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Halo 2: The Things That We Fight For

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 10:40 am    Post subject: Halo 2: The Things That We Fight For Reply with quote

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Halo 2: The Things That We Fight For
Posted by Nick
24 September 2004, 3:54 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=nick.0924040354331.html
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Jeremy
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Joined: 25 Sep 2004
Posts: 5

PostPosted: Sat Sep 25, 2004 2:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The best part of this Fanfic is use of the code.
Well, there are a few things that I would suggest.

First off, this line caught me:

Quote:
"Chief, I'm picking up 10 very large signals coming from behind us. They should arrive here in 1 minute."


Where is she taking them? To soccer practice? 10 signals? How is that going to hurt the Master Chief? And I believe "they" (the signals) have already arived, since Cortana is talking about them.

Any fanfic with the words "yelled the Master Chief" is discredited. You must have played the game, so have you ever heard him scream something? I think not.

Quote:
Sergeant, giving the Spartan full command is not good...


Hmmm. I just didn't like this. That just doesn't sound like a dialogue a soldier would have with a sargeant. Or anyone for that matter. Like, "Mr. English Teacher, giving us homework on a holiday is not good...." It just doesn't sound right.

In short (well, not really), just work on your characters and proofread your work. Work on the dialogue. Email it to friends. Show it to a teacher, if you're in school. This story has great potential, and just work on those things.

Quote:
The Sergeant sighed and said, "I guess then..." The Sergeant never got to finish what he started to say, as a hunter blew him up with a fuel-rod cannon. The marines and the Master Chief took cover in a nearby building.


What?! Sorry, but it would be more credible if you actually mentioned the setting of the story.
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MasterSushi
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Joined: 14 Sep 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Sitting in a chair. On my own. Eating cupcakes. And people tell me to get a life. Ha.

PostPosted: Sat Sep 25, 2004 3:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Those three horrifying words. "Blew him up."
Why oh why did God put those words on this Earth?

Pleeeaassssseee, promise me you will never use those three childish, boring, brain stopping words ever, ever, ever again. If some one explodes there must be about three lines of gory and gruesome detail.

The Raw Fish will leave you in peaace with a plug: Don't forget to read and reveiw Shadow parts 1,2 and 3. Thank you!

Wait a second is ths the same Nick that I've commented on many a time before? Or the other one? Hmmmmmm.......
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Sat Sep 25, 2004 10:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn spam... jk.

As for your author's note, well: it's not that Silva is mean, Silva jsut doens't like the Chief because of what he is, because of what he has had done to him, because he sees MC as flawed.
Now, Silva is rough and tough, but not "mean." Not even sadistic. I have read Halo: The Flood (several times in fact), so I know much about the characters.

Make sure to keep your personalities "to the books." Some people might say that you don't need to adhere to the book with every detail-and sometimes they would be right, you don't. Making up stuff can be alright; but when you use established characters, keep them acting like themselves.
Now, try typing out your numbers. Instead of doing "1" and "10," write it out like "one" and "ten."
And watch your Marine talk and such. Keep it sounding realistic, as well as the battle sequenses; you didn't have any detail whatsoever in there.

Overall, it was okay, but you need to watch your grammar and try to explain things better. Detail, detail, detail, and more detail [just make sure to use it in the right ways].
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 12:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A better mousetrap.

The author to this fanfick wrote:
The Sergeant sighed and said, "I guess then..." The Sergeant never got to finish what he started to say, as a hunter blew him up with a fuel-rod cannon. The marines and the Master Chief took cover in a nearby building.


That was pathetic. Are you trying to be tragic? I mean, if you are, you're too good. I wonder why English has devolved. But if you can redeem yourself - go ahead. Just don't try anything bad.

Instead, try writing something more detailed.

What you should have wrote:
The Sergeant sighed and said sadly, "I guess then..." He was cut off in midsentence, as a glowing green missile of pure energy slammed into the ground below him, exploding into fragments and plasma, carving a crater where the Sergeant had stood. When the smoke cleared, the Sergeant's remains consisted of individual atoms.

_____The hunter that fired the shot slowly shuffled forward, the thick, shining metal armor shining brilliantly, its shield lowered, the jagged spines along its back raised, and its fuel rod cannon charging for another shot. It raised its head and roared in rage, reminding the Chief of the Lions he had been told about when he was young.

_____"Fall back!" The Spartan yelled.
The Marines were only too-glad to comply. The Hunter followed them, sending glowing green plasma bursts over the heads of the terror-stricken marines until they reached the relative safety of a large, concrete building.



Do you see the difference?
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Conrad Lauf
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 139
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 9:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In response to Jeremy's comment about the Chief never yelling or saying anything during gameplay:
Haven't you ever heard him yell as he gets blown up, or choke/groan when a small weapon kills him? Besides, if the XBOX controllers had a way for us to make the Chief talk during gameplay, we'd probably be making him talk non-stop.

P.S. Sorry I haven't been submitting comments or FanFic lately guys, but at the moment I'm focusing more or less on FanArt. Which should have appeared on this site about a week ago...

Cheers and see you all Very Happy
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