HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Apologies
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 3:50 pm    Post subject: Apologies Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Apologies
Posted by SeverianofUrth (severn117@gmail.com)
28 October 2005, 6:25 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=SeverianofUr1028051825461.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
thedarkfire
Member


Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Deep, and I totally got this one.

Great use of narrative in a poem, original for this place.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Caleb the Jackal
Member


Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?

PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 5:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good. I liked this alot. This was off the beaten path and that made me want to read it even more.

9/10

Caleb
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
SeverianofUrth
Member


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 6:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Dark. Thanks, Caleb. I'm surprised at how fast I got comments for this thing. Very Happy

Quote:
And he laid down his pen.
He coudln't get his damn apologies right.
Sorries couldn't be so hard, but
obliviously it was, for he
found it hard.

The paper was there, on the desk
he was there before the paper.

What could he do?

Got himself a shotgun glass,
morning drink at seven before sunrise,
poets have needs to.
A real man doesn't give in to his emotions:
a real man drinks. Snorts cocaine.
So sayeth King.


Shit! It should've been:

Quote:
And he laid down his pen.
He couldn't get his damn sorry-s right.
Apologies shouldn't be so hard, but
obliviously they were, for he found it hard.

The paper was there, on the desk;
he was there before the paper.

What could he do?

He got himself a shotgun glass,
morning drink at seven before sunrise,
poets have needs too; some are drunks too.
A real man doesn't give in to his emotions:
a real man drinks. Snorts cocaine.
Or so sayeth the King.


I'm sorry bout that, guys...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Caleb the Jackal
Member


Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?

PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 7:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry man. It only slightly bothered the flow. Still didn't hurt it worth mentioning on our part.

Caleb
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Guardian
BANNED


Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 831
Location: Kicked to the curb.

PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

you posted!!

::hails you::
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Wellington
Member


Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

In a poem each new stanza needs a capital letter. I also found it often didn't flow as well as it should have.

The content was pretty poetic, kinda darkly humorous. It was alright.

- Arthur
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
SeverianofUrth
Member


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 3:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
In a poem each new stanza needs a capital letter.


Really? Hmm... that's strange. I think I'm going to check it out.



Quote:
The content was pretty poetic, kinda darkly humorous. It was alright


This was originally meant to be a short story, like a vignette, but I just didn't have the time. That's where most of the poems come from, by the way: story ideas I just didn't have the time for.

Thanks, M. Wellington.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Conrad Lauf
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 139
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 7:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked this poem. I thought it was dark, gritty, and realistic.
Keep it up!

Connie
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Chuckles
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 12:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice job, Sev. Good, deep poetry. As usual, you leave the reader in suspense until the end. More than any other writer here, you are comfortable enough to leave some things up to the reader, rather than explaining everything in detail. That is a strength, not a weakness.

C.T. Clown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Nick Kang
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2005 1:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice one. A good, original, non-rhyming poem is always welcome, especially one as dark and gritty as this.
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
CoLd BlooDed
Moderator


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.

PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2005 9:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some very creative poetry here, Sev. I loved it.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
russ687
Member


Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 6:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't usually read short poetic peices, but everytime I see your name, Sev, I feel compelled to. Why? Because your great at them.

I liked how this was a mixture of humor, of reality, and then of emotion. Excellent job. You have a very distinct style.

By the way, what did you mean by...?
Quote:
So sayeth King.


Anyways, I thought it was good without caps on each line, though from a purely cosmetic perspective I can understand why it would be good. Regardless, nice job.

By the way, I'm I ever going to see the rest of Seven Days? I mean, it can't take you this long just to write the next chapter, can it? Wink

-Russ
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dagorath
Member


Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5

PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 3:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just decided to read some of your fic, Severian. Very impressive. I really liked the flow and the subtleties inside the poem.

But I don't think they sell their kids to be Spartans.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 7:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

- Wow, how the hell do I keep missing great things?
I feel sad knowing now what I was missing out on!

Well, I've got to say, this was a very interesting story; I couldn't tell if it was a story or a poem, but either way, it still works. Heh. I've got to say, sometimes I wonder what kinda sicko it took to dream up the entire Spartan programme... and how he did it. It makes one wonder. When I think of these things, I keep telling myself it's just a scifi thing intended to give us thinkers the jitters and the creeps, but with stuff like this? No way, it seems so real... so vivid. The more you think about some certain subject, the weirder things get, and this is one of those creepy subjects where there's no right or wrong answer; all we have is the creepy information and the harsh, brutal result, and the ability to draw our own solutions.

- It gives me the creeps sometimes.

And to quote Bungie; sometimes I give myself the creeps, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.

- Dave.

Post Script - This is my 1400th post. It's been a long time, hasn't it? I still miss those days of the old system, but whatever. I guess we can't just live with our heads in the past, can we? Heh heh heh.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group