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9.5 mm Love Letter

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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4377

PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 4:19 pm    Post subject: 9.5 mm Love Letter Reply with quote

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9.5 mm Love Letter
Posted by Dark-Assassin Rainbow-Lollipop Bunny (
12 November 2005, 6:52 pm
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337

Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 6:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now, now, now--you must have more faith than that. "How much this sucked"? An author should be proud of his/her work, no matter how much help it may need. And the better you get, the more proud you become. It's not a bad thing to be confident in your writing ability. Besides, here, we'll help you out. At least those of us whom are nice Very Happy

Anyway. Onto the story.

The title was the first thing that struck my interest. I can's say that I often see titles such as yours, and so this one stuck out to my eye. That's why I clicked in on your story.

Having a good title is actually not so small an accomplishment. If you were of the average crowd, you might have titled your story something like "Sir Bob and His Magical Adventures." Sure, it may cover what you are going to write about, but it is plain, basic, noninteresting. I'm glad you're a step ahead in this area.

Okay. The first thing that I noticed about your writing was that you tended to do a whole lot of telling. Your whole first paragraph was, essentially, just a list. While that gets the information across, it isn't the funnest to read.

Instead, what you want to do is to show the reader what is happening in your story. You need to describe it, paint a moving picture in the reader's mind.

Instead of "The spent cartridges were flying in every direction." you could have written "Spent cartridges flew in every direction, the heated metal leaving arcs of hot vapor as they fell, clattering upon piles of brass shells already fallen." You know, add in some detail, some explenation. Material to fill in the gaps, and to keep the writing flowing.

You see, that is the main problem when you tell. You have these clipped sentenses that don't really lead into the next. That's just jerky to read through. It doesn't flow smoothly as the reader's eyes go over the text. However, you want it to be as smooth as possible. That is a big goal to accomplish and strive for: perfect flow.

On an honest level, no-one is perfect, but you can still work towards that level. Nobody can attain it, but don't let that little detail stop you from trying Wink

Proper nouns. As lowly as you may see the, Grunts and Jackals still warrant proper noun status in your writing. That means capping the first letter like you would a name of a character. It's a small detail, but one that does make a difference.

As far as the plot went, I thought it was actually pretty good. It was a short story, yes? Well, it was not as impacting as it could have been; but for starters, I was impressed. You did good. Though, I would have liked it had the title tied into the ending, or at least a major development, in the plot. Would have made it more appropriate.

Overall, I'm glad I clicked into this. You have some obvious talent for writing. Just keep practicing and listen to the advice you are given; I know you can improve. Good luck. And if you ever have any questions, I'm just a PM away. Keep it up.
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Mark Lieberg

Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 6:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote


I liked this story ALOT!
I was flippin threw stories and saw this one with the code and i was it mark.
so i read it.
I really liked it.

U did a great job. I didnt look for mistakes or wateva cause thats why we got MCC around haha.
yea. I liked the story.

Great job man.
Mark Lieberg
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"
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Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5

PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2005 1:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually not bad. The content was pretty good and the story was relatively interesting. Kind of makes you wonder as in the game a Marine can take like five needles or more and one in real life takes one needle and runs home to mummy.

Don't use too many "I"s. It really breaks up the flow of the story. Capitalisation (as MCC said) is of course important, and remember to run through a few more drafts. At least you did better than my first time Very Happy .

Try going onto a series now. I have a feeling you might be good at them.
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Joined: 26 Sep 2005
Posts: 64
Location: WIsconsin

PostPosted: Sat Nov 26, 2005 10:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

to tell you the truth, the part of your story that SUCKED the most was the following:

---Please give me feedback. I would like to hear your thoughts, I need to know how bad this story sucked.

C'mon! A good author should have faith in their story rather then burn it before some other bloodthirsty critic can. You're lucky you put that comment at the end of the story, had you put it as your AN, people would have stopped reading it just as they read it.

It was a very interesting story. I was kind of lost where this story took place however. Your details were poetic and flowed niceley. You have great potential in description but the plot was a bit short however your entertaining style of writing made up for it. I look forward to reading more of your work if you continue with your personal style.

Also, nice work on the title. It caught my interest. next time however, don't but the 'disclaimer' on how you think it sucks.

Happy Typing! Very Happy
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CoLd BlooDed

Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.

PostPosted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, you should be proud of your work, especially if this is your first story on HBOFF! I mean, you have the code and everything, and it just makes it look that much better.

I have no further advice for you except this - listen to what MCC, Dagorath, and GreekElite said, they know what they're talking about.

Pretty impressive for a first story, man.
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