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The Siege of Palatine: Part 6: Conclusion

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 5:14 pm    Post subject: The Siege of Palatine: Part 6: Conclusion Reply with quote

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The Siege of Palatine: Part 6: Conclusion
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
7 November 2005, 3:59 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle1107050359511.html
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Michael Archer
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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada, North America, Earth, Inner Planets, Too bad it won't let me go farther.

PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 10:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I haven't read this yet, but I have to say this again.

John Miller! WOOT! Go save Private Ryan!
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Wellington
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 08, 2005 9:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Indeed. I didn't even remember John Miller was Hanks' name in Private Ryan, at least not consciously.

It's also the name of a friend of mine. We're all influenced by our memories, consciously or not Smile
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EliteSupaSpartan
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2005 12:04 am    Post subject: Excellent Story Reply with quote

The Siege of Palantine Series is a must-read. I enjoyed reading every part of it. Keep up the good work Wellington.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2005 9:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

As I have said, good details and descriptions, though I will point out that things seemed somewhat choppy in places. Concisely said, don't have fragmented sentences, and be sure to read aloud when you proof your work.

Good emotions in there; I was happy to see that. Emotional situations aid invaluably in character development, and without them the reader won't care about your character. Thankfully, you've taken the time to do so, which makes this all the more better.

I was a little perplexed by your word choice in some areas, and it sometimes created an interesting scene that was probably far from your intent. Just a suggestion, but think about some of your focal words a little more thoroughly.

Also, don't use footnotes. This sort of mirrors my stance on AN's.

I think you went through the process of Captain Miller leaving with Burke and his SF team too quickly. Unless I missed something, I don't think you had him talk to his XO, or his First Sergeant, or anyone about the chain of command and what they should do now that he was leaving, nor did you allude to it. Just be sure to think things out and cover all the contingencies.

During that encounter with the Areani and the Elite in that hole, I think you exaggerated things too much. Elites are, for most purposes, very comparable to a Spartan-II, and as such they are very fast and very cunning. A human with enhanced reflexes and senses cannot hope to defend a blow already arcing toward the victim, and even thereafter a group of these soldiers cannot take the alien down that fast. They are shielded, they are heavy, and they are far faster than your soldiers are (and you said these Areani were not enhanced nearly as much as the Spartan-II's). I can see them sniping those two at the beginning of the encounter, but not quite what they did in the excavation.

I was also astounded by the fact that while there was a small number of Covenant on the surface guarding and operating some sort of machinery, there were a lot more under the ground in this subterranean city. The Covenant aren't exactly new to combat, so I would have assumed that, given the large number of troops, they would have better secured what is the only known entrance (or at least one of a few) to this underground city to avoid humans form getting even close to that city.

Oh man, that ending was so Tom Clancy. Anyone else thinking "Clear and Present Danger" during this scene? No? Oh well, I was. Good job there. You built up to it pretty well in the previous scene with Wagner, and overall I enjoyed that ending and plot twist a lot. Nice job wrapping this story up.

For a first series you did quite well, but for your next one be sure to add more complexity to the plot. I felt you could have elaborated in many more areas to make this really great, so just keeping that in mind for the future. As a whole, though, good job. I'm looking forward to your next endeavors.

-Russ
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Wellington
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2005 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Supa Spartan.

And thanks a lot Russ for your very detailed response. Indeed, my fifth entry I tried to condense all I wanted to do into one story and keep it a manageable length. Looking back, you're right, it did suffer because of it.

I am myself perplexed as to what words perplexed you. Could you give an example?

Thanks a lot for your review and advice.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2005 10:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
He felt a strange wave of affection for Burke for not questioning him about his appearance.


Affection isn't the right word, IMO. The defintions do it make a correct word to use here, but not the right one. Gratification was the word that jumped to mind in replacement, but regardless it sort of made the sentence somewhat misleading, to me, at least.

I can't go back in and find the other few that stuck out (I'd pretty much wouldn't have to reread it to find them), but that's along the general lines of what I mean by interesting word choice. Probably the moral of the story is that people associate words with the most used defition, not always with its other meanings, so try an pick the best word to describe what you mean.

-Russ
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Wellington
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

In that instance I was actually trying to convey something deeper than mere thankfulness on the surface. He felt an intense understanding and bond had been established between the two of them because of Burke's refusal to question him, made clear by events later on. Affection was the word I was looking for.

Chalk that one up to interpretation, I guess.

- Arthur
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