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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
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 Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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Its just amazing, how much you covered with this chapter. And it's so damn fun to read. Wow. Just wow.
I thought that Wiley's attack on the farmhouse was a bit rushed, though. Or abrupt. Or maybe you just planned it that way. But it seems like you were trying to cover so much ground (which is, when done by you, just awesome) that sometimes you just kinda stumbled.
I have a question: were, or will, the giants be armored like the Spartans?
Again, awesome. Now for the sake of nitpicking...
| Quote: | On the other hand, Simjanes' skills were legend. If Caleb stood his ground it would certainly cost him his life—but it would at least buy MiNeS a little time.
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I think it should have been Simjanes' skills were legendary. |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 7:32 pm Post subject: |
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Very nice. I have to say, that within memory, this has been my favorite one. Revealed a nice little story element, which added another layer to the plot line and interweave of elements; as well as kicked up the intensity meter several notches.
A lot of characters--that we know--were killed in this. And it had a nice ending, one to leave the reader hanging. I'm just thankful that I have developed some patience by this time in my life, and don't find myself greatly effected by cliffhangers here. Otherwise, I might just be unable to stand the wait between now and the next chapter 
Good job. I would normally continue to point out mistakes in your writing... which is what I will now do.
I saw the same thing that Sev did. The farmhouse attack went by quite quickly. I've seen you do this in the past, though. Your writing style is to go through sections like this rather quickly. However, if you had slowed it down a bit, it could have made this a bit more impacting, and, actually, more enjoyable to read through. I like a meatier read, as you know.
As for that quote: I would have way that it is okay as is, but "was that of legend" or what Sev wrote would have worked just as good or better.
Overall--excellent work.
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 12:25 am Post subject: |
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Amazing, man, amazing.
I agree all with the above, here, but I'd like to ask - are we going to get a description of what these giants look like? Like, their actual appearance? That'd be crazy.
Great job, Chuckles. |
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Guardian
BANNED
Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 831
Location: Kicked to the curb.
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| Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 12:27 am Post subject: |
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wtf mate, you put my writing to shame.
"Uncle Danny!" hahahah, i loved that.
when Simanjes (or however you spell his name) gets the sh1t scared outta him. |
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?
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| Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 12:55 am Post subject: |
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Yay! I am so glad that this is finally out. And on the day I get back from MEPS too. Nice.
So anyway I saw this mistake.
| Quote: | | "Yes, sir." Major Cousins said, trying not to roll is his eyes. |
Minor but there.
And as always our friend Cousins is no more than a silent observer. Fits his character well. Nicely done on that. Also I love how Ackerson is unnerverd and Cousins is completely placid. Very, very, nice.
I will have to finish my comment later.
I am about half way through though so I will definately get back to this.
Caleb |
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Tin Can Man
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 170
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| Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 10:46 am Post subject: |
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| Love the whole giant idea. I'm actually thinking of the Mr Hyde in The League Of Gentleman. |
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 12:23 pm Post subject: |
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Severian wrote:
| Quote: | | I thought that Wiley's attack on the farmhouse was a bit rushed, though. Or abrupt. Or maybe you just planned it that way. But it seems like you were trying to cover so much ground (which is, when done by you, just awesome) that sometimes you just kinda stumbled. |
During my dozen (at least) read throughs, I never saw the attack as rushed. It was supposed to be a quick and brutal assault, followed by a quick and brutal counter-assault. Yes, I could have stretched it out longer, but I liked it how it was and thus did not see the need. Still, I'll keep that in mind when I read through it next. I've been wrong before.
| Quote: | | I have a question: were, or will, the giants be armored like the Spartans? |
Only their helmets will resemble Spartan armor. Other than that, they will wear . . . I'm sorry, but my lawyer has just informed me that I have said too much Thanks for the review, Sev.
CoLd BlooDed wrote:
| Quote: | | . . . are we going to get a description of what these giants look like? |
Yes  . Thanks for the comment, CoLd.
Thanks also to Shadow, TCM, MCC and Caleb. I appreciate you guys taking the time to let me know what you thought. It means a lot.
C.T. Clown |
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Wiley K.
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Joined: 24 Dec 2004
Posts: 254
Location: Neutralizing the guards to 1000+ post land. They don't seem too competent.
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| Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 10:15 pm Post subject: |
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Oh man, I'm pretty dead.
Nothing to say that hasn't been said before.
