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The War of the Seriachs Part II, Shakedown

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 10:54 am    Post subject: The War of the Seriachs Part II, Shakedown Reply with quote

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The War of the Seriachs Part II, Shakedown
Posted by InSoMnIa (sjp0131@hotmail.com)
25 September 2004, 3:03 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=insomnia.0925040303191.html
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 9:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No Feedback so far... Confused
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For one, use the Code. Also, try making your paragraphs longer.
Watch the attitudes and personalities that you give Covenant characters.
It went by way to fast. So, you definetely need more detail, explenations, and detail.

Overall, well, I think you said you were scrapping this series. So, good lukc on your others.
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SYSTEM
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Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 11:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, don't wait for feedback, you'll get it in time, as people flock to your story, to see what the next link is. The only thing you need to worry about is if the feedback will be positive or negative.

And about the Story, it didn't look ALL that bad uncoded. Still, you need to use it, regardless, and also, you need to make your paragraphs longer. Fill them with actions. Usually characters make subtle actions before talking, and also fill it with more emotion. For example, instead of saying this:

---Poor example----
Mike said, "We don't have time for this!"

---Somewhat Refined---
...The ship took another hit. Inside, Mike was thrown to the floor. A brace of Titanium-A bent, but held. He stood up. "We don't have time for this!"


---Very refined---
...The deck beneath their feet groaned and shuddered as another flurry of pulse laser fire impacted on the ship's prow. Mike, caught by the sudden shock through the ship's superstructure, was thrown to the floor. A solid Titanium-A brace shrieked with a scream of tortured metal and bent at a near ninety-degree angle under the impact, but still held. Mike picked himself up off the floor. He pulled his cap off, feeling the sweat in his greasy hair. "We can't stand against this onslaught! We don't have enough time for the computer to make the calculations for the jump!"


- Dave.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 27, 2004 2:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If more practiced writers (like Dave) posted more stories, then newer writers would have more to gain examples and inspiration from. So, where have all the pretty good/semi-regular writers gone?

I wish some of the full regular/veteran writers would post some too. Ah, I miss the good 'ol days...
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 28, 2004 1:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry, I'll crank out another - Too bad Red and White Revolution ended up with John getting laid with Linda - so I didn't want to put that one in.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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