HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Salvation
Posted by DarkZipper (crayolaj@comcast.net)
4 November 2005, 12:10 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DarkZipper1104050010401.html

Michael Archer · Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 11:51 pm Post subject:

What a story! I can just imagine Guilty Spark's ranting.

Please capitialize "Forerunners"

DarkZipper · Member Joined: 15 Oct 2005 Posts: 18

That is the best review I've gotten yet! Thank you so much! You'll love the next part! (As for the Forerunners thing: Thank's, I'll keep that in mind)

sdn · Member Joined: 15 Jul 2005 Posts: 121 Location: afk

Youc completely broke away from cannon. That's a no-no, especially for a new member with no established credibility behind him.

Read the Halo Story Page if you're unfamiliar with the official storyline.

DarkZipper · Member Joined: 15 Oct 2005 Posts: 18

Chuckles · Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 11:58 am Post subject:

This was pretty good. You have a smooth, natural style to your writing. I loved how you portrayed GS. You infused a lot of personality in a very short time.

Your aliens sound much too human. The speech he gave sounded a lot like something you would hear from a human commander. Do what you can to make aliens seem alien. I also thought that this was quite short.

Still, I thought you did a good job and I'll be looking for more from you.

C.T. Clown

Wellington · Member Joined: 30 Sep 2005 Posts: 110 Location: Canada

Nicely done, DarkZipper. Sorry I didn't read your second installment.

I'm all caught up now, though, and I am impressed. You are presenting your idea very well, I think. You came up with the plot and are sticking to it much better than most new authors. Very well done. Smile

I can say only that some of it seemed a tad rushed. Although I understand droning on to build up the story can be tedious it is also often necessary. I thought the Architect's sudden conversion to a disbeliever happened way too fast, as well as that of all his troops. I think it would take more than one small speech to rewrite a liftime of mental programming and brainwashing.

Also, as Chuckles said, try and make your aliens a bit more alien.

Overall, good work. I'm looking forward to see what you do next.

- Arthur

DarkZipper · Member Joined: 15 Oct 2005 Posts: 18

Wow! Thank's for the review Wellington. I've already put in the fourth instalment. It's much longer than the third one, and I did my best to make the Covenant seem more alien. Hope you enjoy.

Wellington · Member Joined: 30 Sep 2005 Posts: 110 Location: Canada

By the way, it's great to see you take such an interest in your own story. Many new authors don't bother to respond to the comments they get.

Keep up the good work, DarkZipper! Very Happy

Guardian · Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2005 7:20 pm Post subject:

Aye good work.

Tin Can Man · Member Joined: 15 Jul 2005 Posts: 170

Aye, lad.

DarkZipper · Member Joined: 15 Oct 2005 Posts: 18

The Arbitress · Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 1:13 am Post subject:

It's the best way to get better at writing. Jeez, if one were to look at the first story I posted, and look now at some of the stuff I write...><

The characterization was wonderful. Except for the main character, I would assume who is a Brute. They're usually the most vigilant to the Great Journey, so like Wellington said, he believed in what GS was saying a tad too easily. But you portrayed 343 Guilty Spark as Nylund did; an arrogant idiot. So overall, great job.

Zephyr · Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 2:45 am Post subject:

Great work.

I thought it could have been longer, but good all the same.
_________________
For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul?

DarkZipper · Member Joined: 15 Oct 2005 Posts: 18