 'pulled' to 'pull.' Much better flow that way.

You wrote:
It had to be careful, though, as a miss could too easily wreck a Human ship.

This is really just a pet peeve of mine, but objects in space aren't always that close to each other. I mean, for story purposes having a Covenant frigate trying to ram their enemy is okay, but it's not so crowded up there that a stray shot could potentially hit another ship. There should be hundreds if not thousands of kilometers between these ships.

Overall, very nice job. The action was well written and I could picture it all quite well. A couple GPS errors, but they were insignificant. While your D&D could have been more comprehensive, you wrote it in such a manner that it was fine without. Keep up the good work.

-Russ
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

HAHA STER. It seems my kicking actually did something!

I'll read this very soon.


---*Doublepost removed---



Ok, well now I read it and it was awsome.

Your first section defiatly made sence.

Near the end, I had some problems reading it. I'm not very sure why. Probably too many "the"s and "they"s.

I know exactly what you are going to do at the end by the way. It was kinda obvious, considering how the "Norah" ended.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 6:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, Darkie, I just removed that doublepost down below and merged it into the other.

- I've been waiting for this series to continue; looks like my waiting wasn't in vain!

I don't even want to read the comments yet; I don't want to spoil the story! But this is going to be awesome!

Okay, I'm going to get started. As usual, any minor mechanical errors I'm going to ignore, because I know you know what you're doing.

Alright, the space battle seemed a little spaced out, but good otherwise, but this line got me,
Quote:
A Covenant frigate with small fires all over it and four giant holes in it was racing straight towards them.

Wow, so abrupt? Well, I'll leave it to you. Although everything was easy to read, that line seemed to stick out a bit. Well, I won't nitpick anymore.

Well, man, Reeves... that's gotta hurt! I like how they went out; I like how you 'said' they went out; by showing us through a character. That alone was pretty impressive, and I like it when that happens; it allows us to see from inside the event itself, not from a spectator's point.

Reading on, let's see. The Cairo SMAC station... hm... I guess that big 'ol blaster of it's a little bit slow, huh? Well, if the Covies get any closer, zoom-zoom-zoom, someone goes kaboom.

Man, this reminds me of that big battle of Independance day; running low on missiles, it's just not causing enough damage, suddenly, they're right overtop of us. You know, get the dramatic music up, and all, da-da-da-dum-da-da-dum-dum...

So, these Longsword bombers are about to take on a....

- Mmmmmph!

(I've said too much.)

Ster, gotta say, aside from a few mechanical errors, awesome. Awesomely excellent. (Wow, it's been a long time since I said that.) I liked what he said at the end of the chapter, too.

- Hell yeah!

- Dave.

Post Script - I've got to find some dramatic music for you now...
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 8:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I listened to the Soldier Slide outro by System of a Down and it fit quite well actually.

Yes, I know the CD didn't come out yet, I still have the song.

Bah to my double post.
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Wellington
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 9:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was a good story, I enjoyed it. Good use of dialogue really set the stage for tense and atmospheric writing and is one of the harder techniques to pull off. Good job in doing it so well.


russ687 wrote:
You wrote:
It had to be careful, though, as a miss could too easily wreck a Human ship.

This is really just a pet peeve of mine, but objects in space aren't always that close to each other. I mean, for story purposes having a Covenant frigate trying to ram their enemy is okay, but it's not so crowded up there that a stray shot could potentially hit another ship. There should be hundreds if not thousands of kilometers between these ships.


Agreed. People, even the authors of the official books, tend to describe these space battles like classic ninteenth century "Trafalgar" style battles. (I was particularly amused by Halo: The Flood's use of the "square" tactic against the Ghosts. Give me a break Rolling Eyes ) Anyway, I noticed that here, too. Space battles would be spread out over huge spaces, projectiles taking a while to hit anything if they hit anything at all. It would be a very different dynamic than anything so far in human history.

- Arthur
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 12:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wellington wrote:
This was a good story, I enjoyed it. Good use of dialogue really set the stage for tense and atmospheric writing and is one of the harder techniques to pull off. Good job in doing it so well.


russ687 wrote:
You wrote:
It had to be careful, though, as a miss could too easily wreck a Human ship.

This is really just a pet peeve of mine, but objects in space aren't always that close to each other. I mean, for story purposes having a Covenant frigate trying to ram their enemy is okay, but it's not so crowded up there that a stray shot could potentially hit another ship. There should be hundreds if not thousands of kilometers between these ships.


