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hboff Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4377
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CoLd BlooDed Moderator

Joined: 09 Aug 2004 Posts: 706 Location: Noit acol.
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Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 5:07 am Post subject: |
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And nobody's reading this why?
Great stuff, the dialogue between characters is outstanding, and again, I can't wait to see where this leads (although I have a vague idea) .
Finish the next one and hurry up!
And don't worry, I'm sure more people will review this... and if they don't. *holds up knife and smiles*
Yeah, kinda like that. |
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russ687 Member
Joined: 06 Aug 2004 Posts: 720 Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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Detail in the beginning was good, but lacked towards the ending. I couldn't visualize the scenery of the camp, and it all seemed very distant. I know this is a flashback, but you've got to fill in the space with substance that allows the reader to literally see what's going on.
I appreciated your humour in here, nice job there. Dialogue was done well, and the only other contention I have is plot-progression. This was quite short, and you could fit a lot more into it if you took a little more time. Don't forget that you need to cover a certain amount of ground in each installment, so keep that in mind as you write part three. I'm looking forward to it.
-Russ |
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thedarkfire Member

Joined: 03 Aug 2004 Posts: 1045 Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!
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Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 4:19 pm Post subject: |
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Alright GLAD, good to see you posting again; and not just at the cafe.
This is for both stories by the way.
I loved em! Dialouge was spot-on.
Gimme more now. |
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