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The Arbiter Perspective: Chapter 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 3:50 pm    Post subject: The Arbiter Perspective: Chapter 1 Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Arbiter Perspective: Chapter 1
Posted by Dagorath (hoyinshan@gmail.com)
30 October 2005, 4:27 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Dagorath1030050427131.html
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have no complaints. Good work.
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
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Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have some minor complaints, but I still enjoyed it. I'll be on the lookout for your stories from now on; but damn, I really enjoyed it! I'm surprised that I haven't seen a FPV-Arbiter story before, though.

Great job, and good luck.
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blessed code! If you don't mind, though, it makes it even easier to read if you space between paragraphs. Its just a cosmetic thing.

To the content: I'm not a big fan of going over parts of the game with a narrative. I know this is the first chapter, but it still could have used something more creative.

Your writing style was good for the most part, but the Elites were distinctly humanized. Remember they are religious zealots, brainwashed at birth, and should act accordingly. It is unlikely he would suddenly realize the Covenant's ideals are quite hollow or feel pity for the humans on glassed planets. Plus, I'm not at all sure Elites sweat at all, and probably not when their nervous.

Keep it up, but it could use some refinement.
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Guardian
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Joined: 26 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"I have no idea how I felt then. From when I was small, I had been taught that the Prophets were our highest religious leaders. This trial showed, however, that they were not a direct conduit to the gods, as I thought. They were mortals, prone to all the evils of mortality. As my despair grew, so did my hate"


Left me speechless, amazing job. just one thing, you forgot a period after hate.

^ ^. There i helped ya.

-Guardian
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Michael Archer
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 1:53 am    Post subject: story Reply with quote

My only complaint:

Avoid using Transcripts that much. Why? This is a fan fiction website. It's orginal.

Other than that. It was very very good.

Seperate the AN with a horozontal line rule.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 6:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually Archer, this is literally his take on the exact Halo 2 story. The entire thing is basically a modified transcript.

Quote:
I have some minor complaints, but I still enjoyed it.


Obviously not big enough to point out.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, thedarkfire has a point Laughing I have no idea why I like writing modified transcripts. Perhaps it's because I haven't even got Halo 2 at home.
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 7:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You don't own Halo 2 either? Sweet, someone besides me doesn't have it...anyway, great story. I've always wondered what the Prophets asked the Elite Commander so that his answer was that there was only one ship.
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Jenkins
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Joined: 18 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A very interesting take on that scene. I was surprised by the fact that it actually fit in with the storyline. In a way it seemed to clarify the scene and bring a feel of relation towards the Arbiter.

Though it wasn't apparent throughout the story, I noticed at the beginning that your descriptions sounded, how should I put it, informal. In the books, the Elites are formal and "alien-like" even when speaking in their thoughts. Your portrayal seemed very "human."

Other than that tidbit I really enjoyed your story. Keep it up.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2005 2:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, I was a little stuck for that bit. Why would he even dare to say "There was only one ship"? It's one ship, for God's sake! Though I guess my take on it is as good as any.

As to the humanity, I guess it was a little inappropriate. Not sure if I improved on Chapter Zwei.
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