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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?
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 Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:17 pm Post subject: |
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Simply beautiful. Perfect use of code. Nice gps. I have no complaints at all. Great read.
Keep it up.
Caleb |
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks man. |
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jmizzer
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Joined: 11 Oct 2005
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:34 pm Post subject: |
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| nice job i don't have anthing to say except nice job or you know what it was awsome |
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories
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| Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 4:10 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. This is my first time reading this series, I think, and though I'm a bit puzzled as to who the Areani might be (and to find out, I'm going to read your other chapters), I enjoyed. Some rough phrasings caught my eyes, though:
| Quote: | | Burke seemed to know where they were going without his help and the Areani would probably end up guiding himself through the forest. |
Shouldn't it have been him instead of himself? Also, there should have been, I think, a comma after without his help.
| Quote: | | On top of his perfectly reasonable concerns he was beginning to worry that his exhaustion was affecting his mind |
A personal preference, but I think the his before exhausition could have been taken out. We know who is beginning to be affected by fatigue, after all. There should also have been a comma after concerns.
| Quote: | | He remembered how completely he had broken down when he had been found by a search and rescue team |
Also, I thought completely could have been taken out, as well.
Well, most of these 'errors' were mostly personal quirks, that I have. I just felt that some words were just pretty placeholders, or space-fillers, and that they weren't needed. But watch out for those commas. I think you need more of them.
Again, a great job. I'm looking forward to the next chapter, as soon as I finish with your previous chapters. |
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 9:31 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Sevarian, I agree on all accounts except in the first. I used "himself" because I mentioned Burke earlier in the sentence and did not want to have a confusing pronoun referring to either Miller or Burke. Though I agree the sentence structure needed some work upon review.
Thanks a lot, man, you obviously read it deeply. I appreciate it.
- Arthur |
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EliteSupaSpartan
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Joined: 08 Sep 2005
Posts: 5
Location: North America
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| Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 4:39 am Post subject: |
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| This is byfar one of the greatest fan fiction series I've ever read. I read all your series because I got wrapped entirely into the plot of the story. Keep up the great work |
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Michael Archer
Member
Joined: 19 Aug 2004
Posts: 152
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada, North America, Earth, Inner Planets, Too bad it won't let me go farther.
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| Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 12:13 am Post subject: story |
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I haven't red this story yet but I realized one thing.
John Miller? I love Saving Private Ryan too!
Edit: I just read it now. Very very good. The only thing that got me confused is which branch these guys are in. |
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