Agreed. People, even the authors of the official books, tend to describe these space battles like classic ninteenth century "Trafalgar" style battles. (I was particularly amused by Halo: The Flood's use of the "square" tactic against the Ghosts. Give me a break Rolling Eyes ) Anyway, I noticed that here, too. Space battles would be spread out over huge spaces, projectiles taking a while to hit anything if they hit anything at all. It would be a very different dynamic than anything so far in human history.

- Arthur


Hmmm. In my mind, I suppose I was thinking that everything was really cluttered after the swinging gate. But yeah, you guys make a good point. Confused

Ah, well, thanks for the reviews anyway. Smile
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Michael Archer
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 1:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

For some unknown reason, it's hard for me to read stories on the computer which are in novel form.

But anyway, I thought it was written well. Even thought the cruiser fight scenes weren't my favorite in the book.
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 1:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh my gosh! Sterfrye I am sorry that I missed this when it was posted. I suppose that it was lost in the tide of untimely fictions.

But anyhow I saw a couple of mistakes in there that wouldn't be caught by a spell checker. Some of those things can just be fixed by more proofreading. But don't worry too much about it cause this was a great read anyway!

That was wonderfully suspenseful and I can't wait till the next one. You still hold the title of "Best Space Fighter Fic Writer" in my book.

Again great job and keep it up.

Caleb

PS- Could you possibly send me the specs on those missiles? Thanks.
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mplacki
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 7:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

HBO seems to be down for some reason. Crying or Very sad
Promise to read it ASAP, though. Wink
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 10:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What's this? I was just walking along and stumbled upon this old comments page. Hmm... Seems kind of dusty. Not too much... but old enough. Wonder what led me here... almost like it was meant to happen...

Or I noticed a slip of paper on my desk that reminded me I was supposed to drop by. Dope! Right then. So here we are.



Quote:
How, a voice in his head asked.

A small mistake, but still one that I noticed, as this was the first line. I believe that there should have been a question mark there, considering the context. It stuck out to me, so I decided to make it stick out to you, also.

Quote:
Could God really…exist?

Now, this is more personal preference than a mistake. I don't know, but whenever I see triple-periods like that, I think it looks so much better when just a single (or double, whatever your personal preference) space follows the last. Instead of "really...exist?", "really... exist?". Just something about the periods that seems to hold the two words together and make it look just a tad worse than spacing it once.

But, like I said, just a personal preference.


I agree with that whole space in space deal. In the Halo books, in a couple instances, the formation is packed close so that the Cradle can slide over them and provide full coverage. However, in the maneuver that you describe, they needn't be that close. They could be a hunred kilometers apart and pull it off, though the effect might not me the same.

So, I could see, in the situation you put forth, the ships being rather close. However, I still would think they'd have enough room to maneuver.

Space is big. Has a lot of space. So things have a large area in which to play out within. Kind of hard to invision, as we like to set boundries on what we think of. Which is not a bad thing; only if those boundries are too small for the situation. Widen your perspective a bit. And let us in on it, too. Make sure that the reader can see that whole battle. I'm not telling you to spot-detail every ship involved, but describe well enough to convey that scale.


Quote:
...but Reeves was to intent on the...


I know. A small mistake. But an important one. To and too are two different words. And easy to miss during a proofread. So, proofread more, or just read more thoroughly. I know, you already do this. I can't ask all too much more from you, Ster; I'm proud of you as it is. But, that's not to say you still can't improve yourself Very Happy

Quote:
A Covenant frigate with small fires all over it and four giant holes in it was racing straight towards them.


That's a pretty sketchy sentense. The repeated us of "it" for the ship created a repetition that just didn't read all too well. The description simply could have been phrased better. Like... "A Covenant frigate, pierced four full times along its battered and atmosphere-spouting length, was racing straight towards them." See what I mean? That's probably not the best re-phrasing of what you had, but I'm sure you get my point.

Quote:
The engines were beginning to darken from their characteristically white color as the wound down.


Quote:
They engine were out of...


Yeah, yeah. Small mistake. That "y" really makes a difference. But, "they engine" instead of "The engines"... Slipping, Ster? I would have expected that mistake to have been caught. You must have been reading this late and missed it.



I love the ending. Very crisp. Very nice. The plot, too, is progressing nicely. Though, it's using action to do so. It's still a fun read, and pleasing to see you dish out more writing (even if this is a bit old, it's only been... what, twelve days?).

Keep it up, '36.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 12:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Cousins. Much appreciated. Smile
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