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Salvation
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 5:36 pm    Post subject: Salvation Reply with quote

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Salvation
Posted by DarkZipper (crayolaj@comcast.net)
4 November 2005, 12:10 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DarkZipper1104050010401.html
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Michael Archer
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Joined: 19 Aug 2004
Posts: 152
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada, North America, Earth, Inner Planets, Too bad it won't let me go farther.

PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 11:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What a story! I can just imagine Guilty Spark's ranting.

Please capitialize "Forerunners"
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DarkZipper
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Joined: 15 Oct 2005
Posts: 18

PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 1:46 am    Post subject: Thanks Reply with quote

That is the best review I've gotten yet! Thank you so much! You'll love the next part! (As for the Forerunners thing: Thank's, I'll keep that in mind)
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sdn
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 2:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Youc completely broke away from cannon. That's a no-no, especially for a new member with no established credibility behind him.

Read the Halo Story Page if you're unfamiliar with the official storyline.
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DarkZipper
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Joined: 15 Oct 2005
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 3:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

sdn wrote:
Youc completely broke away from cannon. That's a no-no, especially for a new member with no established credibility behind him.

Read the Halo Story Page if you're unfamiliar with the official storyline.


Could you give me an example?
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 11:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was pretty good. You have a smooth, natural style to your writing. I loved how you portrayed GS. You infused a lot of personality in a very short time.

Your aliens sound much too human. The speech he gave sounded a lot like something you would hear from a human commander. Do what you can to make aliens seem alien. I also thought that this was quite short.

Still, I thought you did a good job and I'll be looking for more from you.

C.T. Clown
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2005 3:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nicely done, DarkZipper. Sorry I didn't read your second installment.

I'm all caught up now, though, and I am impressed. You are presenting your idea very well, I think. You came up with the plot and are sticking to it much better than most new authors. Very well done. Smile

I can say only that some of it seemed a tad rushed. Although I understand droning on to build up the story can be tedious it is also often necessary. I thought the Architect's sudden conversion to a disbeliever happened way too fast, as well as that of all his troops. I think it would take more than one small speech to rewrite a liftime of mental programming and brainwashing.

Also, as Chuckles said, try and make your aliens a bit more alien.

Overall, good work. I'm looking forward to see what you do next.

- Arthur
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DarkZipper
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2005 5:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow! Thank's for the review Wellington. I've already put in the fourth instalment. It's much longer than the third one, and I did my best to make the Covenant seem more alien. Hope you enjoy.
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2005 6:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

By the way, it's great to see you take such an interest in your own story. Many new authors don't bother to respond to the comments they get.

Keep up the good work, DarkZipper! Very Happy
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Guardian
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Joined: 26 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2005 7:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aye good work.
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Tin Can Man
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2005 7:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aye, lad.
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DarkZipper
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Joined: 15 Oct 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 12:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wellington wrote:
By the way, it's great to see you take such an interest in your own story. Many new authors don't bother to respond to the comments they get.

Keep up the good work, DarkZipper! Very Happy


Well, I want to make sure that people don't think I'm just some moronic noob that doesn't care. I love to write, and I love reading everyone's feedback on my work.
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The Arbitress
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Joined: 11 Dec 2004
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Location: Discussing high energy astrophysics with The Arbiter

PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 1:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's the best way to get better at writing. Jeez, if one were to look at the first story I posted, and look now at some of the stuff I write...><

The characterization was wonderful. Except for the main character, I would assume who is a Brute. They're usually the most vigilant to the Great Journey, so like Wellington said, he believed in what GS was saying a tad too easily. But you portrayed 343 Guilty Spark as Nylund did; an arrogant idiot. So overall, great job.
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Zephyr
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Joined: 25 May 2005
Posts: 275
Location: im at ur moms house lol

PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 2:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great work.

I thought it could have been longer, but good all the same.
_________________
For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul?
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DarkZipper
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Joined: 15 Oct 2005
Posts: 18

PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 3:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Arbitress wrote:
The characterization was wonderful. Except for the main character, I would assume who is a Brute.


This is actually the third part of a series I'm writing. I explained the main character in the first installment. He is an Elite.
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