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The Siege of Palatine: Part 5

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 3:51 pm    Post subject: The Siege of Palatine: Part 5 Reply with quote

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The Siege of Palatine: Part 5
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
31 October 2005, 3:59 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle1031050359381.html
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
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Location: Are you crazy!?

PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Simply beautiful. Perfect use of code. Nice gps. I have no complaints at all. Great read.

Keep it up.

Caleb
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks man.
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jmizzer
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Joined: 11 Oct 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

nice job i don't have anthing to say except nice job or you know what it was awsome
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
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Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 4:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. This is my first time reading this series, I think, and though I'm a bit puzzled as to who the Areani might be (and to find out, I'm going to read your other chapters), I enjoyed. Some rough phrasings caught my eyes, though:

Quote:
Burke seemed to know where they were going without his help and the Areani would probably end up guiding himself through the forest.


Shouldn't it have been him instead of himself? Also, there should have been, I think, a comma after without his help.

Quote:
On top of his perfectly reasonable concerns he was beginning to worry that his exhaustion was affecting his mind


A personal preference, but I think the his before exhausition could have been taken out. We know who is beginning to be affected by fatigue, after all. There should also have been a comma after concerns.

Quote:
He remembered how completely he had broken down when he had been found by a search and rescue team


Also, I thought completely could have been taken out, as well.

Well, most of these 'errors' were mostly personal quirks, that I have. I just felt that some words were just pretty placeholders, or space-fillers, and that they weren't needed. But watch out for those commas. I think you need more of them.

Again, a great job. I'm looking forward to the next chapter, as soon as I finish with your previous chapters.
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 9:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Sevarian, I agree on all accounts except in the first. I used "himself" because I mentioned Burke earlier in the sentence and did not want to have a confusing pronoun referring to either Miller or Burke. Though I agree the sentence structure needed some work upon review.

Thanks a lot, man, you obviously read it deeply. I appreciate it.

- Arthur
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EliteSupaSpartan
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Joined: 08 Sep 2005
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Location: North America

PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 4:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is byfar one of the greatest fan fiction series I've ever read. I read all your series because I got wrapped entirely into the plot of the story. Keep up the great work
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Michael Archer
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Joined: 19 Aug 2004
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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada, North America, Earth, Inner Planets, Too bad it won't let me go farther.

PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 12:13 am    Post subject: story Reply with quote

I haven't red this story yet but I realized one thing.

John Miller? I love Saving Private Ryan too!

Edit: I just read it now. Very very good. The only thing that got me confused is which branch these guys are in.
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