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Warning-Hitch Hikers May Be Escaping Convicts: Chapter 4

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 3:50 pm    Post subject: Warning-Hitch Hikers May Be Escaping Convicts: Chapter 4 Reply with quote

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Warning-Hitch Hikers May Be Escaping Convicts: Chapter 4
Posted by Spartan 034 (zack_034@hotmail.com)
29 October 2005, 5:52 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Spartan_0341029051752151.html
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 2:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn, I missed part three.

Nothing special to point out bad-wise.

Interseting plot development. Keep working.
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Pooman
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Joined: 18 Aug 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Kentucky

PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 11:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good story. I like this series, keep it up. 9.3/10
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?

PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 12:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would like to say thank you. Thank you for using CODE. Very very nice.

On to the story. Very good. There were a couple of parts where I noticed things getting a little choppy. All that it really requires to fix is to read it aloud to yourself.

Things like
Quote:
Sorah awoke groggily. His hands reached out for a weapon, but he had been stripped of all of his. He could finally see at least. The sound of plasma fire made him jolt with surprise.


I can tell by your coding that you are not lazy. So try to smooth stuff like this out. It is alright but the sentences could be spiced up a whole lot.

Like this.

Quote:
Sorah awoke groggily rubbing the sleep from his eyes. They seemed to be stuck together by the gunk that only restless sleep can create. His hands reached out for a weapon but he had been completely stripped of all of his standard issue firearms.

As he opened his eyes and his vision cleared, he silently noted that his vision had returned to him. He jumped at the sound of the nearby roar of plasma fire.


SO what was good can become great. I know mine is still choppy and not all that much better but it is something to think about.

Again great story and I look forward to seeing what you do with the series.

Caleb
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