HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Arbiter Perspective: Chapter 1
Posted by Dagorath (hoyinshan@gmail.com)
30 October 2005, 4:27 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Dagorath1030050427131.html

thedarkfire · Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:08 pm Post subject:

I have no complaints. Good work.

SeverianofUrth · Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 7:07 pm Post subject:

I have some minor complaints, but I still enjoyed it. I'll be on the lookout for your stories from now on; but damn, I really enjoyed it! I'm surprised that I haven't seen a FPV-Arbiter story before, though.

Great job, and good luck.

Wellington · Member Joined: 30 Sep 2005 Posts: 110 Location: Canada

Blessed code! If you don't mind, though, it makes it even easier to read if you space between paragraphs. Its just a cosmetic thing.

To the content: I'm not a big fan of going over parts of the game with a narrative. I know this is the first chapter, but it still could have used something more creative.

Your writing style was good for the most part, but the Elites were distinctly humanized. Remember they are religious zealots, brainwashed at birth, and should act accordingly. It is unlikely he would suddenly realize the Covenant's ideals are quite hollow or feel pity for the humans on glassed planets. Plus, I'm not at all sure Elites sweat at all, and probably not when their nervous.

Keep it up, but it could use some refinement.

Guardian · Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 2:36 am Post subject:

Michael Archer · Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 1:53 am Post subject: story

My only complaint:

Avoid using Transcripts that much. Why? This is a fan fiction website. It's orginal.

Other than that. It was very very good.

Seperate the AN with a horozontal line rule.

thedarkfire · Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 6:05 am Post subject:

Actually Archer, this is literally his take on the exact Halo 2 story. The entire thing is basically a modified transcript.

Dagorath · Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:59 pm Post subject:

Yeah, thedarkfire has a point Laughing

I have no idea why I like writing modified transcripts. Perhaps it's because I haven't even got Halo 2 at home.

Azathoth · Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 7:20 pm Post subject:

You don't own Halo 2 either? Sweet, someone besides me doesn't have it...anyway, great story. I've always wondered what the Prophets asked the Elite Commander so that his answer was that there was only one ship.

Jenkins · Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 7:46 pm Post subject:

A very interesting take on that scene. I was surprised by the fact that it actually fit in with the storyline. In a way it seemed to clarify the scene and bring a feel of relation towards the Arbiter.

Though it wasn't apparent throughout the story, I noticed at the beginning that your descriptions sounded, how should I put it, informal. In the books, the Elites are formal and "alien-like" even when speaking in their thoughts. Your portrayal seemed very "human."

Other than that tidbit I really enjoyed your story. Keep it up.

Dagorath · Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2005 2:12 am Post subject:

Actually, I was a little stuck for that bit. Why would he even dare to say "There was only one ship"? It's one ship, for God's sake! Though I guess my take on it is as good as any.

As to the humanity, I guess it was a little inappropriate. Not sure if I improved on Chapter Zwei.