HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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Part IV: The Truth
Posted by DarkZipper (crayolaj@comcast.net)
5 November 2005, 8:46 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DarkZipper1105052046551.html

[DarkZipper]

This is where everything really comes together. After this, you're gonna see a whole lot more than speeches and discoveries...

[Wellington]

Again, you are doing a good job in presenting your story. You are showing the events from a different perspective and from the beginning with some nice explanations along the way. It is done well. You have added some original additions, too, like that the Heretic leader is not a warrior at all and that the weapons the Heretics use are produced from the facility itself. Also you explained why the Arbiter was chosen when so unlikely. It is these little details that can really captivate a reader.

I would say, however, that this particular installment, while solid for the first two thirds, suffered in the final section. The perspective changed confusingly and jarringly and some of the grammar near the end was a bit sloppy. Also, while your story is becoming more three dimensional with each entry, I would say you should still add a little depth. Put a little meat on there!

Overall, good work. I enjoyed the read.

- Arthur

[DarkZipper]

Thank's Wellington. I'm trying to get closer and closer to perfection with each installment. It's not going to be perfect by the end, but hey; practice makes better, not perfect

[DarkZipper]

By the way, I've sent in part five. It'll probably be up tomorrow.