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welcome...........part 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 10:40 am    Post subject: welcome...........part 1 Reply with quote

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welcome...........part 1
Posted by badger (lifesucks_whyworry@hotmail.com)
23 September 2004, 7:16 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=badger.0923041916531.html
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 2:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off you need to use the code. Also, try typing out your numbers (ie- instead of 6'2", type it out: six-foot-two)
Work on your sentence structure as well; I saw a ton of run-ons in there, as well as grammar mistakes and random spelling errors.
The next issue I would like to address would be your detail level. You didn't really have any. Add more detail in your narrations and descriptions. It seems you have a talent and desire to write, but that you don't have that much experience yet. Practice and get that experience.
Now, also, make sure that you don't get too repeditive. Make sure you use different adjectives. And don't abreviate ranks in conversation.

Overall, it could have been good; but because of lack of detail and care that it should have been given, the story went by to fast and wasn't as good as I would have liked it to be. Keep workin'.
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echo3kilo
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 6:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

this is a pretty good beginning...it seems almost like the rough draft of a better story, you know, the shitty rough that every writer makes when first putting an idea down on paper(don't take offense, EVERY writer's first draft is shitty). What you can do is take this existing copy and refine it, then repost it. It could be interesting to see the end draft. Like MCC said, details. I felt kinda let down with the lack of emotional conflict in the Cpl when he had to let his best friend die, in order to save the rest of the unit. That is a situation where real time does not apply, meaning you can drop out of the action for a second to describe Brunetti's cycle of emotions. also, work on dialogue. my suggestion is go to a cafe, or someplace similar, and listen to the coversations. you can learn a lot about dialogue and conversation by doing that.

I look forward to the revised edition!
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 25, 2004 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'd also like to offer something to the pot of comments.

I'm in a charitable mood, so you're spared from the flames.

One thing. Avoid Shortforms and naked numbers. Don't just write "50." Write "Fifty-Caliber Pistol."

Also, if you're going to put numbers in, don't put them in digits.

For example:
- 0200 hours (2. A.M) ---------> Oh-two-hundred-hours. Two A. M.
------Before----------------------------------After.

Be sure to run your story though a spellchecker, and be sure to use the little button at the bottom of the screen - the "Preview Submission" Button.

Well, I for one am glad that SOMEONE tried to write something with some emotion in it, even if it wasn't as emotional as I had thought it would be.

Here, try this.

You wrote:

phos grenade exploded between them. He looked down at his best friend, Lance Corporal Cutler, whose artery he was holding closed in his right hand. He looked at Cutler's 50cal. If he moved his friend would bleed out, if he didnt the entire squad would be destroyed. As gently as he could he removed his hand from his friends artery and dove across the foxhole. Trying his best to ignore Cutler's groans of agony he siezed the 50. and started firing.


What you should have wrote:


________The seconds stretched into minutes as the glowing plasma grenade landed bewteen them. Without warning, it exploded, carving a crater into the earth and turning the sandy ground into muddy glass. Brunetti counted the beats of his heart, not seeming to hear the sounds of combat around him.
________One... Two... Three... Brunetti forced his eyes open, and realized he was relatively unharmed.

________The answer hit him a second later. His longtime friend lay at his feet. He had thrown himself in front of Brunetti when the grenade went off. His flesh was charred and blackened, and his right arm from the elbow down was missing. Crimson red blood flowed out of the stump. He looked up at Cutler.
________ "Help... me..." Cutler whispered out of burned lips. He coughed, sending a mixture of blood and phlegm up onto his face.

________Brunetti knelt down, oblivious to the combat around him. Cutler coughed again, and tried to turn to look at his severed arm. Brunetti knelt down, and took off his helmet. He squeezed his friend's other hand.
________"Cutler, don't die. You've been through much more than this and you've come through!"
Brunetti's eyes glistened with fresh tears. Cutler had saved his skin many times, and Brunetti had always returned the favor. They had grown up together and gone to school together. The only way they survived school was to copy off each other's papers during tests and exams. A bond stronger than iron had grown between them over the years, but Brunetti felt it begin to crumble.
________Brunetti released his grasp on Cutler's hand, and tried to slow the blood flow from his friend's arm. The blood stuck to his hands, turning them red and black. Cutler coughed again, his brilliant blue eyes beginning to fade.
_______"Don't worry about me. Save the squad. Heed my last wish."
Brunetti shook his head.
_______"I won't leave you!"
But Cutler could no longer hear his words. His left hand, however, pointed to the pistol on his belt. Brunetti looked at the pistol, remembering how Cutler had pranced and danced with sheer joy when he recieved the heirloom from his grandfather when they had graduated from the navy academy. It was old, battered, and the once-glossy finish had faded and cracked in many places, but it had saved Cutler's life more than once, even though the pistol was over five-hundred years old. It was an ancient twentieth century Desert eagle, a Fifty-Caliber Action Express. Brunetti was mesmerized by it.

______His thoughts and reflections were cut short as a stocky alien levelled its odd, luminous weapon at him. It gave a short, low, gurgling laugh.
______Almost subconsiously, Brunetti whipped the pistol from its holster. Time slowed down as he brought the pistol up, his thumb flicking the safety lever upwards. His finger fit into the trigger guard as if it had grown there.
_____The muzzle flash from the old pistol almost blinded him as Brunetti fired off a rapid series of shots from his friend's weapon. The distincive roar of the hand cannon sang in his ears like a resounding bell.
_____The alien's energy shields took the first bullet, sending a rippling effect over the alien's odd, angular body. The second bullet impacted on its midsection. The energy field surrounding the alien burned out. The shield dropped away.

_____Brunetti didn't give the alien a window of opportunity to use its weapon. He kept firing, blinded by the muzzle flash, and deafened by the gunfire, the pistol bucking and kicking in his hands like a mad bull.
_____Two more bullets pounded the alien. A shower of purple gore left its midsection, then its chest, and then its head disappeared as Brunetti fired the last two shots in the weapon's magazine.




Try that next time.

Good Luck,

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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echo3kilo
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 27, 2004 12:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hate to break it to ya Dave, but .50 caliber machine guns are spelled with the digits, and so is military time, as in 0200 for 2am. you spell out numbers below 100, usually, but in a situation such as military nomeclature, you follow the prescribed shorthand.
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 27, 2004 2:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Personally I go with this:

Spell out general numbers (ie- "There were three-hundred Covenant troops waiting in the valley below" or "Around the corner stood three Grunts, a pair of Jackals, and a single Elite.")
When working with caliber or bullet dimmentions, it normally doens't bother me to see typed numbers. Sometimes if you spell out that kind of thing it can be harder to read (ie- "The 7.62 millimeter rounds tore through the creatures body, the spray of blood coating the wall behind it." as apposed to "The seven-point-sixty-two millimeter rounds...")
As for times, well, it depends. In a title or time/date stamp I want to see numbers. In writing, well, I don't know. Something like "Another supply shipt is scheduled for O-three-hundred, sir." would be okay, but then again, so would "Their's another supply ship scheduled to come in at 0300 sir." Maybe, but the typed out version looks better in dialogue, numbers in normal writing.

So, if you like, you can go by those generalities. Or, just make up your own. Either way, make sure it looks nice, that is why it matters.
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahhh... Thanks Echo!

Looks like I'll have to re-edit several of my stories that I haven't put up yet - I've gotten in the habit of writing out everything in longhand.

Thanks for the tips!

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Johny117
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 18, 2006 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Echo. This felt more like a rough draft, but, you got a good storyline. You got me speculating.
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