HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

The Siege of Palatine: Part 3

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 3:41 pm    Post subject: The Siege of Palatine: Part 3 Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Siege of Palatine: Part 3
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
20 October 2005, 10:57 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle1020051057521.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ineptzombie
Member


Joined: 23 Nov 2004
Posts: 11

PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 6:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aside from the very seldom grammatical error, this is quintessential excellence. Keep up the series and other works.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Wellington
Member


Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 12:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a lot.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

- After reading the first sentence, I didn't feel really shocked or afraid. I just feel... hungry.

I think I'm going to go downstairs and cut myself another slice of roastbeef.

I like the opening, man, I also like how Cappie thinks; not just observes. I really think that characters need to think, not just act and such. I really like that, I can't stress it enough.

I also like the style; dunno. It just seems to be very deep, and it's got that... well, dunno how to describe it, but it seems pleasing. Long sentence structure, the way things seem to just fit so perfectly like a jiggsaw puzzle, everything.

-That's a Hell Yeah! to you mate!

- Dave.

Post Script - I used to do a lot of jiggsaw puzzles when I was little; I think that's a good analogy; everything forms one big piece, and it looks great.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
sdn
Member


Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 121
Location: afk

PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 2:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's some confusion as to who outranks who between Miller and the Major. You said Miller was a captain on a ship, which makes me assume he's the Captain - Navy. If this is the case, it is actually he who outranks the Major, since the equivalent rank of Navy-Captain in the Marines is Colonel. Otherwise, you need to make it clear that Miller is a Marine, and is outranked because Major is one above Captain in that branch. At the end it becomes clear when Colonel Burke takes over, but until then it's confusing.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Wellington
Member


Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 2:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yea, sorry about that, but the Marine rank captain fits in with the description of his command but since he was on a ship at first I agree it was confusing. He was head of a squad of Marines, though.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
russ687
Member


Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 6:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I can't say I would have read your series merely by seeing the title. One thing that every author should be conscious about is the title of their literary works, because that can often make or break its initial popularity. Always pick a title that is uncommon or descriptive in a manner above and beyond the norm, because doing otherwise (picking an overtly conventional title) will not be conducive in drawing a crowd. There is nothing wrong at all with your series title—it's absolutely fine—but I can't say it outright yells for attention. "The Siege of __________ " is very, very common.

Reading your first installment I was glad to see good use of the CODE and good proofreading. Aside from the few that always slip by, you did very well at keeping it clean of basic GPS errors. I did think that a good majority of your sentences were too short, thus making the flow somewhat choppy, but not to a ghastly extent—though on the other hand sometimes you didn't use enough commas, which made a normally acceptable sentence feel drawn out. Descriptions were well done, and I didn't find it lacking (which is often something I point out).
In your first chapter, you wrote:
The Covenant had passed near enough to Palatine on their way to Earth to know there was a human presence here.

I can't say I'm the keenest person here on Halo details, but I don't believe it's possible for sensors to pick up ships or planets in normal space when they're traveling through slip space. If this was true, Humanity would have fallen long before. Also, I don't think a Covenant ship would drop out of slip space over 5 light years away from their destination, so I don't see that as a viable options either. My point: just keep everything in perspective, and be sure to have a reason (a workable reason) for big elements, such as this.

As a whole, your first installment was done well. It set up your story line and left the reader interested in the foreseeable future. I would say that a Covenant Carrier caries a lot more than around eight thousand troops, moreover I don't think 120,000 troops would be adequate for planetary invasion. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it throughout.





First thing in your second installment…an AN! Well, if you've ever seen any of my prior posts, you'd know that I am firmly against AN's. The only exception would be citing sources or other necessary citations out of respect; otherwise they shouldn't be used. Long story short, it ruins the initial feel of the story, and the AN can easily and still effectively be placed in a post in your comments page. Some disagree with me, some agree, its your choice which way you lean.

In your second installment, you wrote:
The planetary defenders would have had only about twenty minutes warning once the Covenant made landfall – hardly time enough to organize a coordinated defense.

Another pet-peeve of mine: Em-Dashes! While it seems like you used one here (good job for doing so, some authors don't even think about it) there should be no spaces before or after it. Just FYI.

One thing that I struggled with myself many times was the way I started my paragraphs with, more specifically what word or name I used. Starting adjacent paragraphs with the same work or name can be somewhat distracting, so just be conscientious about it and reword the beginning of a paragraph as needed to avoid it. It's not the content that's the problem, but merely the cosmetics of it (yes, cosmetics can be a big thing too).

Good descriptions again, good character development, good use of vocabulary, and good ending. I don't really think the Covenant would launch a 'probing' attack, but I assume it's feasible.





Third installment mirrors your prior two, so the comments still stand for the most part. I thought this one had significantly better emotions and character.

You wrote:
While over half of the Covenant force had been killed in their effort at least that many of the humans were also dead, though it was feared much more.

Hmmm, a one-to-one ratio? Considering that there aren't sixty-thousand Marines there (meaning that most are civvies) I don't think they'd fair quite that well. Not to mention that's a very high casualty count, especially for one mere day, so like I had mentioned earlier, keep things in perspective (e.g., was there even that much ammunition?).

Overall, I again liked it. Good ending too, as you give us some closure but a hint of what's to come. You're doing well, especially for a first series, so just keep your proofreading up (that will help catch more of the errors) and keep pushing forward.

-Russ
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
sdn
Member


Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 121
Location: afk

PostPosted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 11:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:

there should be no spaces before or after it [an em-dash]. Just FYI.

That's North American English, if I remember correctly. I'm pretty sure it's allowed in British/European English.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Wellington
Member


Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 1:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a lot Russ, that's a great comment. I'll work on that. I was worrying about overusing certain paragraph introductions... I guess that was justified.

I've always used a space before and after a dash. I'm pretty sure it's allowed. I'm a canuck anyway Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group