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Black on Black: Part 1
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 4:19 pm    Post subject: Black on Black: Part 1 Reply with quote

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Black on Black: Part 1
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
14 November 2005, 4:03 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle1114050403581.html
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russ687
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
How long is this damn ride going to last?, she thought miserably.


Ahh, a rookie mistake? No punctuation like that back to back.

You wrote:
"This is ostensibly a military outpost, in reality a prison, and is the last Goddamn place in the galaxy you'd want to be."

A suggestion: Ostensibly isn't really the best word for use here. I think I've mentioned this to you before, but pick the best word, not just a correct word. Something like 'superficially' or 'insinuated' would have, from my standpoint, conveyed your meaning better. Again, the word isn't wrong, but probably not the best.
You wrote:
"I've got nothing to say," he repeated laconically.

Hmm, relating to what I just said. Don't overcomplicate writing when a simple 'tersely' or 'curtly' will suffice. In fact, it's a good rule of thumb to use the simplest word available that fully conveys your meaning, repetition reasons aside.

You wrote:
"Correct me if I'm wrong, Colonel," Tom said quietly, "but was that not the maxim of the Soviets? Of the Koslovic Regime?"

Excellent. I liked how you went back in time to our reality, and to Halo's.


Overall, excellent job. A big improvement here. Good D&D, little GPS errors, and a good ending. I'm interested to see were this goes, and what lies deeper.

-Russ
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 7:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

While the image presented in my mind was a good one, one that allowed me to picture the environment and settings quite well, I still felt that it could have been described and explained just ever so much better.

Perhaps it is my love for detail, and my undying will to push that forward on people, but I felt that the picture could have been more crisp. How to "fix" what I thought? Well, through further description and/or variation in the repetition.

I liked what I read. But it lacked the flavour that I really like to read. Of course, I suppose that "flavour" is simple experience. So, to that end, I hope to see more written by you as practice. I love to see a recipe develop into something wonderful to devour.


I agree with Russ concerning your diction. Big words are great. I love them. But it is indeed often much better to use a simpler word, one that gets your meaing across more crisply. Using a thesaurus is a very good tactic, as is using the larger and more complicated words of one's vocabulary; but not when it actually makes the writing less than it could have been with a more common word. Even while avoiding repeating a term can this be done.

Of course, it is all part of technique, but people don't enjoy reading work that sounds like it is written by a guy/girl with an open thesaurus right next to their keyboard. I don't.


I did enjoy the plot that you presented. Very nice. I like a deeper plot, one that stretches further than just the individual fights that take place during the conflicts bewteen the Covenant and Humanity. It's enjoyable to read. A filling meal instead of a tastey snack. Very good.



Overall, this was a good piece of work. I see I need not cover any of the basic with you. I hope to see more in the future, as I earlier mentioned. Good luck.
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Wellington
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

russ687 wrote:
You wrote:
How long is this d*mn ride going to last?, she thought miserably.

Ahh, a rookie mistake? No punctuation like that back to back.


Damn Wink

russ687 wrote:
You wrote:
"I've got nothing to say," he repeated laconically.

Hmm, relating to what I just said. Don't overcomplicate writing when a simple 'tersely' or 'curtly' will suffice. In fact, it's a good rule of thumb to use the simplest word available that fully conveys your meaning, repetition reasons aside.


Ah yes, curtly would have done nicely, I agree.

MC's Cousin wrote:
Of course, it is all part of technique, but people don't enjoy reading work that sounds like it is written by a guy/girl with an open thesaurus right next to their keyboard. I don't.


Not that I'm offended or trying to dump on your advice, because I really appreciate any tips, but are ostensible and laconic really that obscure?

Mc's Cousin wrote:
Perhaps it is my love for detail, and my undying will to push that forward on people, but I felt that the picture could have been more crisp. How to "fix" what I thought? Well, through further description and/or variation in the repetition.


I did try and cap length, though if you think my story suffered from it, I'll correct that in the future.

Thanks a lot for your comments.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 2:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wellington wrote:
Not that I'm offended or trying to dump on your advice, because I really appreciate any tips, but are ostensible and laconic really that obscure?


Offended? Offended! Why would I be offended!
(Just kidding, of course. Smile )

Ostensible isn't; that's common usage for me (and my point was that the word wasn't the best choice, not about its obscurity). Laconic, in your usage, was a bit of an overkill to me. I say this because I'm coming from a perspective that some things need to be concise and simple, like someone snapping back during a conversation. When the dialouge is rough and quickly paced, avoid using words that will slow the reader down.

i.e., "You are an idiot!" Bobby replied tersely.
or
"You are an idiot!" Bobby replied compendiously.

Which one makes you think Bobby is angrier? That's what I meant when I offered that suggestion.

-Russ
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 3:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

how dare you bobby, I'm not an idiot.

good job with the story.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 4:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have a feeling this is a remake.

Anyway, great story. Keep working.

*punches bobby*
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Wellington
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

russ687 wrote:
.e., "You are an idiot!" Bobby replied tersely.
or
"You are an idiot!" Bobby replied compendiously.

Which one makes you think Bobby is angrier? That's what I meant when I offered that suggestion.


Well, terseness doesn't imply anger... but I get your point Wink. Choose my words more carefully and clearly... got it.

Thanks Shadow and darkfire.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, from a dialogue sense it can imply short-tempered and such. Anyways, your word usage is fine by me, its just once or twice you chose a word that wasn't the best, and because the word was important (i.e. it wasn't minor like 'should' instead of 'would,' etc.), that warrented its notification. Nothing big, but keep an eye out for it.

-Russ
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 1:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. The analysers. Personally, I thought it was a really cool beginning. You illustrated the Colonel as a much deeper character than I would have expected. It was all very sinister and I could really relate to Shirley. The plot was good, no GPS errors, and I really liked the descriptions. Keep up the good work!
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Wellington
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 7:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a lot, Dagorath.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 7:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're welcome Wink
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 7:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Strong opening. I've got to say that the structure was quite interesting; "a cold... it's a cold so... it's a cold so cold that..." That kinda useage of emphasis was nicely done without unnecessary repetition or drag-ons. That nets you a bonus, Arth!

The beginning, I've got to say, painted a great, brutal parallel between the misery of the character and the misery of the surroundings. It gives a nice atmosphere, a clear picture of the (picturesque) setting, and an excellent opportunity to foreshadow what came ahead.

Only one GPS error that bugged me anyway, "Clearly the facility was built not just into the ice but below it as well." That part could have done with a comma; "...into the ice, but below..." That's the only problem. It's funny how the smallest marks can cause the biggest trip-ups.

Interesting beginning; this could turn out to be a great series, and I really liked the last line of the chapter. And I care... about this!

Oh, and also...

- Hell Yeah!

- Dave.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 11:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. Dave's been watching my posts.

I think Black on Black: Part II is out already. Commenting in progress.
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Wellington
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 9:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Dave.

Yeah, that was an awkward sentence.

- Arthur
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