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Master Chief's Hell

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 3:51 pm    Post subject: Master Chief's Hell Reply with quote

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Master Chief's Hell
Posted by Master Kim (maimkim@hotmail.com)
8 November 2005, 2:25 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Master_Kim1108050225171.html
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Sat Nov 12, 2005 7:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now that is something I never thought I'd see: a poem based on the infamous warthog-sitting-on-a-pile-of-grendades jump. For the most part this was very good. Nice length, good word choices and a wry wit throughout. My only complaint is that you regularly screwed up your rhythm. Although it is acceptable to vary your poem's form here and there, you have to avoid making things awkward: and this got awkward often.

Still, you have a lot of talent and this was a good submission. Hope to see more from you.

C.T. Clown
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Sat Nov 12, 2005 4:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting.

A very unique subject on which to base a poem. Or piece of FF in general. I, like Chuckles, can say that I was no expecting this at all. The title, to me, was actually a pretty good one; and while it did make me think it would be a poem, I was not expecting one along these lines. Not at all.

It was written pretty well. Everything came across fairly well. But, I did see the same problem that Chuck did. The rhythm kept jumping around. Now, a poem does not have to rhyme, but if you try to make it, do so consistently, else it actually turns out worse. And like I said, don't think that you absolutely have to make a poem rhyme. Some are better off not--but if you really try, and make each line fit within a ryhming sheme, it turns into something quite enjoyable to read.

You have some skill, just keep practicing and listening to advice to improve it. Good luck.
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 1:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh, I like the idea of comparing the pause it dialogue box to a blue platform, hah, this was pretty funny.

Well, I'm not too big on matching up syllables, because my standards for poetry are generally lower, so I'll say, this was pretty damn nice and creative. Maybe you should show it to the guys who do that warthog jump thing.

And this is the last time Michael and I try whacking each others' characters to death and hitting 'revert to saved.'

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

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Master Kim
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Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 3
Location: Warwick, Rhode Island, USA, North America, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way

PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 8:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah I have to admit, I screwed up the rhythm on some parts. Especially the end. I was getting tired and I wanted to go to sleep, can you blame me? (That was rhetorical, and if you answer that, I will launch a warthog at you.)

But thanks for the compliments. I will make more game-aware poems such as this in the future. There's a chance I'll start a fan-fic series. But for now, I shall work on the poems.
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