9.8/10 Nice. |
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Tin Can Man
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 170
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| Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 10:21 pm Post subject: |
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| This is my favourite series on HBOFF. Great charactorization and storyline. |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 10:50 pm Post subject: |
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Alright. Time to get down to business. I decided that I would read this over again. I'm glad I did, else I wouldn't have been able to point out these (as follows) additional mistakes 
| Quote: | | The door, which had seemed normal enough when shut, was nearly half a meter thick and looked to be on loan from the national treasury. |
I understand the meaning behind your words, and while the inclusion of "National Treasury" is not a direct problem, it was still something that stood out to me as I read over the words. National Treasury... that refers to something like Fort Knox, of a country. However, in context, that does not make as much sense when considered: what nation? Where are these guys, and so what national treasury?
If I can guess what you're thinking, yes, I just felt like saying all that. In actuality, that could have been refering to a National Treasury the character in the spotlight of the narration knew of. Perhaps a local city contained one. So, the question is easily answered, but a single descriptive word just before "national treasury" would have totally alleviated this little "problem."
| Quote: | | Turning around, the thing moved towards him again, but this time slower and more cautious. |
Gramatically, the ending word of that sentense is incorrect, lacking the "-ly" that, in the context, the word should end with. Stylistically, it sounds alright. Would it sound better with the correction? Well, I don't think it would sound worse. It might sound about the same. But, from a gramatical PoV, that was something I noticed.
| Quote: | | By design, the titanium armor came together in an almost seamless, three-inch plate when the hand was closed... |
I had to assume that you meant three-inch thick there, though the word was not included. A small detail, but one that helps the overall understanding of the phrase.
| Quote: | | To a man, they tore the equipment off, but not before their eyes were assaulted by the brightest flash of light they'd ever seen. |
"To a man"... what? To me, that does not make sense in the sentense. Perhaps you meant to write something and did not continue, or it was just left over from editing. Whatever the case, in its present state, the passage isn't quite right because of those three words. Of course, if for whatever reason I am not reading into things enough and am seeing something that is just fine as flawed, please do explain.
| Quote: | | "Better get here just, Chuck. I'll hold him off as long as I can. Out." |
In this quote from Caleb, that first sentense stood out to me. It didn't flow and make sense just reading it over, so I had to look again. The word "just" seems misplaced. I would think that it was simply meant to be arranged differently, and ended up slipping through before being posted. Another one of those passages.
I noted that Uncle Danny did not make a reapearance after he rescued Ellen. Not all too much of an issue, but, knowing you, such a wonderful character oportunity will not go wasted. I'll be waiting to see what you do with that particular element.
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-MCC
Last edited by MC's Cousin on Sun Nov 06, 2005 5:48 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Tin Can Man
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 170
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| Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 11:16 pm Post subject: |
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| For some reason, I thought Uncle Danny was an early, nice version of the giant. |
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(Na)Marl
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Joined: 03 Nov 2004
Posts: 689
Location: --Looking for you! I have a knife!
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| Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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--Maybe MiNeS's father's side of the family are the giants, early failed versions of the giants. That's my guess, and I have to say, a darn good one! Am I right, Chuckles?  |
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 11:58 pm Post subject: |
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MCC wrote:
| Quote: | | I decided that I would read this over again. I'm glad I did, else I wouldn't have been able to point out these (as follows) additional mistakes |
A second time? I'm flattered . . . I think You're right, I should have said "three inch thick plate." As for the other two . . . man, you must have been bored today! Seriously, thanks for the details. I'm pretty sure that I appreciate it
TCM wrote:
| Quote: | | For some reason, I thought Uncle Danny was an early, nice version of the giant. |
and then (Na)Marl wrote:
| Quote: | | -Maybe MiNeS's father's side of the family are the giants, early failed versions of the giants. That's my guess, and I have to say, a darn good one! Am I right, Chuckles? |
Well, I'm glad to see that I did not give that much away. Good eye in seeing that Danny is a good giant, while the other giants are . . . not so good. As for why, you'll just have to wait until the next (and probably final) installment.
I apologize for how long this chapter took to get out. I had a lot things get in the way. I hope to have the next chapter out in a much shorter time. Hopefully before Thanksgiving. Then again, I have a baby due any day now (my wife is very, very ready) so anything could happen.
Thanks for all the reviews and comments.
C.T. Clown |
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sdn
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 121
Location: afk
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| Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2005 3:08 am Post subject: |
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Turning around, the thing moved towards him again, but this time slower and more cautious
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Cautious is being used as an adjective in this context; it's a little weird, since it's modifying thing when you'd probably expect it to modify moved, but it's legit. |
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