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HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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Amaranthine
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 55
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 Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 3:08 am Post subject: |
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| Ouch, ignored. |
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 3:51 am Post subject: |
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No, no, just forgotten. 
As for the story, I'm liking it. The descriptions were precise which allowed me to visualize the dark little cell he was trapped in, and overall this had a pretty dark atmosphere over it.
I can tell that things are about to get heedy. Keep it up.
And good to see you writing again! For all you people around that don't remember GLAD, he's so old school it hurts. |
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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| Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 4:02 pm Post subject: |
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I can't tell if I've been absent far too much or if you're back from a long-time break. In any case, nice to see you again, GLAD; I'm happy to see some of the old guys still sticking around (that is, the old writers who just haven't been as active).
| You wrote: | | He had spoken no more than 10 times since he had gotten here, and he had long forgotten the sound of his own voice. |
When I was taking journalism in middle school, my teacher said that you should spell out all numbers up to nine, and then numerically denote numbers 10 and above. However, in my writing class in college, my professor noted that certain number within reason should be spelled out, sort of a professional touch (i.e., 10, 50, 100 are numbers that should be spelled out, though numbers like 57 or 962, et cetera, did not). In journalism, you numerically write out all numbers above ten to save space, but in writing, especially fiction, that is not necessary. So when you come across a nice, generic number, such as ten, spell it out.
| You wrote: | | "As I have told you and your colleagues several dozen times, an entire military base and several thousand personnel were destroyed. As of this moment, this man is the only witness AND evidence we have. Insane or not, he saw SOMETHING goddamnit, and I'm sure you have ways of coaxing that out." |
No offense (honestly, and I know by saying that people automatically get defensive), but I find using full caps for emphasis is a characteristically new-writer trait. On the contrary, I know you are not, so you did this fully by your own choice. Yet, I will point it out: Full caps look very sloppy, and the job is easily and far better done with italics. Keep it in mind.
| You wrote: | | "Who. In the hell. Was responsible." |
Hmm. This was choppy because of your use of periods. I know you're trying to make it drawn-out, but periods is not the thing to use. Em-dashes are absolutely the needed punctuation here, but commas would have worked just as good. Not to mention, there should be a question mark at the end there.
Excellent ending. Good dialouge throughout, but it could get better, notably your punctuation and the full caps emphasis. Several places in your punctuation should really be commas (and you used periods), which really makes the flow awkward. This was fairly short, so I thought there was plenty of space for more scenery descriptions (such as describing the cell into detail, and his horrific dreams). Overall, this was well done.
-Russ |
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?
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| Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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Well I am not an old schooler like you all... But this is great writing. Saw a couple things gramatically but they either need not be pointed out or have already been.
Great quality. I wish that I had been a part of the old boards... I would probably be a better writer.
Well keep up the good work. I can't exactly say it is good to see you again because I don't recall ever "meeting" you. But still it is nice to know that there are still a lot of people from the old forums that are still active.
Thanks for writing well and using code.
Caleb |
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
Posts: 1073
Location: In the tower above the earth
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| Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 10:26 pm Post subject: |
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| COOL! Well Chuck capitalises words sime times for effect, I think, maybe my brain's been warped. Nice story GLAD. |
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Amaranthine
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 55
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| Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 10:32 pm Post subject: |
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| thank you all. |
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