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hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada
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 Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 6:52 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, so, what is this, Star Wars? It wasn't exactly clear what, if anything, was going on. There was no code and even the small care of paragraph form was completely neglected. GPS errors were rampant and the writing style was rushed.
Please spend more time on future entries.
1/5 |
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TK262
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Joined: 17 Oct 2005
Posts: 39
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| Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 2:13 am Post subject: |
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ok....ya i agree with the first comment it sort of seemed corny with the " o great one" and them bowing and all. id give it like a 5.6 out of a 10. Also for the dates u should make up the covenant monthes and wat there called or look em up if there are any. If u need help or anything just pm m k.  |
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Dokkir
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Joined: 18 Oct 2005
Posts: 7
Location: Thailand,Bangkok
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| Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 4:37 am Post subject: hi Convie killer |
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hey that was some nice peice of writing but maybe you should be more specific on the part when the characters talk.
by the way are you going to be including Green Blue and Red leader in this story  |
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University
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| Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 1:15 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmm...I take it the defensive outpost guys were Humans from a different galaxy or something, in the Star Wars universe? Try to make that clearer next time. I thought they were just regular Humans, and was getting puzzled as to why they weren't opening up on the Covie fleet.
Anyway, you need the Code. It makes the story way easier to read, though it's good that you separated your paragraphs so there was no Text Wall of Doom.
And remember, whenever someone new begins speaking, start a new paragraph. You had a conversation between Truth and the Ship Master all in one paragraph. This makes it quite confusing.
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter. |
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Spartan058-HaloGeeky
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Joined: 13 Jun 2005
Posts: 79
Location: the small backwater planet called Earth...
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| Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:41 am Post subject: Pretty good... |
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good...but a little rushed...
Star troopers, devil pups
blood sucking war machines,
ready to fight, ready to kill,
ready to die, but never will,
Marines make the blood flow,
blood makes the grass grow,
Semper Fi
do or die
OORAH! |
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