HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

Black on Black: Part 1
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
14 November 2005, 4:03 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle1114050403581.html

russ687 · Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 6:49 pm Post subject:

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

While the image presented in my mind was a good one, one that allowed me to picture the environment and settings quite well, I still felt that it could have been described and explained just ever so much better.

Perhaps it is my love for detail, and my undying will to push that forward on people, but I felt that the picture could have been more crisp. How to "fix" what I thought? Well, through further description and/or variation in the repetition.

I liked what I read. But it lacked the flavour that I really like to read. Of course, I suppose that "flavour" is simple experience. So, to that end, I hope to see more written by you as practice. I love to see a recipe develop into something wonderful to devour.

I agree with Russ concerning your diction. Big words are great. I love them. But it is indeed often much better to use a simpler word, one that gets your meaing across more crisply. Using a thesaurus is a very good tactic, as is using the larger and more complicated words of one's vocabulary; but not when it actually makes the writing less than it could have been with a more common word. Even while avoiding repeating a term can this be done.

Of course, it is all part of technique, but people don't enjoy reading work that sounds like it is written by a guy/girl with an open thesaurus right next to their keyboard. I don't.

I did enjoy the plot that you presented. Very nice. I like a deeper plot, one that stretches further than just the individual fights that take place during the conflicts bewteen the Covenant and Humanity. It's enjoyable to read. A filling meal instead of a tastey snack. Very good.

Overall, this was a good piece of work. I see I need not cover any of the basic with you. I hope to see more in the future, as I earlier mentioned. Good luck.
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-MCC

Wellington · Member Joined: 30 Sep 2005 Posts: 110 Location: Canada

russ687 · Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 2:12 am Post subject:

Guardian · Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 3:29 am Post subject:

how dare you bobby, I'm not an idiot.

good job with the story.

thedarkfire · Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 4:12 am Post subject:

I have a feeling this is a remake.

Anyway, great story. Keep working.

*punches bobby*

Wellington · Member Joined: 30 Sep 2005 Posts: 110 Location: Canada

russ687 · Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:39 am Post subject:

Well, from a dialogue sense it can imply short-tempered and such. Anyways, your word usage is fine by me, its just once or twice you chose a word that wasn't the best, and because the word was important (i.e. it wasn't minor like 'should' instead of 'would,' etc.), that warrented its notification. Nothing big, but keep an eye out for it.

-Russ

Dagorath · Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 1:36 pm Post subject:

Wow. The analysers. Personally, I thought it was a really cool beginning. You illustrated the Colonel as a much deeper character than I would have expected. It was all very sinister and I could really relate to Shirley. The plot was good, no GPS errors, and I really liked the descriptions. Keep up the good work!

Wellington · Member Joined: 30 Sep 2005 Posts: 110 Location: Canada

Thanks a lot, Dagorath.

Dagorath · Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 7:37 am Post subject:

You're welcome Wink

SYSTEM · Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 7:11 pm Post subject:

Strong opening. I've got to say that the structure was quite interesting; "a cold... it's a cold so... it's a cold so cold that..." That kinda useage of emphasis was nicely done without unnecessary repetition or drag-ons. That nets you a bonus, Arth!

The beginning, I've got to say, painted a great, brutal parallel between the misery of the character and the misery of the surroundings. It gives a nice atmosphere, a clear picture of the (picturesque) setting, and an excellent opportunity to foreshadow what came ahead.

Only one GPS error that bugged me anyway, "Clearly the facility was built not just into the ice but below it as well." That part could have done with a comma; "...into the ice, but below..." That's the only problem. It's funny how the smallest marks can cause the biggest trip-ups.

Interesting beginning; this could turn out to be a great series, and I really liked the last line of the chapter. And I care... about this!

Oh, and also...

- Hell Yeah!

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

Dagorath · Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 11:54 am Post subject:

Wow. Dave's been watching my posts.

I think Black on Black: Part II is out already. Commenting in progress.

Wellington · Member Joined: 30 Sep 2005 Posts: 110 Location: Canada

Thanks, Dave.

Yeah, that was an awkward sentence.

- Arthur